Author: Robert Ford

  • 2025: Redirection of Greed

    2025: Redirection of Greed

    Christmas Story 2025
    Redirection of Greed

    by Robert Ford

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    December 24, 2024

    Charles enjoyed working on a whiteboard. The equations were complicated, and he was often stumped, but it was a wonderful puzzle. This was his theoretical physics hobby work. Usually, he would keep the white board facing inward to his study wall so as not to be distracted.

    Tonight, with it feeling quiet, he had an hour to work on his favourite physics problems.

    On his turntable was a London Symphony Orchestra’s recording of L’Enfance du Christ by Hector Berlioz.

    A fresh idea came to him. He was going to extend an equation, but a hand touched his shoulder. A familiar voice said, “you probably don’t want to complete that.”

    “Shit!” said Charles, startled, a feeling quickly replaced by confusion. It was like looking into a mirror, but with the mirror showing him older. Behind this sudden intruder was an elliptical shimmer that was fading fast.

    “Hi, yeah. No way to avoid the surprise appearance.”

    “Who are you?”

    “I’m Charles. 2028 version.”

    Charles’ pulse started to return toward normal. He weakly gestured to the white board, “So … this worked?”

    “Pretty much. Except I just interrupted you so, now, who knows?” said Charles 2028. He walked over to a clock on the wall. “Hey, your guests are coming soon. This might be the last thing I’m certain of. This may sound strange, but I’m exhausted. I’m going to lie down on this couch of ours while you hang with the guests.”

    Charles 2028 placed a small backpack he was carrying beside the couch. After moving a few books off the couch onto the floor, he lied down. He looked as if he had significant jetlag and mild nausea.

    “Um, OK. What do I tell them?” asked Charles 2024.

    “My strong recommendation is nothing. You need time to integrate this into your thinking. Enjoy people for who they are today. I don’t know if that’s sage advice or just advice from a time traveller.”

    A couple hours later, Charles 2024 found Charles 2028 asleep on the couch. The Christmas Oratorio by JS Bach was finishing on the turntable.

    He woke up promptly and was thrilled that Charles 2024 had brought some favorite snacks. “Good man, you saved some of the sausage rolls.”

    Charles 2024 said, “Obviously I have questions. Let me know later how many of these are questions you expected. Where’s your time machine?”

    “Technically you create a portal that disappears once you’ve used it. No actual machinery.”

    “So, this is a one-way trip for you.”

    “Unless I build another portal in which case I can go back in time further. But not forward. In anticipation of the obvious follow-up question, you can’t go into the future because it doesn’t exist yet.”

    “But you came from the future.”

    “True. My recent past, AKA the future, either no longer exists or is inaccessible to us.”

    “You don’t know?”

    “The equations are … unclear.”

    “Why here why now?”

    “There is a woman.”

    “What woman?”

    “You have not met her yet. I was just getting to know her when she died in a senseless accident.”

    “Wow. Intense. That drove you from theory to practice. What about the law of conservation of mass and energy? For example, lens cells in the eyeballs … you and I – pardon the pun – should have the same cells.”

    “The mostly carbon and hydrogen molecules that underlie the proteins swap out for locally available molecules. Same shape for the proteins, different molecules.”

    “I’m surprised that the transition was not more painful.”

    “Me too. The fear of arriving as a pile of goop was real. I wonder if there’s a name for that in psychiatry. You know, like ailurophobia. Maybe goopaphobia.”

    “What’s in the bag?” asked Charles 2024.

    Charles 2028 opened it. There was a lot of cash. Mostly 50s and 100s. In the middle, there were about 100 one-ounce gold bars. At the bottom were paper notebooks. No electronics.

    “Going shopping?” Charles 2024 asked, smiling.

    “I figured I had to support myself somehow. If I were you, since I am, I would not want a dependant at this stage of life. In the notebooks there are some stock tips. I hope to set up a brokerage account and very carefully and subtly play the market. I’m not here for the money.”

    “How is ID going to work? The long-lost twin? Although that doesn’t work. Genetically I suppose we’re similar to IVF twins, but I’m thinking true identical twins – born in different years – is impossible.”

    “My idea was to live a parallel life,” said Charles 2028. He pulled a passport and drivers license from his bag and showed them to Charles 2024.”

    “Hey. Those are mine.”

    “When I realized what I wanted to do, I stole my wallet and passport from myself.”

    “What?”

    “I staged a theft, reported them lost, and went through the annoying process of replacing them.”

    “I guess that means you’ll be able to set up cell phone, banking, etc. Neat. But what do we tell family and friends? Especially if we’re seen together. Especially Mom and Dad. They’re old, but I think they’d remember having two sons rather than one.” Charles 2024 laughed at the imagined conversation.

    “For now,” said Charles 2028, “I would like to avoid the relatives. For acquaintances, I am the estranged older brother. When needed, I thought I’d go by Dennis, our middle name.”

    “My math was showing how far in the past you could go is limited by the age of the person doing the time travel. Is that correct?”

    “Yes,” said Charles 2028. “Memory – as unreliable as it is – is the tether in time and space. Everything moves; everything connects.”

    Charles 2028 stayed through the New Year. He did all the work needed to set up banking, a bachelor apartment, obtain a cellphone, and some tax planning. Extra effort was needed to keep things from looking strange on paper. Neither of them wanted to pay excess tax.

    He was reluctant to talk about the future because he didn’t want to spoil it more than he already had. Nor did he want things to change too much until he could connect with his unnamed lady friend.

    April 2, 2025

    It was one of those Vancouver overcast wet days. Every surface and person had a damp sheen. But, somehow, it was not raining enough to make bringing an umbrella worthwhile. At the intersection of West Georgia and Burrard, an impatient pedestrian ran to cross the street. The light was yellow, and the pedestrian countdown was at 3 seconds remaining. His footwear was inadequate to handle the road’s low coefficient of friction. He slipped and went down hard with right arm extended, which led to a dislocated shoulder. Worse, to the east, was an impatient driver in a new Lexus TX who was fixated on the signal light. The height of his vehicle obscured the struggling body on the road. Once the light changed to green, the driver hit the gas like a horse bolting out of a starting gate. Then he saw the pedestrian. He slammed the brakes and swerved. The same slick conditions that had bedeviled the pedestrian took the SUV sideways onto the sidewalk, where a female pedestrian was struck and crushed by the 4,670-pound vehicle.

    Several blocks away, Charles 2028 was having lunch with Cynthia. Officially, she was his Financial Advisor but, practically, they both knew they were friends considering a relationship.

    The next day, Charles 2028 took a call from Cynthia. She was in tears, “Did you hear about Cassie?” Cassandra was a Cynthia’s co-worker. “An SUV hit her at Georgia and Burrard and she was killed.”

    Charles simply said, “No.” He was planning on checking the news today to see if there had been an accident.

    “Uh, when?” he asked.

    “While we were having lunch.” She sobbed more.

    He gasped. “Are you OK? Well, obviously not.”

    She cut him off. “Sorry Dennis, I have more people calling about this.”

    “Can I call you later and check in with you?”

    “Yes.” Then she ended the call.

    Charles 2028 moved to his laptop and started looking at the CBC and CTV news sites. The CBC had a picture of the scene with the Lexus being towed. He saved the article to a PDF and printed it. In his apartment he had a safe from which he pulled a printout of another PDF. Same date, but from his personal past. It was the article that indicated that Cynthia had been the victim. Hit by an SUV, at lunch time, on yesterday’s date, at West Georgia and Burrard. But the SUV was not the same. Cynthia had been killed by a Ford Expedition. Yesterday’s vehicle was a Lexus TX.

    Charles 2028 had approached the problem with simple thinking: keep Cynthia away from the accident. In retrospect, he wondered if he should have prevented the crash itself? But, he had no way to influence the driver. When Cynthia died, it was deemed an accident and no charges were laid. And now he wasn’t sure it was the same driver. Until more information was released, he would not know.

    Charles 2028 was angry with himself for such limited thinking. He had accepted that Cynthia’s death – as he had experienced it in his version of 2025 – was the result of an accident. “Accident” was the wrong word to use for car crashes as they were more often the result of errors in judgement and mechanical problems with the vehicles. A lightening strike would be truly unexpected – unless you were holding a lightening rod. He berated himself for not thinking that someone else would be hurt. Of course, he would not have anticipated some invisible Final Destination style Death entity trying to balance the ledger.

    What next? Charles 2028 had been so fixated on avoiding Cynthia’s death, he had not thought beyond that. Eventually his back story would crumble. He hoped for a relationship, but no relationship counsellor ever recommended basing love on lies.

    Charles 2028 let two weeks pass so that the shock of the loss would lessen. Their relationship seemed to still progress. Charles 2028 felt that he truly loved her. He had held the fear that his obsession with her – due to her death in his personal timeline – would not stand up to the normality of dating and developing a relationship.

    He phoned Charles 2024. “I need some help.”

    It had been at least two months since they had last spoken. “Sure,” he said. “What’s up?”

    “I need you to meet Cynthia.”

    “The lady in question? Did you complete your mission of saving her?”

    “Yes. But there are complications. She also needs to know the truth.”

    “That will be an interesting conversation.”

    “My thinking is that she won’t believe me unless we talk to her together, in person.”

    “Let me know when and we can meet.”

    The next evening Charles 2028 said to Cynthia, “I’d like you to meet my younger brother. I’ve not been particularly open about my family. He’s invited us over on Friday.”

    “Is he nice?” she asked, pleased to be let into Dennis’ world a little more.

    “He’s a lot like me.”

    May 9, 2025

    Cynthia was aware that Dennis was nervous. His “brother” answered the door to the duplex. He was smiling like someone enjoying a prank.

    “Come on in! I’m Charles, as you’ve likely deduced.”

    They sat in the small living room. Having been warned that Cynthia was a Chardonnay fan, he brought out glasses and poured a generous serving for all of them. “You’re going to need this,” said Charles 2024.

    Cynthia looked like someone watching a tennis match as she looked to and from Charles 2024 and Charles 2028 (a.k.a. Dennis).

    “How far apart in age are you guys?” she asked.

    “I’m about 4 years older.”

    “Have you guys been mistaken for identical twins?”

    “Biologically,” said Charles 2024, “we are identical twins. Our difference is the age gap.”

    “Buddy, before I became a CFA I did biology in school. And, I have girlfriends who underwent IVF. You can’t capture and freeze identical twin embryos.”

    “Correct,” said Dennis. “How’s your theoretical physics?”

    “I can spell ‘Einstein’ and ‘Hawkings’.”

    Charles 2024 walked into the study and wheeled out his white board. He turned it around to face Dennis and Cynthia. “This is the first time I’ve looked at this since he showed up last Christmas.”

    “What do you mean, ‘showed up’?” The equations and notation on the board were gibberish to Cynthia.

    From his backpack, Dennis pulled out the printouts of the two accidents from April 2 as well as another folder of printed material. “There’s no way to make this easy. I’m from 2028 and I came back to save you. Here’s the article where Cassandra died, and here’s the one I brought – where you died.”

    Dennis put this and the other folder on the coffee table. Beside it he placed his ID from the future and the other folder.

    Cynthia looked at the printouts. “Is this some kind of joke?”

    “No,” they both said in unison.

    She wiped tears from her eyes. She exhaled heavily. “Let’s assume – just for a second – that you guys aren’t some weird creeps. Did you deliberately substitute Cassie for me?”

    “God, no. All I did was keep you away from the accident scene.”

    Cynthia opened the folder and flipped through page after page of market data and trends from 2025 to 2028. She opened Charles 2028’s futuristic passport and driver’s license. She was silent, which the two Charleses took as a better sign than screaming and running out the door.

