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Well, yesterday was a crushing example of what goes wrong when you are weak of mind and body. Catherine was away in Edmonton to see Turandot, as sung by friend Othalie Graham. I baked brownies to try to mask the smell of cooking four pounds of bacon. Outcomes:

a) It did not work
b) It led me to eat brownies.

Considering I weigh in on Tuesday, I wonder if I’m deliberately trying to make myself fail.

Stress levels are high. Lots of work and a parent in hospital. And it all effects one’s weak points.

However, I’m off to a better start today and hope to be super clean on the diet front for the next couple of days. Yoga was good last night (odd being solo). It felt like a real workout. I did not cry out when I applied the wooden dowel to my satanic hamstrings.

Pretty much, yeah. Classic errors repeated. Hold off on dinner because the kids were doing something else, try to go shopping before eating a real dinner, realize you’re starving and about to murder random people and then … eat a hot dog at Costco.

The good news is that I’m stocked up with salad and meat supplies for the next big push.

In the realm of body image, something I’d pondered over the years seems to have come true. I was afraid that I would look worse (or think I look worse) in the middle of a large scale diet/fitness effort. Well, that seems to have come true. When I catch myself in the mirror I have muscles and lard in odd places and proportions. The problem is that I fundamentally do not trust my own perceptions. When these perceptions are put against other measurements (weight, waist, body fat, etc.) they make even less sense.

The risk for diet/fitness efforts is that you may set a goal of n pounds or x inches lost but what if you look like crap when you reach the goal? That kind of thinking must be a naysayer’s delight.

I had a moment of calm last night in a storm of issues both personal and professional and decided to take my blood pressure. It was high so I did a 3-minute yoga breathing exercise, which is breath in for a count of four, hold for one, release slowly for four. The trick is to be uninterrupted and I use a not-scientifically-proven-to-do-F-all technique called tapping to help me focus on the breathing.

I took at 157/90 BP and 61 pulse to 139/86 and 60 pulse in three minutes.

Had I spent another 6 minutes doing this, I’d likely have got myself close to normal. (However the late news was coming on and you know what that does to your blood pressure!)

I conclude my blood pressure is situational as opposed to chronic. However, it tells me that during the day I need to focus on breathing.

The 60 pulse is pretty amazing to me. I have had lower during the past many months, but given situational stress, I’m glad to see such a low resting number.

What does this matter? Well, I have a freaking weigh-in on Tuesday. I don’t feel much lighter although the pants are a bit looser. I think though, regardless, it’s time to face the music. I have all weekend to psyche myself up.

In other good news, although I was unable to go to the gym, I feel today that my legs are finally not on fire from previous workouts. At lunch I’ll go see what they can do.

OK, so as predicted yoga class yesterday was pretty intense. You just don’t know for sure when you are going to use your inner thighs. OK, that sounds weird but it’s true.

The rain yesterday afternoon (not forecasted) made me shorten my bicycle ride home, which given the condition of my legs, was probably not a bad idea.

I managed to find the time to make a next round of foodstuffs for lunch and dinner to keep me until I can shop. However, it “ate” into time that I needed for bookkeeping for an October 31 GST deadline. This of course “eats” into sleep time, which runs the risk of bad food events.

It’s all connected and there’s just no room for the unexpected. And especially when you have children, you have to expect the unexpected.

My inner thighs are begging for mercy. Yesterday’s self-guided kettle bell workout went well. I think I figured it out and I was exhausted in a good way at the end of the workout. It was the second day in a row following Victoria’s session where we reviewed the kettle bell routine.

Then, I walked home. This morning I rode to work on my bike (Finally a non-pouring day.) The legs were sending me signals that I was a moron.

After I changed clothes, and went across the street to get a coffee, I realized I was walking like a penguin.

Later I have yoga. Prepaid class. I’m going to cry like a 2-year-old who’s had his Elmo doll abruptly taken away.

Flinging kettle bells can be fun when people in the gym walk into the range of the kettle bell. I didn’t kill anyone yesterday nor did I smack myself in the head, but I did figure out what I was doing wrong.

It’s distracting right now. I have more going on than I like but I don’t want to whine about it. OK I’m lying I do want to whine about it but I don’t want to bore myself to death writing about my petty whining issues.

So, ideas to keep in my head for today.

1. Don’t eat extraneous stuff
2. Go to the gym
3. Use the umbrella today unlike yesterday
4. Try not to obsess over chocolate almonds (see 1) and Vancouver School Board insanity

I’m a moron and I went to moron school for extra lessons.

That’s my affirmation for the day. Pretty good, eh? I’m contemplating slapping myself stupid on the half hour just to keep me focused on what I’m trying to do here.

Oh yeah. Cookies don’t help. Damn, someone shoulda told me.

Did I mention that the Trump edifice in Vancouver is right beside where I work? And it’s true the logo and name are covered. They’ve had the sidewalk and back alley tied up for weeks making it more difficult to go to the gym. This hasn’t stopped me but somehow there’s a symbolism of insanity here that is crying out to be noticed.

Today I do my kettle bell review workout to see if I can remember how to do them properly.

So, this isn’t going to yield meaningful results if I can beat back the carbs. I had one of those body image moments where I’m sitting in a chair watching my son have his hair cut and of course there are lots of mirrors in the place. My gut is hanging around in a revolting manner even though the shirt I’m wearing is way looser than it used to be. No amount of sucking in the gut helps. No sitting up straighter helps.

This is in contrast to Friday at the gym where I saw in a mirror how broad and square looking my back is becoming. That was a good feeling. Yesterday was a bad feeling.

This is turning into such a head game. I need to find the balance between self-confidence and self-revulsion to carry me to a healthier space both gut-wise and brain-wise.

So, yes, if you don’t take enough sleep you become grumpy and eat more. Even if it’s the good stuff, you eat more of it. And it works. I can attest I bought myself enough energy to do three loads of laundry just on the basis of a LOT of steak. Of course, now I’m out of steak. And I stayed up late. But I was off my feet for more than 7 hours last night and I noticed the difference.

Diet/fitness isn’t just calories. It is influenced by rest, social, cultural and psychological aspects of life.

Well. It’s rainy. Really rainy. My feet were soaked walking the 1.5 blocks from the bus stop to the office. It’s definitely harder to focus and motivate oneself when it’s dark as night when the alarm goes.

Speaking of motivation, it’s hard to reach the level of precision that karate demands when the muscles around the hip lock up. It felt like cement from just above my right knee up into my lower back. I used the technique of lying on a lacrosse ball to put pressure on the painful areas. This loosened it up. Hopefully at the gym I can make time to do so more openers.

How much pain is the right amount of pain? Up to but not including injury. This makes it hard to conclude if you’re being a weenie or actually at the point of injury.