    “Why is the car different?” she asked.

    “The moment I arrived, the future changed,” said Charles 2028. “The ripple effects are difficult to anticipate. For example, I’m not even sure if the driver at the scene last month was the same guy that I remember.”

    “What’s with the market data?”

    “A gift. But you’ll see that there are now small variances, but I figured you could do more with the information than I could.”

    “Where’s your time machine?”

    The two Charleses explained as best as possible the process and one-way nature of time travel.

    “Am I the only person you’ve met with?” she asked.

    “Yes,” they said.

    Cynthia chugged her glass of Chardonnay, tossed Dennis his passport from 2028, and picked up the folder and printouts. “I need time to think.”

    She left.

    “That could have gone worse,” said Charles 2024.

    May 19, 2025

    Charles 2028 answered the phone, “Cynthia. How are you?”

    “I’m OK,” she replied. “And you?”

    “Good. I’ve been catching up on movies that I didn’t get to see.”

    “I’ve been thinking,” she said.

    “Hard to avoid, I bet.”

    “Ha ha. Seriously,” she said, “I have two challenges. One is that I still like you. The other is that I’m angry at you and your ‘brother’ for thinking small.”

    “Small?”

    “You came back to save me and, as endearing as that sounds, your goals were pretty selfish and limited. You swapped me and Cassandra.”

    “All my possible responses to that statement are inadequate.”

    “Possibilities are exactly what I’m talking about. Do you think you and your ‘brother’ could build another portal?”

    “Most likely. Why? What do you have in mind?”

    December 24, 2025

    At Charles 2024’s home, the entire office area was covered in new boards with lots of information.

    There was also a lot of Christmas decorations as they were feeling festive. Cynthia was amused that two guys who were basically the same person could disagree so much as to what Christmas music to play.

    “What’s your deal with LPs, classical music and such? I thought you were physicists.”

    Charles 2024 answered, “When I was a kid, I wanted to learn to play every instrument in the orchestra.”

    “Wow. What stopped you?”

    “Mom and Dad,” said Charles 2028. Mocking his parents’ accent, continued, “Can’t make a living being a musician! What rot.

    Cynthia had suggested a plan to try to improve the lives of many more people. The key issues of climate change and human rights seemed indomitable but, if they could go back to 1992, leverage the momentum of the Rio Earth Summit, she believed they could make a real difference. A one-way trip together would make the voyage less frightening.

    The science needed an overhaul because of the increased mass going back. Cynthia had a long shopping list of things to bring. Mostly financial history data to help fund their mission.

    She reasoned that it was going to take sustained effort to influence people and start a fossil fuel replacement system. Cynthia’s finance background was focused on her concept of redirection of greed.

    “Rich bastards don’t care how they get rich,” she said. “Being rich is the definition of being special. The how is not on their minds. People generally suck at empathy. For example, if coal mine owners during the industrial revolution had the ability to truly imagine and feel what it was like being children working in the mines, their brains would have broken.”

    Charles 2028 had developed his time portal with very little use of public networks. He knew instinctively that there were people who would misuse this. Cynthia’s blunt assessment had made him double down on the isolation of their work from the Internet.

    The door to the study started to glow. The door frame had been wired with Christmas lights. Charles 2028 realized that was not the light source.

    “No way,” he said.

    Out of the doorway stumbled another Charles.

    He seemed injured. Charles 2024 moved forward to help him and prevented him from falling to the floor.

    Cynthia was staring at the new arrival’s prosthetic, robotic-looking, right arm.

    “Hi guys.”

    “Um, who are you? Exactly,” asked Charles 2028.

    “I’m what you’d call Charles 2031.”

    “Which of us,” said Charles 2028, “are you?”

    “Him,” Charles 2031 said, pointing at Charles 2024.

    They helped Charles 2031 to the couch. He dropped a heavy backpack to the ground.

    “Where are the rest of us?” asked Charles 2028.

    After Charles 2031 requested and consumed some sausage rolls, questions were asked at a furious rate and answers provided. Charles 2028 had developed glioblastoma – brain cancer – and passed way. Cynthia was crushed by the experience and withdrew to deal with her mental health – a double shot of survivor guilt.

    “Why didn’t Charles 2024 – or you – develop cancer?”

    “Hardest to predict and hardest to treat,” said Charles 2031. “Screwing around with our molecules through time travel may not have helped. However, I have a Christmas present for all of you.”

    From his backpack he pulled out three injectors. “Voila, despite all the misinformation bullshit, they developed a cancer vaccine. Not a guarantee but proven to substantially reduce risk. You’re all nerds, so here’s the patient information sheet. By the way, this stuff is new and not cheap.”

    They all injected themselves as directed into their thigh muscles.

    “Prepare yourselves to feel truly shitty tomorrow.”

    “What’s with the arm?” asked Cynthia.

    “That reminds me,” said Charles 2031, “I need to take my meds.” He pulled out an injector and applied it to himself. “This arm of mine causes a health problem called surgical implant rejection. When I was testing the portal, I made a mistake and my arm got caught. This is what the portal gave me back.”

    “Where or when is the prosthesis from?”

    “No clue. It has some cool tech that I simply don’t understand. Anyway, if I remember correctly, you guys are in the thick of the probability math. It’s nasty. My personal unscientific view is that we are messing with the universe and we need to stop.”

    “Is there a plan here, guys?” asked Cynthia?

    “We celebrate!” said Charles 2031. “Because I brought what we need to accelerate the creation of a portal to 1992. I hope you don’t mind if we become a team of four. Because I assure you that you don’t want to see the US president’s third term.”

    December 25, 1992 – 1 AM

    The portal opened in the basement recreation room of Charles’ childhood home. It was the most solid memory that the three Charleses had that far back. Despite the four of them feeling extremely nauseous from the trip, they stayed silent. They each had a large backpack.

    They carefully and silently exited out the back door.

    “Everyone OK?” asked Charles 2028.

    They had decided to break into teams of two. Cynthia and Charles 2028 were going to set up their new life and start the influencing work.

    “And no more time travel. We’ll fix the problem here,” said Charles 2031, pointing at the house. “See you in March.”

    Charles 2024 and 2031 booked into a nearby hotel to rest and plan their next move.

    When businesses opened, they established bank accounts and a trust account for the 7-year-old Charles. It was part of the last will and testament of Great Aunt Ethel, who – assuming their time travel hadn’t altered her fate – was due to pass away in February 1993. The trust covered all expenses for music lessons and education.

    The existence of the trust would be a surprise because, as far as Charles’ parent knew, Aunt Ethel was as poor as a church mouse. However, the support for the arts would not be a surprise. Aunt Ethel was a regular figure at live music concerts.

    Young Charles’ parents would be provided a monthly income bump up, but with the provision they let Charles pursue music. The law firm that Charles 2024 retained were to be paid to collect the receipts/proof until Charles was age 21.

    “All you have to do is make sure the lawyers do their job. No more time travel,” said Charles 2031.

    “We didn’t bring enough with us to easily restart a portal and I really don’t feel the urge to start over,” said Charles 2024. “If we can’t make a positive change with our team, I don’t think we ever had a chance. Of course, trying will be fun.”

    “Don’t get mad, but I have to make a slight change to the plan,” said Charles 2031.

    “Oh?”

    “I’m sicker than I look. The anti-rejection drug cocktail that I take has about a year’s supply. I cannot obtain or make, in 1993, more of what I’m taking.”

    “Wow. That sucks. I can imagine why you didn’t tell us. What are you thinking?”

    “There’s a real estate developer and a financier in New York – they have interests in a private island called Little Saint James that’s part of the US Virgin Islands. What do they say in football? Oh yes. I think I’m going to run some interference.

  • 2024: The Christmas Ghost Consultant

    2024: The Christmas Ghost Consultant

    Christmas Story 2024
    The Christmas Ghost Consultant

    By Robert Ford

    Download the PDF

    December 23, 2024

    Chantal entered her apartment and quickly popped the gun out of the secret compartment in the wall. She shot the intruder twice in the chest. He was sitting in her favourite chair.

    “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice shootin’, girl!”

    Did he just paraphrase Ghostbusters?

    “Ouch,” he said, “I didn’t even get a chance to say, ‘sorry for barging in like this’.”

    He stood up and approached her.

    Chantal blinked in shock and disbelief. She also could not move. She could not apply pressure to her feet, but at the same time did not feel any pressure that would be holding her in place.

    “Let’s see,” he said. “We’ll have to clean up this mess.”

    He slowly rotated his hands around each other in a counterclockwise direction. In slow motion, the bullets emerged from his chest and floated back into the gun Chantal was holding. She could not feel, but only see, the gun drifting back into the secret compartment.

    “There. That outta do it. You good to talk? No more grabbing firearms and going all blam blam?”

    “Sure,” she said. Realizing she could now move, she switched on a light to allow for a better look at the intruder. He was white, about five foot ten, and sported a lightweight goatee. His hair was dark, but it looked artificially dark. He was well dressed in simple dress pants and shoes. He wore a Christmas themed vest under a black blazer.

    “Who the hell are you? What are you?”

    “Ah, yes. I’m Luc.”

    She gestured; go on.

    “I am a Christmas spirit.”

    “It’s December 23.”

    “It’s Christmas Eve in Europe.”

    Chantal frowned.

    “OK,” Luc said, “I’ll admit it. Christmas Eve is reserved for the truly top shelf spirits.”

    “Sure,” she said, “Are you the Marley equivalent or one of the past, present, future guys?”

    “I’m more of a cursed entity, one fated for eternity to solve a mystery.”

    “Which is … ?” she asked.

    “Given your vocation, it pains me to admit that I am cursed to discover why most men are assholes.”

    “Wow. Really? Sisyphus had nothing on you.”

    “I know, right?”

    “So, what do you want with me? You aren’t going to take me back through my life or anything are you?”

    “Good heavens no. You don’t need to relive that sort of trauma. I’m here to ask for your help. At the risk of sounding stupid, I just want to confirm: you are Chantal Harris, lawyer, women’s rights activist, domestic violence survivor, and general all-round smarty pants?”

    “Uh, yeah.”

    “Excellent. I thought I should just double check I landed in the right gun slinging female person’s apartment.”

    “Why were you cursed?”

    “What?”

    “You said you were cursed to search for the answer to a mystery I’ve been working on most of my life. What happened to you?”

    “Well, I’ve lived a human life many times and each time I was … awful.”

    “Awful how?”

    “Let’s say, just for example – in leadership roles – I invented the term ‘medieval practices’ well before the Middle Ages.”

    “And how – so far – is your quest going to determine why men are assholes?”

    “Terrible, which is why I’ve come to you. Every year I have a chance to help three men who are at risk of harming women. It’s gone poorly because the guys don’t understand what I’m saying and therefore do not change or I … injure them.”

    “After all this time, you must have a working theory on why men are awful,” she said.

    “Well,” Luc said, “men are pretty stupid. This, of course, is not much of a theory because there are smart men who are awful and there are stupid men who aren’t awful.”

    “What three guys are you planning on haunting this evening?”

    “One fellow from each of the categories of Stalkers (your fave), Perpetrators of Domestic Violence, and Bosses Who Misuse Power.”

    “What about Incels?”

    “Incels? You must be kidding. Those morons? They are bottom feeders amongst misogynists. They’re the ones I based my men-are-stupid theory on. How they take themselves seriously – let alone expect anyone else to take them seriously – is beyond me. However, when you run over a bunch of strangers with a van, you can be taken seriously. But that’s insane, which is an insult to people whose brains have been half carved out with poisonous sticks. I assume you know that the term involuntary celibacy was coined by a bisexual woman?”

    “Yes, I did. In the 1990s. Alana’s Involuntary Celibacy Project. Boy, was she unhappy to have unintentionally coined that term.”

    “It’s such an annoying term. Involuntary servitude is something truly involuntary. Celibacy can be fixed with a few hundred bucks and the correct type of service provider. Unintentional celibacy might make more sense. Maybe I’ll start calling them Uncels just to bug them.”

    “OK. Moving on,” said Chantal. “What am I supposed to be doing?”

    “You are an expert on harassment. Working on a PhD. You have TikTok. You can help me, and I can give you safe access to subjects. Insight you can’t obtain through traditional methods.”

    Chantal hesitated.

    “I can always go ask Reynolds-Assiz,” said Luc.

    “She’s no good. Too academic and this, coming from me, an academic.”

    “So, you’re in?”

    Chantal wished her father was alive and here. She could hear him say, Sweetie, how do you manage to attract all the Froot Loops?

    “Yes,” she said with a sigh. Chantal was in the mental state whereby she could be convinced that she’d been slipped LSD and was on some sort of freaky trip.

    “Before we go,” Luc said, “we absolutely must decorate. I can tell you haven’t had much time to make your apartment festive.”

    “Seriously?”

    “This won’t take long. Imagine your boxes of decorations. Visualize how you’d like them displayed.”

    “OK.”

    Luc gently rotated his hands clockwise and they watched as lights, decorations and mementoes left boxes and closets and appeared on shelves and walls.

    “That’s incredible,” Chantal said.

    “It’s the least I can do. Considering what happens next. The way I travel is by taking two points in spacetime and connecting them as if they’re an elastic band. May I hold your hand?”

    “OK.”

    “This might feel weird.”

    They appeared beside a hedge in an upscale Vancouver neighbourhood. Chantal threw up.

    “Yes, that does happen,” said Luc. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a very nice linen serviette.

    “Sorry. Here you go.”

    “Is this normal?” Chantal sounded raspy.

    “Yeah.”

    “Great.”

    He held out his hand and took the serviette back. When he opened his jacket, Chantal could see sparkling lights. Into the lights went the soiled linen.

    “What the hell?”

    “You didn’t think I was going to litter? This is my Chaos Jacket. It has access to all kinds of fun things including a restaurant’s linen – clean and dirty.”

    “We are standing beside a huge hedge.” She sounded both nauseous and skeptical.

    “Yeah. About that. Hang on a sec.”

    Chantal watched in confusion as Luc climbed effortlessly into the dense cedar hedge, which must have been at least 10 feet tall. A minute later, a man fell to the sidewalk. The fall looked painful. Luc emerged from the hedge and brushed off loose greenery.

    “Hi Karl. I’m Luc. This is Chantal. She’s better than you.”

    Luc put his foot on Karl’s chest as he tried to rise.

    “So, what do you make of his outfit?” Luc asked.

    Karl had camouflage gear, protective wear, hooks to climb the hedge, and – on his head – an expensive night scope.

    “This is our stalker?” asked Chantal.

    “Yes, Karl here is the proud holder of two restraining orders for his relentless and obsessive pursuit of Nikki Thomas.”

    “The journalist?”

    “Yep.”

    “So,” Chantal asked, “what do you normally do at this point?”

    “Why?” asked Luc. “What would you do?”

    “I’d call the cops.”

    “As often frustrating and unproductive as that is?” Luc asked.

    “You have to work with what you’ve got.”

    “Well, I have much more to work with. Here’s what I do.” Luc crouched down closer to Karl.

    “Karl, why are you stalking Nikki?”

    “I’m not stalking her. We’re in love.”

    “Uh huh. So, when did you two love birds first meet in person?”

    Silence from Karl.

    “How do you know she’s in love with you?”

    “All she has to do is get to know me.”

    “Uh huh. What do the two restraining orders mean to you?”

    “They are trying to keep us apart.”

    “Who’s they?”

    Karl looked at both Chantal and Luc with Karl’s face showing zero signs of comprehension of the question.

    Luc turned to Chantel. “It’s at this point I usually become somewhat … violent.”

    “I can understand your frustration,” said Chantal. “In my research, guys like this have brains that are broken by obsession or delusion. Regardless, calling the police is normal. This is a crime despite the lack of seriousness that the judicial system places on the offence. What I wonder is why guys like this – when they are in the early stages of obsession-heading-to-stalking – think that stalking is an option?”

    “I know, right?” said Luc. “I can’t imagine even this groin pull of an idiot had a mother that said to him, ‘Now honey, when girls reject you – which they will – make sure to follow them and make them love you until you are in so much trouble with the law that you go to jail.’”

    Luc’s falsetto made Chantal laugh. One of those I-really-should-not-laugh-at-that laughs.

    “There’s something I want to try,” said Luc. “Let me know what you think.”

    Chantal stopped laughing and started feeling nervous.

    While putting his knee on Karl’s chest, Luc pressed his thumbs into Karl’s temples. He whispered “you can’t even think about her” into Karl’s ear. Luc stood and Karl writhed on the ground. He was in agony; he vomited.

    “What did you do?”

    “If he thinks about Nikki, he will be ill.”

    “But,” said Chantal, “that’s probably all he thinks about.”

    “Karl!” shouted Luc, “Try thinking about clouds or sports scores.”

    “That’s a bit punitive, don’t you think?” asked Chantal.

    “Punitive is good by me.”

    “But what stops him from switching obsessions? You’ve done a Clockwork Orange on him; it doesn’t address the underlying misogyny. Conditioning him to not be bad to one person is not the same as getting through to him that good feelings can come from good deeds.”

    “Now there’s a film reference. You took a 20th century film course?”

    “Yeah. There was a boy,” she said.

    Chantal looked at Luc. He suddenly reminded her of The Grinch in the old cartoon when he had his epiphany.

    “Combo package!” said Luc.

    He crouched down to Karl and pinned him down again and placed his thumbs at his temples. He whispered, “Think of Nikki; get a migraine. Help people, be kind; you will feel a surge of dopamine and serotonin. Get to work.”

    Karl’s discomfort visibly reduced.

    “Pity I don’t have the capacity to do this to about 4 billion people. Let’s get out of here.”

    “You’re going to leave him here?”

    “Yeah. He’s still a jackass.” Luc took Chantal’s hand.

    “Wow. Cool. I didn’t puke,” said Chantal, who was shaking off some dizziness. “Where are we?”

    “At a residence in the hamlet of Balsam, Ontario.”

    “Never heard of it.”

    “You hadn’t heard of Harrow, Ontario until last summer, right?”

    Chantal frowned.

    “So, what are your first impressions?” asked Luc.

    Chantal looked around the poorly lit basement. The renovation was in the theme of a sports bar.

    “I’m in the worst man cave/basement renovation ever,” she said.

    “I know, right? Just the sheer number of finishing nails on the bar blows my mind,” said Luc.

    “And he seemed to have tried to mount the wide screen TV on the wall at least three times,” said Chantal.

    “Well,” said Luc, “let me pour you a drink.”

    Chantal carefully chose the bar stool that was the least wobbly and least dirty looking.

    Luc pulled out two shot glasses, took a fresh paper towel, and shined them up. He then started taking many open bottles of hard liquor from the bar fridge and under the counter.

    Chantal took stock and saw the signs of a home with an alcoholic. Booze didn’t guarantee the occurrence of domestic violence, but alcohol never helped.

    “What’s your poison?” asked Luc.

    The choices were not top shelf; Chantal chose the rye whiskey.

    “This guy’s not going to mind us drinking his booze?” she asked.

    “Not yet.”

    “Luc, if you’ve been alive as frequently as you say, you must have a real theory about how the gap between the treatment of men and women evolved.

    “Here’s what I imagine,” said Luc. “Possibly thousands of years before I was ever born, two guys named Nolnn and Baekin were talking. They were among the first post hunter gatherers. They knew where their great-great-great-grandfather’s cave was, and their family group had developed some subsistence farming and animal husbandry. They may have been the first people with a few minutes of downtime. They were talking, and one of them brought up the fact that when they were raising sheep, they did not need as many male sheep as female sheep. (They ate half the male sheep.) They realized the same goes for humans. Without women there is no species. A much smaller number of guys were needed because the girls were generally smarter, faster, and much less idiotic-looking. Perhaps that was the human race’s first experience with existential horror. Biologically, men are not as important as women. Nolnn and Baekin spread the word to other guys and the mission commenced: make sure the women were put in a place that made them less important so that things might even out. This would be what you call ‘lowering the bar.’ The dumbfuckery of this can be seen that for every breakthrough human – Pythagoras, Galileo, Newton, Einstein, etc. – there was probably an equal number of genius women who never saw the light of day. Their contributions are utterly lost.”

    “Jesus,” she said, “Pour me another one.”

    Luc filled her glass. “Even if my little story symbolizes the truth, people like you are dealing with a rather baked-in societal mistake. Prehistoric tales don’t help in the here and now. And, also, what I wonder is why women didn’t push back. ‘No more bunga bunga parties for you assholes until you figure it out.’”

    “It was probably a slow process,” said Chantal.

    “Speaking of the here and now, you’ve likely figured out this is the site of the person at risk of domestic violence in the form of murder-suicide. What indicators do you see? Sadly, I don’t think we can include bad carpentry and home renovation work on the list.”

    “The alcohol is certainly concerning,” said Chantal.

    “How about this?” From under the bar, Luc pulled out a shotgun. It was camouflage patterned.

    “That’s really concerning,” said Chantal. “Is it loaded?”

    Luc carefully removed 8 shells from the Mossberg.

    “Firearms in a dwelling need to be disabled and kept separate from ammunition.”

    “Regulations you know well,” said Luc patting his chest.

    “Ha ha,” said Chantal. “In this case, what was this guy thinking? How many kids does he have?”

    “Two. 8 and 5,” said Luc.

    Chantal stood from the bar stool and looked more closely around the basement. There was a locked door. She walked toward it. It was always a bad sign when men had locked rooms that the rest of the family could not enter.

    Luc walked up to the padlock and rotated his hands slightly and the lock changed to unlocked. They entered and switched on a light. The room was rectangular with signature bad drywall work. At one end were three long guns, all stored equally illegally close to unsecured ammunition. At the other end was a target for hatchet throwing. In the middle was a work bench with various tools.

    They left the room.

    “Well,” said Chantal, “that doesn’t make a person feel safer.”

    Luc found the remote to the wide screen TV and turned it on. He changed to a news channel and started rotating his hands clockwise. The news started to change and dates were moving forward to January 5th.

    “Ah, here we are.”

    The newscaster said, “There was a disturbing incident of gunfire on Highway 400 early this morning. Police were attempting to pull over a pickup truck wanted in connection with a domestic violence call in the small town of Balsam. According to eyewitness reports, the driver of the truck, once stopped, opened fire on officers. They returned fire, killing the driver.”

    Luc turned off the TV.

    “How do you know this broadcast will be the same on January 5? That the future you’ve shown me will hold.”

    “I’m fairly confident that, if we leave right now and take no action, that broadcast will be virtually the same on that date.”

    “Who the hell are you?” said a voice from behind them.

    “Ah,” said Luc. “The man of the house. Stephen, I am Luc. This is Chantal. Don’t worry, we do not represent Mike Holmes in any way; we’re not here to comment about the reno.”

    Stephen saw his shotgun on the bar. He moved quickly and picked it up, but then immediately dropped it back on the bar.

    “What happened?” asked Chantal.

    “I rigged it so that when he touched the gun, it would appear to turn into a coral snake.”

    Luc walked to the bar and picked up the shotgun.

    Chantal assessed Stephen. Late 30s. Had been fit in the past, but the drinking and whatever was haunting him had taken a lot from him. Probably was considered handsome in his 20s.

    “Please have a seat,” said Luc. “We have some questions. And by we, I mean her.”

    “Who are you guys?”

    “I’m a Christmas Ghost and Chantal here is a lawyer and an expert on intimate partner violence and criminal harassment. In other words, she’s much smarter than you.”

    “How’d you get in my house?”

    “Long story. First, this shotgun is a bit distracting,” said Luc. “I’ll put it away.” Luc stared at the firearm for a moment and it turned to small metal, wood and plastic pellets.

    “Hey. That cost me 400 bucks.”

    “Bill me.”

    Next, Luc tapped Stephen lightly on the forehead.

    “To avoid physical pain, you must answer Chantal’s questions truthfully.”

    Luc looked at Chantal, gesturing, go on.

    Chantal was wondering where to start.

    “Why do you have so many guns?”

    “I like them.”

    “That’s true, but hardly complete,” said Luc, frowning.

    “Have you ever had fantasies about or have imagined harming your family?” she asked.

    Stephen hesitated; he kept his mouth shut.

    “Failing to answer is as painful as lying,” said Luc.

    “Yes,” gasped Stephen.

    “Why?” asked Chantal.

    “I seriously don’t know. When I’m stressed it just happens.”

    “You are aware,” said Luc, “that men are supposed to protect their families?”

    “I know! But I get so angry.”

    “Have you hit your wife and children in the past?” asked Chantal.

    “Yes.” Gritted teeth.

    “Did they deserve it?”

    “What?” asked Stephen.

    “Did any of them,” she elaborated, “really deserve a punishment of any type, let alone violence?”

    “Not really,” Stephen said.

    “Do you hate them?”

    “No!”

    “But I bet you haven’t bought Christmas gifts for any of them yet,” said Luc.

    “Not yet,” said Stephen.

    “Oh, for fuck’s sake it’s the 23rd,” said Luc.

    Chantal interrupted. “Would you describe a man who has problems controlling his anger as a healthy person?”

    “Hey,” said Luc. “Was that a jibe?”

    “That question was for you, Stephen,” said Chantal.

    Stephen hadn’t thought of anger as being connected to health. “Uh, no. But it’s kind of normal, isn’t it?”

    “Did you know you could ask for help?”

    “With what?” Stephen asked.

    “Oh my God,” said Luc. “What the fuck you do think? You have DFD – Dumb Fucker Disease. It’s not right, healthy or normal to want to injure anyone, let alone family members.”

    “Is there any paper around?” asked Chantal.

    Luc pulled three lined notepads and a pen from his sparkling Chaos Jacket.

    “Connection to a Staples in there?” asked Chantal.

    “An Amazon warehouse,” said Luc. “They’re faster.”

    On the first notepad, Chantal wrote down instructions for Stephen on who to call and what to say to find help for his anger and violence problems.

    “You know,” said Luc, “there’s another way we could dramatically reduce the risk of him harming his family. Accidents happen, right?”

    “No,” said Chantal.

    “Oh well,” said Luc. “Risk mitigation it is. Stephen … your house is now dry.” The bottles on the bar all changed into a large variety of Italian soft drinks.

    “What, no Diet Coke?” asked Chantal.

    “Meh. Where’s the fun in that?” replied Luc.

    Stephen was breathing shallowly.

    “Plus, your guns in the other room are all powder,” said Luc. “And the other thing is decorations. This is the season of the coming of the light.” Luc rotated his hands and the basement was abruptly decorated with Christmas lights.

    “Now, Stephen, we must go annoy another prize ass this evening. But, before we go, I’m going to assign some homework.” Luc tapped Stephen’s head.

    Stephen took the first notepad, the pen, and started writing.

    I will lay down my life to protect my family.

    Even if it’s me that’s the danger.

    I am worthy enough to ask for help.

    “Once the pads are full, you can stop.”

    Chantal looked at what Stephen was writing. “Huh. Not bad.”

    “I have my moments. Let’s go. Oh, and Stephen, for God’s sake take a carpentry course and redo the basement.”

    They were suddenly standing inside some corporate offices.

    “Do you think Stephen and his family will be OK?”

    “Probably. His imminent and severe case of tendonitis should keep him occupied.”

    “Where are we?”

    “We are in the executive offices of HealthFit Brands. The CEO and founder is Paul Brown. He owns various gyms, equipment sales locations, and vitamin/juice bars.”

    Luc switched on some lights. “Take a look around. It’s a little more subtle than the basement reno.”

    Chantal looked at Luc. He appeared unwell. “You OK?” she asked.

    “I’m starting to run out of gas,” said Luc.

    The desk was large, wood laminate, and intimidating. Flat screens were suspended from the ceiling. They were switched off. Chantal presumed they monitored the markets. Awards to Paul Brown and his various companies were on shelves. Mostly contributing to community health events.

    Hanging on the walls were well framed larger-than-life images of fitness models promoting the various brands and product lines. The women – and all the pictures were women – displayed lovely teeth and chiselled abs, which were made visible by sports bras and cropped tank tops. Chantal did an assessment. Despite the ethnic diversity, there was a consistency across the models.

    “He has a type, eh?” said Luc.

    “It’s hard to judge height, but I bet these women are all five-five or six. They are all relatively top heavy. Or they simply don’t have a corresponding bottom to go with the top.”

    Further inspection of the office uncovered subtly hidden folding doors that would section off part of the office.

    Luc walked over and found the hidden button for the Murphy bed. The bed lowered quietly to the floor.

    “I’m sure it’s in case he wants a nap.”

    “Sure,” said Chantal. “I wonder where his drawer of sex toys is.”

    Luc walked to a hidden pop out drawer and opened it.

    “I was kidding,” said Chantal.

    “Before our subjects arrive, we need to look at his computer,” said Luc.

    They went to his desk where Luc performed some of his magic to put the computer into an active and logged in state.

    He reached into his Chaos Jacket and pulled out a new, still in its package, USB flash drive stick. He unwrapped it and shoved the packaging back into his jacket.

    “Amazon again?”

    “Nope. Best Buy,” said Luc. “These guys always have a hidden folder for their videos. Pretty much each one of the women in the posters has unwittingly performed for the hidden cameras that point at the Murphy bed.”

    The computer started copying files.

    “Um,” said Chantal, “one of your hands is turning … uh … skeletal.”

    “Oh yeah.” Luc shook his hand as if flicking off water. It returned to a normal state. “We’ll have to make short work of this guy as I’m on the clock.”

    The computer finished copying and Luc handed the drive to Chantal. “Keep this safe in a pocket.” Chantal didn’t have a pocket so she shoved it in her bra.

    “Or that,” said Luc. “One more thing. I don’t want them ever identifying you.” He touched her cheek very lightly. “Take a look.”

    She looked at her reflection in the computer. “Crap. I look like Jennifer Lawrence crossed with Kathy Bates.”

    “It won’t last.”

    In the doors came Paul Brown and a young woman. Chantal had a general rule that men should not date women who fit the category of “young enough to be your daughter born when you were 20.” This lady was on the cusp.

    “Why are the lights on?” asked Paul.

    “Good evening,” said Luc. “I’m your Christmas Ghost. This is Chantal, an expert.”

    “How did you get in here?” Paul demanded.

    Luc ignored him. “Hi,” said Luc, “What’s your name?”

    “Jannine,” she whispered.

    “I asked you a question,” said Paul.

    “And I said I was a ghost; how the fuck do you think I got here?” Luc let his face appear skeletal for a couple of seconds. Paul and Jannine recoiled. The doors behind them closed seemingly on their own.

    “It’s OK,” said Chantal. “He’s had a long night. We’re not here to hurt you. Right, Luc?”

    “Of course,” said Luc. “Now, this Christmas haunting procedure is quite simple. You two folks sit here at this small conference table. That’s good. And Chantal and I will join you. We will have a brief Q&A and then be on our way. Our assumption is that Paul was going to try to take advantage of the Murphy bed and other amenities this evening.”

    Paul sat still but kept his fists clenched at his sides.

    Chantal noted that Jannine was 5 foot 5 and met the appearance standards. Except the Christmas sweater hid her abs. Chantal assumed they were awesome.

    Once they were all seated, Luc tapped them both gently on the head. “You will find that not answering simply and truthfully will result in a headache. This saves time. Chantal, care to kick us off?”

    “Paul, let me start with you,” said Chantal. “You are aware that the company’s policies are against you having intimate relationships with employees.”

    “Yes,” he said.

    “So, do the HR policies do not apply to you?”

    “Technically yes, but practically no. I am the owner.”

    “Why is this OK?”

    “It’s always been this way. Successful people have fringe benefits that others do not. The standard laws and policies exist to give a semblance of fairness and to keep managers who are not actually owners of the company in check.”

    “You are a living meme for ‘Rules for Thee but Not for Me’” said Chantal. She turned to Jannine.

    “Would it surprise you to find that Paul has slept with most of the women you see pictured on the wall?”

    “No,” Jannine replied. “Um, is his arm supposed to be doing that?”

    Luc’s arm had turned skeletal and was smoking lightly, as if it were going to burst into flames. “Oh, sorry! I get steamed up.”

    “He’s a challenging character,” said Chantal. “My next question is, were you aware of Paul’s sexual intentions when he invited you to his office?”

    “I had a fairly good idea. It was an informal Christmas party on the last day before the holiday break. He was hitting on me fairly obviously – as he has done in the past.”

    “Had we not interrupted, would you have consented to sex, assuming he asked?”

    Paul was fuming and wanting to speak, but Luc pointed a skeletal hand at him and wagged his finger.

    “Would I have consented?” asked Jannine. “Probably. I’m this far, aren’t I? It’s not like I didn’t hear the rumours.”

    She continued in a girlish voice. “’Oh gosh, Jannine, be careful. He has favourites.’ The notion of consent is strange when the outcomes of the decision are basically a Kobayashi Maru in the sexual harassment how-to manual.”

    Luc frowned.

    “It’s the Star Trek no win scenario test,” said Chantal. “Go on.”

    “Right!” said Luc, “Star Trek II Wrath of Khan.”

    Chantal rolled her eyes.

    “If you rebuff the CEO’s interest in you,” said Jannine, “you are going to be labelled ‘difficult to work with’ or ‘not a team player.’ If you sleep with him, your career is limited to how long his interest holds, and how long you can handle having compromised your own integrity for purposes of furthering your career. Basically, you are screwed the second he takes interest in you. And me, I’m just a kid from the Prairies who’s the only one in the family to scrape through high school and university. Is this my punishment for daring to get ahead?”

    Luc raised his skeletal arm and said, “Oh, oh. Pick me! I have a question.”

    Chantal sighed.

    Luc turned to Paul, and asked, “Why do you diddle the staff?”

    “The pleasure. The beauty,” he said.

    “Incomplete!” said Luc. “It’s because of the power.” His left pinky finger burst into flames that produced no heat. He shook his hand and it went out.

    “Whoops. Anyway,” Luc continued, “the pleasure comes from knowing these women are compromised. You could afford to pay for an escort that met your particular standards. But there’s no fun in that! Where’s the chase? How does your inner predator feel the thrill? You want to be holding it over the women and the people who would object if they weren’t afraid of what you could do to them.”

    “It’s always been this way,” said Paul.

    “That’s actually not true and the whole world would be better off if you found a different way to get your jollies,” said Chantal.

    “Can I hit him now?” asked Luc.

    “No,” said Chantal.

    “Minor disfigurement?”

    “No.”

    “Well,” said Luc, “It’s best we wrap this up. Jannine, if you could go anywhere other than here, where would you go?”

    “I want to see my Mom.” Jannine started crying.

    “Piece of cake,” said Luc. He used his good arm to hold her hand and they disappeared. Chantal found it fascinating to watch this form of travel from a viewer’s perspective. The two of them seemed to crumple into a single point and vanish.

    She hoped Luc wasn’t going to leave her here with this Paul Brown creep. But, as she finished the thought, he returned.

    Luc was looking even more gruesome. He turned to Paul and said, “Merry Christmas you dipshit. Good luck.”

    Luc took Chantal’s hand and they disappeared, leaving Paul alone in his office.

    Back at Chantal’s apartment, Luc heaved himself painfully into her chair. “Please don’t shoot me,” he said.

    Chantal looked in a mirror to confirm that her face was back to normal.

    “Where did you take Jannine?”

    “Saskatchewan.”

    “Good lord. How will she get back?”

    “Paul had $5000 in cash hidden in his desk. I gave it to her.”

    “That was very thoughtful of you.”

    “I have my moments.”

    “You didn’t do anything to Paul Brown; why was that?”

    “The other two were clearly mentally broken in singular ways. Paul is a dirtbag top-to-bottom. My quick fixes would likely not last. However, you have the information needed to exert real pressure on him. You do have the USB key in your undergarments, right?”

    “Oh yes. Of course.”

    “Something you should know about that drive. I rolled the computer back two days and initialized the external drive to have a root directory showing a create date of December 21. Even if he figures out that it was you, it would not make sense because the files were copied two days ago.”

    “Hmm,” said Chantal. “That’s helpful. I suppose when asked how I got these files …”

    Luc interrupted. “Dropped off at your door anonymously. Whistle-blower protections wouldn’t mean much at that company. It would make sense that, had a real person found these files, they would have felt unsafe using company channels to report the abuse.”

    Chantal extracted the drive from her bra and placed it in a drawer in her desk. “I’ll need to think about how to best use this.”

    “I wanted to thank you,” said Luc.

    “For what?”

    “I never did one of these hauntings with a consultant before. Much better results in my view. It seems I can learn. Slowly. You, however, adapt and how! Most people would have not been able to cope with this, let alone roll with it.” He pointed at his increasingly skeletal appearance.

    “Who were you, really?” ask Chantal.

    “I flat out refuse to answer because I don’t want to be defined by my past. Sorry.”

    “I get it,” said Chantal. “Will you find peace?”

    Luc shrugged. Then he started to turn into what momentarily looked like snowflakes, which rapidly turned to liquid, and then to steam. Chantal was alone. She looked around. The Christmas lights were blinking in her apartment – the lights she had not put up. Returning her attention to the desk, she opened the drawer and saw the USB drive resting where she put it. Not a hallucination.

    She picked up her phone and dialled her brother.

    “Guillaume? Comment vas-tu?”

    Her brother said he was good.

    “Bon. Puis-je venir chez toi pour Noël?”

    “Bien sûr!”

    “D’accord. À demain!”

    After tonight, Chantal felt certain that being home alone for Christmas would be a bad idea.

    Resources and References

  • 2023: The Ghost of Probabilities

    2023: The Ghost of Probabilities

    Christmas Story 2023
    The Ghost of Probabilities

    By Robert Ford

    Download the PDF

    December 23, 2023 – 6 PM

    The guy who said he was a ghost told me that you didn’t have to be actually dead for the job. Nearly dead would do.

    It’s not only that I was skeptical, but I also knew I was on hydromorphone and other drugs whose names ended in the syllable ‘doan’.

    “You have the ability,” I said, “to let me become a ghost so I can haunt people on Christmas.”

    “Yes, well, no, well, kind of,” he said. “‘Haunt’ has a really negative connotation to it.”

    “Then,” I continued, “after I haunt them, I come back to this hospital bed and die.”

    “Pretty much.”

    I felt pretty clear-headed for a guy in my condition. Therefore, I thought I should lean into the details. I had that feeling – when you are all drugged up from illness – where people are present, but you aren’t really looking at them. This fellow …

    “Hey, what’s your name?”

    “Matthew,” he said.

    This fellow, Matthew, looked like he should have a winter coat. He was in dress shirt, no tie, jeans, and the shoes were lace up walking shoes. I looked around and could not see a coat. Last I checked it was winter.

    “Can I call you Matt?” I asked.

    “No,” he said. Seriously straight-forward white guy. For a ghost.

    “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You’re going to pull me out of my body, set me up with a fresh one, give me the ability to travel in time, and then point me at someone you think needs a spiritual kick-in-the-pants.”

    “That’s about right.”

    “How does the time travel stuff work?”

    “You can wind back probability to the point you want, and observe it move forward.”

    “If this is the way Scrooge worked …”

    Matthew interrupted: “You mean Dickens’ A Christmas Carol?”

    “Yes, of course. Anyway, I always thought there was the ghost that went into the past, but really the present and future ghosts were both looking forward.”

    “They were the same ghost.”

    “What?”

    “They were the same ghost. Dickens took liberties. Marley would have been distinct, but one entity represented the ghosts of the past, present and future. Or, for fussy-pants like you, past, near-future, future.”

    “I don’t want to be all suspicious, but how do I know you’re a ghost? You could be a hallucination brought on by alcohol … or in my case a lot of opiates.”

    “You just paraphrased Frank Cross from Scrooged.”

    “Yes, I did.”

    “OK,” said Matthew, “When you are a ghost doing this kind of work, you have access to the mind and history of those around you. Especially if you touch them.”

    “Really.”

    “Yes. For example, every time you move in your hospital bed, and your IV lines move, you hear Thomas Dolby’s lyrics:

            I don’t believe it, there she goes again
            She’s tidied up and I can’t find anything
            All my tubes and wires and careful notes
            And antiquated notions

    “Wow. That’s good.”

    “I also can change appearance.”

    Suddenly Matthew had a skull for a face.

    “Whoa,” I said.

    Then he was a woman, who looked like a South Asian Angelina Jolie. Then he was back to his original appearance.

    “I’m on death’s door. What motivation do I have to do this job? I assume there’s no pay.”

    “Correct,” said Matthew, “The rewards of virtual are largely spiritual.”

    That sounded familiar. I paused.

    “Hey,” I said, “you just quoted something from Blackadder’s Christmas Carol.”

    “Yes,” he said. “I most certainly did.”

    Any more drôle and this guy would be as funny as a French-English dictionary.

    “Let’s assume I’m interested in the gig. I’m curious; aren’t there a lot of actual dead guys who could help you?”

    “Well, most dead people are pretty serene. They see such a big picture of the universe that they lose their interest in engaging. Nearly dead people – like you – have much more vigour. Relatively speaking.”

    “So, who’s the target?” I asked. “You’re the Marley of this scenario, you must have a specific person in mind.”

    “His name is Dennis. He’s a Financial Advisor.”

    “You mean the guy who tells you to buy low and sell high and then charges a fee?”

    “Pretty much. He’s stuck. And the poison in his mind is going to kill him before long if he doesn’t change. He’s also the most stubborn mule of a human being I’ve ever known.”

    This was the first hint that I had that Matthew had feelings in the game. He really cared about this Dennis guy.

    “I have one last question. Why choose me from among the many, many nearly dead people at your disposal?”

    “For the same reason you noticed I care about Dennis. I’ll see you tomorrow around 8 PM.”

    And with that casual “see-ya-at-work-eh” remark he was gone.

    I was still betting on this being a drug induced hallucination.

    December 24, 2023 – 8:30 PM

    I sent the family off to church and asked them to record the hymns. The choir at St. Bart’s did an awesome job of the classic hymns and I loved the descants.

    My eldest – at 17 – told me not to die on Christmas Eve because that would be too depressing. Teenaged bluntness incarnate. As usual, his Mom and younger sisters were appalled with him. I said I’d try to wait until Boxing Day.

    Not long after they had headed out, Matthew reappeared, looking more dour than usual.

    “Is it time?” I asked.

    “Yes,” he said, “I’ve seen Dennis. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking this on.”

    “Did you do the whole you’re-gonna-get-visited-by-three-ghosts thing?”

    I started humming the Ghostbusters theme.

    Matthew allowed himself a smile. “I only told him one. At this point he’s beginning to wish he had some sort of addiction or other ailment to explain me scaring him.”

    “Obviously,” I said, “I’m not getting out of this bed on my own. How does this work?”

    “Yeah, about that. As soon as I touch you, you will rise from your bed and be able to manipulate the probabilities that control time and space. Your access to information about what’s happened, and what might happen, will be overwhelming. I suggest orienting yourself for a half hour or so before going to Dennis’s place. You’ll have about six hours real time to try to help him.”

    “How far back in time can I go?”

    “Best to keep it to 90-100 years. Things become weird when you are much further back than your parents’ age.”

    “Where does Dennis live?”

    “You’ll know as soon as I touch you.”

    And he did.

    And my mind exploded.

    And it coalesced back to something like me.

    Matthew was gone.

    I stood. And when I looked at the hospital bed, I was still in bed. Asleep, it seemed. Jesus, I looked terrible. I walked to a mirror and I saw a reflection of me that was a normal pre cancer appearance. I guess that’s where I’d rather be. Then I started to roll myself backward. I stopped when I reached about age 20. Then I rolled forward. Huh. When I stopped at about 58, pre cancer, I realized I looked like some of my older relatives. All of whom were gone.

    I knew where Dennis lived. Did I have to take a taxi or ride share? Hopefully not! I took a chance and let myself float down to the main floor of the hospital.

    It seemed that the bending of probability allowed me to be highly maneuverable.

    On the street, no one saw me. The cold air and the dusting of snow had no effect on me. It was as if I were in a room set to a perfect temperature. I walked away from Vancouver General Hospital in the direction of where Dennis lived in the West End.

    It was wonderful to feel able-bodied, even though I suspected I wasn’t really in a body. Could I materialize and affect things? I reached a red light and stopped. There was a couple holding hands. I focused on them and touched them each on a shoulder. They jumped. Then I suddenly knew everything about them. Where they met. First date. The fact his dad was a real piece of work. Even how much cash they had in their wallets. Matthew was right – overwhelming. I decided to fade out.

    “Did you see that?” he said.

    “Did you feel that?” she said.

    At least they’d have a shared Christmas ghost story.

    Because I’m a nerd, I simulated the transporter appearance (classic Trek of course) and I shimmered into existence in Dennis’s apartment.

    Dennis stared at me. “Serious-fucking-ly?”

    “Dennis! How are you?”

    I figured he probably wasn’t a hugger, so I gave him a big hug and everything about him flooded into me.

    He was tall, skinny and had a cheap hair cut. That was what I could see. It was going to take a couple of minutes to decide what to do with all the other information that I had in my head.

    “I’d say this was a nice apartment, but when did you last spend a dime on furniture or paint?”

    “You’re the ghost.”

    “I’m not the pizza man.”

    “You got a name?”

    “Yes. It’s Ghost.”

    “This is pointless, right? You know that.”

    “Maybe, but – gosh – why don’t we have some fun with the time we have? And honour your friend Matthew. His soul needs some rest.”

    Now that I had Dennis’s history sorted out in my head, I knew why Matthew needed rest.

    “I’ve seen this movie,” said Dennis. “Can we skip it?”

    “Nope.” I grabbed his wrist and we beamed to 1984.

    December 23, 1984 – 12:45 AM

    It was dark in the house. I gestured for Dennis to shhh even though it was unnecessary. We walked up stairs in the dim light and into a bedroom.

    “Is this … ” Dennis started.

    “Careful. You’ll wake the baby.”

    A baby started crying.

    A man wearily rose from the bed beside the crib and carefully took the baby boy out and rocked him for a few minutes. Dennis looked at the man in disbelief. I reckon Dennis assumed this would all be some kind of mind game and not actual time travel. It didn’t take long for Dennis to realize this was his father and that the baby was Baby Dennis.

    The baby settled and Dad put Baby Dennis back in the crib. Not ten seconds later the baby cried out once more. Dad clenched his fists and pressed them hard against his temples. His frustration evident, he smacked Baby Dennis while he lay in his crib. Predictably, the crying intensified. Dennis’s father picked the baby up and muttered, “I’m so sorry” over and over with tears running down his face. He took the baby with him to bed and let the child settle beside him.

    “Where is my mother?” whispered Dennis.

    “No need to whisper,” I said, “they can’t hear us. However, to answer your question, we don’t have to go far.”

    I manipulated our location slightly so that we landed in the bar of the local Holiday Inn. Dennis’s Mom was sitting at a table with three men. She was laughing uproariously at the jokes of the younger, better looking of the three guys. Under the table she had gently placed her foot top of his.

    “Jesus,” said Dennis. “Are we at the same time as a second ago?”

    “Oh yeah.”

    “I can’t tell how much of her is alcohol as opposed to insanity.”

    “Well, in 2023, I think we say that substance abuse disorders and mental illnesses frequently co-exist.”

    I let us linger a little longer so that Dennis knew for sure that his Mom was ardently hitting on her favoured man at the table.

    “How’re you feeling?” I asked.

    “How the fuck did I not know about this?”

    “Dude, you were a baby. Now, unless you really want to watch your Mom – she’s pretty hot I must say – get it on with this guy, I’d like to take you to a doctor’s office.”

    “Yes, thank you, anywhere,” said Dennis.

    I manipulated our location again to land in Dennis’s family doctor’s office. I was keen to see if this was going to work. I figured that since the probability was literally zero that anyone would catch us, I hoped the filing drawers would be accessible to us.

    Dennis looked around. “Is this … “

    “Yes, it’s where you had your checkups as a kid.”

    “The doctor was always really nice to me.”

    “Maybe because he knew what you were up against.” I handed him his mother’s rather thick medical file. We leafed through it together.

    “Jeez,” I said, “this doctor was old even for the 80s. He was still calling it ‘baby blues’ months after you were born.”

    “And,” said Dennis, “he’s written ‘manic depressive’ several times. Isn’t that bipolar disorder?”

    “Yes,” I said, “it is … and your Mom had a doozy of a case of it.”

    “Jesus fucking Christ look at the drugs they were giving her.”

    “Hmmm,” I said. “I’m surprised she could stand upright and form a sentence.”

    “And I knew jack shit about this,” Dennis said.

    “And, with your father, there’s more jack shit later that you knew nothing about.”

    We put away the files. I wound us forward about 15 years to another middle-of-the-night raid of the doctor’s office. His mother’s file had expanded into three large files and his father’s file went from a slim one to one much thicker. We flipped open the file and the words “hypertrophic cardiomyopathy” appeared.

    “What is that?” Dennis asked.

    I felt like a Jeopardy champ or a walking search engine. “It’s an inherited form of heart disease. The good news (for you) is that it’s treatable. The bad news (for your Dad) is the one drug for it isn’t available until 2022. It’s about 1998 right now.”

    We put away the files.

    “To complete the survey of your childhood horrors, we’ve got one more location.”

    December 20, 1999 – 2 AM

    We were sitting in the back of a car. Dennis’s Dad was driving and his Mom was in the passenger seat.

    Dennis started to panic. “No. Not here.”

    He was trying to undo his seatbelt, but I made sure it would not undo.

    “Shut up and listen. This isn’t about you experiencing what you think you know, but rather learning something new.”

    Dad held Mom’s hand tightly and said, “This damn heart thing is getting worse. I won’t be able to take care of you.”

    “I know,” she said. “I feel so bad for you. So unfair. Both having to look out for me and having a heart condition.”

    “Fucking genetics.”

    They were both silently crying – tears streamed down their faces.

    “And,” she continued, “I hate what I am. It just gets worse.”

    The car was on rural Westside Road along Lake Okanagan. The twinkling lights across the lake beckoned to them, but they weren’t looking.

    “It’s OK we go together, right?” he said.

    “Yes. What about Dennis?”

    “He’s a strong, smart kid. And your sister loves him.”

    She nodded.

    Dennis’s Dad checked his mirrors. There was no one around. He gunned it, made a hard right. The limited barriers on the shoulder did little to slow down the car as it went down toward the edge, over the cliff and into the lake.

    Dennis screamed. “Make this stop!”

    “We are here for the whole ride, pal,” I said.

    The car hit the water and sank quickly. As the interior flooded, Dennis struggled. Once the water got up to our noses, I made my next move.

    December 24, 2023 – 9:30 PM

    We were back at Dennis’s apartment in real time. I figured he’d need a break. He seemed surprised that he wasn’t soaking wet, but that didn’t stop him from throwing up in the bathroom.

    I poured him a glass of water.

    “Are we done?” he asked.

    “Hell no, buddy,” I said. “There are more gaps in your knowledge to plug.”

    “They told me they died in an accident.”

    “Accidently-on-purpose, sure. Come on, do you think they were going to tell you – a teenager – something else? Not without proof. They left no note. Insurance back then wasn’t so forgiving.”

    The look on Dennis’s face told me he’d rather suck rotten eggs before seeing more. Stubborn for sure.

    “Let’s go for a coffee.” I grabbed him by the arm.

    December 18, 2006 – 8:45 AM

    There were still two Starbucks at Robson and Thurlow at this time and it was important we went to the one on the northeast corner.

    Dennis was looking suspiciously at me.

    “What? I’m dying for a Christmas Blend.”

    It was busy as there were a lot of office workers around. Instinctively we crossed when the light changed and avoided people, but one guy managed to bump into my shoulder. I was quite surprised, as was he. I didn’t know him. He looked my way, not seeing me. But, it seemed, for a moment, I interacted with this point in time, 17 years earlier.

    We entered the Starbucks. Maybe I could get a coffee. But that’s not why we were here. In line was Dennis 2006. Who looked a lot like Dennis 2023. We watched as younger Dennis deliberately manipulated the line by letting people in, and timing it so that he would be served by one particular lady. Her name was Soo-jin, which she often shortened to Sue for the convenience of thick white people.

    “Remember her?” I asked. I knew he did. She was objectively beautiful and seemed like a nice person.

    Dennis glared at me. We were in line right behind Dennis 2006 and he chatted with her. This was probably the 90th time he’d spoken to her. Then I focused as hard as possible and ordered a coffee. I had to conjure a twoonie but it worked. Sue did not see Dennis 2023.

    We stepped back outside, and I sipped the coffee. It was glorious. But, I relaxed, and the cup fell from my hand and landed on the ground.

    “I thought we shouldn’t be able to interact with the past,” said Dennis.

    “Me too. Most curious. Anyway, tell me about Sue. Why did you not try to connect properly with her? Even as a friend.”

    “I thought you knew everything.”

    “I know facts, places, events, but how you feel is a fact known only to you.”

    “I wasn’t good enough for her.”

    “Huh. If you say so. Time to go to the office.”

    December 21, 2009 – 8:15 PM

    I changed our location to the office that Dennis had shared with Matthew. They were partners in a Wealth Management company that had done OK during the 2008 crash. This was due to Dennis’s technical expertise coupled with Matthew’s winning way with clients, a skillset I had not observed at my hospital bedside.

    We watched Dennis 2009 pack up and leave the office.

    A couple of minutes passed. Dennis said, “Why are we in my old empty office?”

    “Patience you must have my young Padawan. Besides, I’m feeling like I could physically manipulate things here. It’s an odd sensation. Anyway, let’s say you were going to change some of your clients’ assets around to have a long term look on say, industrial safety, site remediation, contamination control … that kind of thing … what would you change in their holdings?”

    “Are you asking me to manipulate the stock market?”

    “Kind of. The trick would be to use your discretionary latitude to move around assets so that the clients – in a dozen years or so – would be just as fabulously wealthy, but none the wiser that they contributed to environmental safety.”

    “When did you become an investing guru?”

    “The second after I hugged you.”

    “What’s in this for you? Is this altruistic or enlightened self-interest?” Dennis looked at me with a most serious expression. He took his fiduciary duties quite seriously.

    “Both or none of the above,” I said. “The only way I seem to be able to be physically coherent in the past is if my actions are well below some threshold of probable, immediate deviation from what happened.”

    “OK,” Dennis said, “let’s manipulate some accounts. There are a couple of clients I know for sure – despite my discretionary trading privileges – would definitely notice.” He proceeded to tell me how to log into the systems and set up trades for the next trading date.

    We finished setting up the trades and then heard the door to the office open.

    Dennis looked at the clock. It was late. No one should be in the office.

    Matthew 2009 stepped into the office. He called out for Dennis and made sure there was no one (but us spectres) in the office.

    Matthew powered up his computer.

    Dennis peered over his business partner’s shoulder. Matthew was logging into a completely different set of trading platforms through an offshore VPN and Tor browser. He conducted foreign currency exchanges and was following instructions through an anonymous online chat account.

    “No, no, no,” said Dennis.

    “What’s Matthew doing?” I asked. (I knew what he was doing but I wanted to see how Dennis would react.)

    “He’s doing off the books foreign currency trading for someone … unknown.”

    “So?”

    “This is likely to be money laundering.”

    The online chat ended with a couple of numeric codes. Matthew wrote them down and then powered off his computer. We followed him out of the office and he took public transit to Waterfront Station where there was a 24-hour locker and convenience store.

    Matthew punched the codes into a locker. Inside was a 6×9 envelope. He took it and then continued home. Inside, Matthew said hi to his wife.

    “Come watch Christmas movies with me and the baby!” she said. Matthew replied he would in a minute.

    Upstairs, built into the wall, was a hidden safe. He took cash from the envelope, kept $100 for himself and locked the rest away.

    “Fuck,” said Dennis. “What the fuck?”

    “You want to find out what Matthew got himself into?”

    “No,” Dennis said. “Fuck. Yes.”

    March 30, 2020 – 11:20 PM

    We were back in the office, but 11 years ahead. Matthew was there alone. A long online chat was visible. The discussion was going in circles. Matthew’s mysterious client was demanding money. Matthew kept repeating that the COVID crash had blown up the markets. Currency or otherwise.

    We know where you and your family live.

    “You haven’t given me enough information,” Dennis said. “Who the hell are these guys?”

    “Matthew didn’t realize it at first,” I said, “but he’s been laundering money for intermediaries that provide financing for terrorists.”

    “Why? Why would do he this? Why didn’t he tell me?”

    “He figured it was at first harmless, then got accustomed to the money – most of which is still in that safe – and that he felt he could be as clever as you.”

    “So, this is my fault?”

    “No, it’s not your fault. But I bet that doesn’t make you feel any better.”

    Matthew logged off the system. He spent a few minutes deleting files from his computer and then set up the chair and rope to hang himself. It was evident that he’d been planning this for a while.

    “I don’t want to see this.”

    “No one does. But he was your friend. Your only friend. A friend whose suicidal state of mind was invisible to you.

    Dennis leapt at Matthew to try to tackle him to the ground. No effect, of course. The probability of us being here was zero.

    It felt like forever, but Matthew was gone in 15 seconds.

    I took us back to Dennis’s apartment in real time.

    December 24, 2023 – 10:30 PM

    Dennis, understandably, was a mess. He sobbed, letting out years of stress and regret.

    “Why are you still here?” he said. “Haven’t you done enough?”

    “No, not yet,” I said. “Your apartment still looks like shit. You need a nap.”

    “What?”

    I tapped Dennis on the forehead, and he then mechanically walked over to his living room couch, lied down, and passed out. In my view, he needed the break. Plus, I really had to do something with this apartment. It was bumming me out.

    December 25, 2023 – 12:02 AM

    I kicked Dennis’s leg to wake him up. “Merry Christmas.”

    Dennis glared at me. “My nightmare continues,” he said.

    But then he looked around the apartment. I had managed to manipulate probability, matter, time and space sufficiently to decorate a little. His walls still needed paint. But he had some lights in the apartment window and a few decorations hanging. I managed to conjure a small tree that was sitting on his kitchen counter.

    “You kept busy,” Dennis said.

    “I couldn’t get someone to paint the walls. Much to my annoyance,” I replied. “We are going to take a quick journey through Christmas Day based on what will happen if things remain the same. Or, in your case, do the same whole lot of nothing that you normally do.”

    I beamed us a few hours ahead to when Matthew’s family were preparing for Christmas. Matthew had two kids who were now 12 and 10. Their Aunt (Mom’s sister) had presents and, despite the two children’s clear signs of depression, they persevered.

    “These kids were younger than you when their father died. They know he died by suicide, unlike you.”

    Dennis said nothing.

    “You know what they’re missing, apart from their dad?”

    Dennis shook his head.

    “You.”

    “What?”

    “Yeah. You. The last time you saw them was the funeral. You could have sent presents at Christmas or visited or played Mario Kart or something.”

    “I assumed they blamed me or associated me with his death.”

    “Maybe, but Matthew was your friend. You should have been the good family friend who played the role of the cool Uncle. Anyway, we have another person to visit.”

    I beamed us into an apartment in Burnaby that Dennis did not recognize.

    We could hear a couple arguing. It was around noon on Christmas Day. As we entered the kitchen, we saw a man yelling at and hitting Soo-jin. Dennis recoiled.

    The argument was about how she didn’t respect him.

    “According to Statistics Canada,” I said “in 2021, the police reported 114,132 victims of intimate partner violence. I wonder how many more there are like this one … that won’t be reported.”

    Soo-jin left the kitchen holding her face. Her partner opened another beer.

    Dennis’s expression was inscrutable.

    “Are you blaming the victim?” I asked.

    “What?”

    “You know that most men think that the woman must have done something bad to set the guy off.”

    “That’s insane.”

    “Of course it is. Speaking of insane,” I asked, “do you still think you weren’t good enough for her?”

    Dennis looked like he was going to spit acid at me strong enough to burn through the ship’s hull.

    “Let’s take your mind off this situation and wind forward a few years.”

    December 21, 2028 – 1 PM

    We were outside Matthew’s home again. But it had a real estate sign with a SOLD on it.

    “What happened?”

    “It’s 2028, they had to sell. Matthew’s wife couldn’t pay the taxes and upkeep. She moved to the Interior to be closer to her sister.”

    I zoomed us inside to the master bedroom. In the wall, the safe was still hidden. I did a bit of magic and made the wall translucent. In the wall you could see the hidden stacks of cash.

    “The new owner is planning renos,” I said, “and will be in for a happy surprise.”

    “Jesus. Why didn’t Matthew tell anyone about the safe? Leave a note?”

    “A paper trail like that would have led the bad guys to his family. He was hoping your wife would stumble onto it in due course.”

    “She wouldn’t know how to deal with the money without setting off alarms with the regulators. They call it ‘unusual financial transaction alerts’.”

    “True. But you could help her.”

    “That’s going to be interesting. ‘Hey Maureen. Your dumb ass husband kept cash in a safe that he earned helping money launderers. Let me help you, uh … launder it.’”

    “I’m sure you’ll come up with a better way of expressing it. Let’s move on.”

    December 28, 2028 – 2:15 AM

    I took us back to Soo-jin’s apartment. It was now a crime scene. The police had not been there long. We walked in and came across Soo-jin’s common law spouse. It was truly unpleasant. He had shot himself in the head while sitting at the kitchen table.

    In the bedroom the police were taking crime scene photos of Soo-jin’s body, which had been stabbed multiple times. The bed was awash with blood.

    Dennis was very, very pale and silent.

    “Don’t you hate it when the murderer in the murder-suicide scenario doesn’t do the suicide part first?”

    Dennis did not appreciate my dark humour.

    “Don’t worry buddy, only one more stop.”

    December 28, 2028 – 3 PM

    We were in a palliative care hospice.

    In a bed was Dennis 2028 version.

    “What’s my deal here?” asked Dennis.

    “By 2026, you developed an immune disorder called vasculitis. Normally it’s manageable but, in your case, it’s severe. And fatal. There are studies that say it’s triggered and made worse by stress.”

    “I don’t have a stressful life.”

    “Dude. You don’t have a life. Your business partner offed himself and you have no one. Look around. There’s no one here. Stress exists when there is no joy. You kept working by yourself after Matthew died.”

    “I want to go home. To my apartment. My time. I need to think.”

    I beamed him to his apartment to be alone.

    December 25, 2023 – 2:20 AM

    As far as I was concerned, my mission was done. Dennis was going to do what he was going to do. I had given him knowledge for Christmas. (Although I think he’d have preferred socks.) I couldn’t know if this gift would morph into insight.

    I found myself on the streets of the West End. Remarkably, for Vancouver, a little bit of snow was sticking to the edges of the sidewalks and grassy areas. I started walking back to VGH. I was going to end up in that hospital bed eventually.

    I preferred the view over the Burrard Bridge compared to the Granville Bridge, which was still in the midst of being upgraded. I wondered if I’d remember this later. It would be a good tale to tell the family. Even if they didn’t believe a word of it.

    There wasn’t much traffic. I was so used to being invisible that I wasn’t even paying attention to the cars. I stepped across Burrard Street at about 11th Ave, and I heard the car horns.

    December 25, 2023 – 11 AM

    I awoke with a start. I was back in hospital and my 17-year-old son was sitting in a chair beside me doing something with his phone.

    “Hey. You’re awake,” he said.

    “What day is it?” I asked.

    “Why, it’s Christmas Day,” he replied with his best faux Victorian English accent.

    I moved suddenly and it really hurt. This made me notice that my arm was in a cast. Along with my legs.

    “What happened?”

    “Um, Dad, you walked in front of a bus.”

    “When?”

    “Two days ago.”

    “What about the cancer?”

    My son looked at me as if I had totally lost my mind. “What cancer? You broke a lot of bones being inattentive. They said you hadn’t hit your head.”

    “I was convinced that I was dying of cancer caused by contaminants including, but not limited to, trichloroethylene and asbestos.”

    “If you’re going to talk like this, you’re going to scare the crap out of Mom and The Sisters.”

    I felt very different, but my son was following his usual habit of referring to his two younger sisters as if they were the Three Sisters from Macbeth. The dilemma I faced was that if I talked to anyone about what I think happened to me, they’d send me to more psychologists than there are flakes in a box of corn flakes. I was going to have to do my own research – a horrifying phrase these days. First on the list was to figure out how badly banged up I was.

    Epilogue
    June 24, 2024 – 11 AM

    I was using only one cane that day. I had just walked a full 2 km and reached my destination: the local Starbucks. I bought my coffee and took a well-earned seat. The physical therapy from my accident continued to be intense. I preferred the endless physio over the cancer I had been battling. The cancer that had either been a hallucination or erased due to me messing with time.

    I heard a familiar voice behind me. “Happy halfway to Christmas.”

    “Dennis?”

    “In the flesh. As are you, Ghost.”

    He still wasn’t great with hugs, but I hugged him. Parent thing.

    “I thought I was insane,” I said. “I woke up to this” – I raised my cane – “instead of imminent death.”

    “I’m not offended,” Dennis asked, “but, why didn’t you come looking for me?”

    “The combination of unending physical therapy and fear. You could have been real or not … both with potentially mentally distressing outcomes. Plus, I put you through the wringer.”

    “That you did. And I deserved it. Needed it, in fact.”

    “How did you find me?”

    “Matthew told me who you were when he haunted me.”

    “Sneaky bastard. May I ask what you did last Christmas Day, really?”

    “Well, I went over to Matthew’s place and surprised his family with power tools that allowed me to extract his damn safe.”

    “Can I ask?”

    “Roughly 2 million Canadian in four different currencies.”

    “That’s a pretty good Christmas present.”

    “It came with a lot of tears. It’s also taking a long time to, er, tidy up.”

    “What about Soo-jin?”

    “That was much more difficult. I had to let Christmas Day happen. I could hardly burst in. However, I was able to arrange an anonymous domestic violence police report and bring in some experts to help her. Without having to admit my involvement. Oh, and the ex-partner has some serious legal problems. Funny, that.”

    “How is she doing now?”

    “She’s meeting us here. You can find out for yourself.”

    “Now that is a present worthy of 3-Days-After-Summer-Solstice. I almost want to throw down my cane and dance.”

    If you or anyone you know are struggling with domestic violence, these resources are available:
    BC Government Gender-based violence, sexual assault, and domestic violence

    To find resources for mental health issues, including feelings of self harm, please refer to:
    Canadian Mental Health Association Help in your Area

  • 2022: Four Heads are Better Than One

    2022: Four Heads are Better Than One

    Christmas Story 2022
    Four Heads are Better than One

    By Robert Ford

    Download the PDF

    March 21, 2042
    Metro Toronto Convention Centre

    “It turns out that time travel is more of a math problem than an engineering challenge.”

    Johnson Telgrave, PhD, MS, BEng
    Speaking at the 2042 IEEE International Physics Symposium


    December 24, 1978
    (past his bedtime)

    John was a little kid when he first saw the 1951 film version of A Christmas Carol.

    Wouldn’t it be cool, he thought, if you could travel backwards and forwards in time? What stops us from doing that? How could that work? What would it feel like?

    As all these thoughts flowed through his mind, his mother looked at him, worried. She assumed he was affected by the notion that Tiny Tim might not live.


    September 2021
    Brampton, Ontario, Canada

    “Vilcabamba,” that’s where we’ll go, said Cindy.

    COVID-19 restrictions in Canada were at their height and some felt that it was the start of the end. Specifically, personal freedoms were going to be squeezed gradually to nothing. Vaccines were going to be used to track them even more closely than with what they already volunteered through cell phone data.

    “Where is VilaLabamba?” asked Eric, her husband.

    “Vilcabamba. Ecuador,” said Cindy. “I’ve connected on Facebook with a group of people who have already moved there and another group who want to move there.”

    “Where in South America is Ecuador?” he asked.

    “It’s the west coast below Columbia and above Peru.”

    “Can we work there? I assume there’s beer.”

    “Yes,” Cindy sighed. “And yes.”

    What the hell, Eric thought, Why not?


    December 24, 2029
    Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

    John had a tradition of hanging out with friends on Christmas Eve and came home feeling relaxed and somewhat tipsy.

    He was surprised to find, sitting in his apartment, someone who looked like his older brother along with his former girlfriend, Janine, a psychologist. Since John didn’t have an older brother, this was a peculiar scene. Jeez; how much rum was in that egg nog?

    “Hey John,” said Janine. “This is John from the 2040s. We have some really important things to tell you.”

    “OK.” John 2029 was beginning the thought process of connecting this to the time travel math he was working on when Janine interrupted.

    “But, I have to hypnotize you first.”

    “Oh.”


    December 24, 2010
    Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

    After losing both his parents in the previous year, John was coming home slightly drunk from a gathering with friends – something he hoped would be a tradition, but maybe not quite as boozy.

    Once he fumbled with the lock enough to enter his apartment, he found a fellow that reminded him of his Great Uncle Charles (deceased). And, somehow more surprisingly, Janine, an ex-girlfriend from University.

    “Janine? What’s this? Who’s this guy?”

    “Hi,” said Janine, “Yeah. This guy is John from the 2040s.”

    “Like, the future?”

    “Yeah. We have to tell you stuff.”

    “Um,” John 2010 hiccupped. “Sure.”

    “We have to hypnotize you first.”

    “Whoa. Cool.”


    December 24, 1992
    Near Brockville, Ontario, Canada

    John and Janine were on the Via Rail morning train from Montreal to Toronto. They were returning home after visiting fellow grad students at McGill. They were due at their respective parents’ homes for Christmas.

    The Eastern Ontario countryside blurred by, looking rather white. Brockville station, where the train had a scheduled stop, was looking grey and bleak. The couple did not care. They held hands and were happy and content. Until the moment an older guy whacked John in the shoulder with his bag. It stung John’s shoulder – truly like a bee sting.

    “So sorry; I’m such a klutz!” said the retiree.

    “No problem,” said John. He was massaging his shoulder and didn’t look closely at the man. He noticed only a salt-and-pepper beard. The senior took a seat a couple of rows up. Soon John felt very drowsy and fell asleep.

    Janine was frowning with a combination of confusion and annoyance when the retiree tapped her on her shoulder.

    “Hi Janine. Sorry to intrude. My name is Johnson Telgrave from the 2040s. If memory serves, you’ve completed your hypnotherapy training, right?”

    Janine looked at John, still asleep, and then back at future John. And then back to John 1992 and then back at future John. This repeated several times.

    “What the fuck,” she said.


    January 6, 2022
    (also known as Epiphany)
    Vilcabamba, Ecuador

    Cindy and Eric were both feeling relief and joy when their container of goods was finally unloaded at their shared house rental. Neighbours helped unload and, with the persistent spring-like weather of the region, they felt comfortable, with a sense of “at home.” This feeling persisted despite a limited grasp of Spanish and not being truly sure how they were going to make it from their late 50s into retirement and, eventually, their dotage.

    During the unpacking, an American named Lonny arrived. He said he lived a couple of streets down. He shook their hands rigorously and spoke of the wonders of living in Vilcabamba. From him Eric picked up the vibe of a real estate guy, and Cindy interpreted the vibe as a signal Lonny was interested in seeing if she were sexually available despite her married status.

    Either way, they both went to bed with a slight fever, but felt reasonably normal the next day.


    May 18, 2022
    Vilcabamba, Sendero Ecológico (eco walk)

    After months of settling in, sorting out employment, and fixing up their part of the house, Cindy and Eric were feeling energized for a local hike.

    They made all the usual mistakes people new to this sort of thing make. They didn’t leave specific travel plans with anyone. They didn’t pack enough spare clothes. They started late in the day. But they did have water.

    The first problem they encountered was that the trails were not well marked for those new to the area. The second problem was that they underestimated how long the trail would take to cover and, subsequently, darkness started to fall – when they were off trail. During their stumbling efforts through the brush, they crossed paths with some Lesser Bulldog Bats. These normally insectivorous bats broke habit and took bites of the people who blundered in the middle of their flight path from vegetation to water.

    Cindy and Eric spent a miserable night off the trail. When the sun came up, it was easy to navigate back. They were weary, bitten, and annoyed with each other.

    Cindy’s hand-written journal included this entry.

    Worst night of my life. I swear we are the dumbest two gringos in the whole town. Who knows what else apart from the damn bats that bit us. This is not a story I’m willing to share with the neighbours. I guess, technically, we should go to the doctor. We’ll wait a day and see if we’re feeling OK. So embarrassing.


    November 10, 2022
    Near Vishut, Ecuador

    There was a fiery crash on the Troncal de la Sierra (E35) highway. Alzono “Lonny” Estevez, an American citizen was identified through DNA and dental records as the only victim. The cause of the crash was never determined.

    In Loja, Ecuador, two other American citizens perished in a house fire. The cause of the fire was never determined.

    At the border with Peru, near the town of La Balza, two German nationals were shot to death while crossing from Ecuador to Peru. They were accused of being drug runners. The EU and the German national government had no comment.

    That same week in Vilcabamba itself, there were three deaths in bathtubs that were deemed accidental. In addition, two other local expats – originally from the UK – went missing on a hike, never to be found.

    A Swedish couple perished in a light aircraft accident on November 15.

    It had not been a good week for foreigners in Ecuador.


    June 21, 2042
    Vilcabamba, Ecuador
    Truchas Del Salado

    Johnson “John” Telgrave sat at the outside bar with his wife, Janine. He was 72; she was 70 and they would have appeared to their grandparents like classic aging hippies. They had many reasons to choose this place for the meeting. It was not in the centre of Vilcabamba, where they might be noticed. It had good food. And the restaurant’s name translated to “Salted Trout,” which was memorable and funny to John.

    With their location being only 4 degrees south of the equator, the solstice had little effect and therefore meaning. They had both grown up in the northern hemisphere and there was so much emphasis placed on the solstice. Geography matters, John thought.

    “Do you think they’ll make it?” asked Janine.

    “At least two of them better have. Or this is going to be a lot harder to pull off.”

    The first to arrive was John 2012. “You,” he said. It sounded like an accusation. John 2012 looked nauseous, as one should after a time jump and a bumpy taxi ride.

    “Us, I suppose,” said John 2042.

    “Janine?” John 2012 walked past his older version and hugged her.

    “Yes, it’s me.”

    “This is messed up. My head feels messed up.”

    “It will be OK; we have to wait for the others.”

    John 2031 was next. His tech was better than John 2012’s; he’d landed closer to the destination and was in better shape, at least physically.

    “I wasn’t expecting two of you. Or, us,” he said.

    “Good to meet you,” said John 2042. He shook his younger self’s hand.

    “You’re from … 2031?” asked John 2042

    “Yes,”

    “This one,” the eldest John said, “is John … what, 2012?” John 2012 nodded. He was still being aloof and suspicious.

    “Is that you, Janine?” said John 2031.

    She nodded.

    “Pardon me for saying, but you look exactly what I thought you’d look like at, what, 70?”

    “You’re too kind,” she said.

    “Um,” said John 2012, “just how many of us have you conjured up?”

    “There’s only one possible version remaining.”

    “Possible? From what year?” asked John 2012.

    “Roughly, about 1995.”

    “Are you kidding? He’s building this?” asked John 2012. He patted technology concealed under a light jacket, “with mid-90s parts? Good lord.”

    As if on cue, a young man carrying an obviously heavy pack, walked toward them. As he huffed and puffed, he said, “Oh wow. Doppelganger central.”

    “I am completely impressed you made it,” said John 2042. “What year?

    “1994. Do you have a place I can plug in? I don’t have much power remaining and I’m not sure what will happen if I run out of juice.”

    “I anticipated this problem. I have something better.” John 2042 pulled a small box out of his own back pack. He looked over John 1994’s equipment, found a way to have both plugged in at the same time.

    “You’re not going to switch him from his box to yours, are you?” asked John 2031.

    Each time traveller’s portable power system was required to conduct time travel jumps. In addition, it operated a special energy field to keep their atoms stable in the time period. There was also an added benefit of keeping foreign structures from entering or leaving their bodies.

    Every atom and molecule in the universe can exhibit vibrational, translational and rotational motion. They also have a time-and-space state (i.e. where and when information). Manipulating this state allows for time travel, but it also doesn’t allow molecules that never existed to be dropped off in the wrong time. For example, the SARS-CoV-2 virus didn’t exist in 1960. Therefore a time traveller from 2020 would not be able to pass the virus on. It would be disassembled once it hit the special energy field and broken into its constituent components. If enough of these kinds of molecules hit the field, little sparks could be seen.

    This allowed the time traveller to eat and go to the bathroom.

    The consequences of the power system failing were unclear, however.

    “He won’t be of any use lugging around his tech and needing to be plugged in every couple of hours,” said John 2042.

    “Did any of us do the math to figure out what would happen if our power systems failed?” asked John 1994.

    “Sometimes it’s best not to know,” said John 2012.

    With some anxiety, John 2042 switched over John 1994’s equipment.

    They all stared at him for a couple of minutes.

    John 2012 and John 2031 looked over the tech from 1994 with some amazement and awe.

    “OK,” said John 2042. “Phew. We have to order dinner; do some work; but, first, Janine has to undo some rather aggressive hypnosis.”

    Looking like three owls, the time travellers all turned simultaneously and stared at Janine.


     

    It took about 20 minutes each, but Janine was able to release their memories of being hypnotized and the information that was implanted. Primarily math formulas and techniques to help accelerate the discovery of time travel.

    John 1994 felt angry. Violated in a way. The other two felt relieved. The compulsion to work on the time travel project and arrive at this time and place had been cripplingly intense and now they felt free.

    Dinner was served and they started to work on the problem at hand. John 2042 explained that he had travelled about 10 years into the future to try to see how he could help in 2042. His thinking was climate change, but he discovered a world with a virus that drove people insane. The virus’s preferred method of transmission was biting. People would have COVID-19 style symptoms and, if that didn’t kill them, they would go into an uncontrolled rage and start biting people. Saliva to blood transmission was much more effective. For the virus.

    “This is zombie apocalypse shit,” said John 1994.

    “Yes, but without all the eating.”

    “Gross.”

    “Regardless,” said John 2042, “the source of the infection demonstrably comes back to here. There will be an exodus of expats who suddenly return home. And then all hell breaks loose.”

    “So, what does this have to do with us?” said John 2012.

    “Wait a minute,” said John 2031, “Didn’t Cindy and Eric move here in 2022?”

    “Bingo,” said John 2042. He turned his tablet computer around and showed a picture of Cindy and Eric. “This was taken last week.”

    “No way,” said John 2031. “They look the same as they did in 2022. This is 2042. They should be, well, old-ish – like you.”

    “Correct. But they aren’t.”

    “How?” asked John 2031. “You aren’t buying this crap that this is the “Valley of Longevity.”

    “No. Not naturally anyway,” said John 2042.

    “Who are Cindy and Eric?” asked Johns 2012 and 1994.

    “I introduced them to you guys around 2015,” said Janine.

    “We were talking then?” asked John 2012.

    “Can we stay on topic please?” said John 2042. “The facts are that these guys were infected with an experimental, artificial virus in 2022. They then were subsequently bitten by bats on a hike. The premise I wish to investigate is that the artificial and the bat viruses somehow mixed. I suspect these two will be patients 0 and 1.”

    “How the hell do you know they were bitten by bats and infected?” ask John 1994.

    “I, ah, broke into their house and read Cindy’s journals.”

    “She journals like crazy,” said Janine.

    “You broke into their house?” said Johns 2012 and 1994 simultaneously.

    “It’s OK. Janine was the lookout. It was nighttime. They were out. Apparently they’ve become rather, er, nocturnal,” said John 2042.

    “Yikes,” said John 2031.

    “But wait,” said John 2012. “How do you know they were infected by an artificial virus?”

    “There was a fellow named Lonny Estevez who was an American expat who was present in many people’s lives until late 2022.”

    “What happened to him?” asked John 2031.

    “Died in a fiery car crash. In fact, there was a rash of ‘accidents’ with expats between November 7 and 18 2022. Statistically, it was a huge anomaly.”

    “You invented time travel, travelled back in time to make us invent time travel faster,” said John 2012, “only for us to come here and help you prove some wild conspiracy theory.”

    “That’s intense,” said John 1994.

    “I mean, really,” said John 2031. I read about this place. It’s the home for people who fled countries to try to get away from conspiracies. This started when a National Geographic article talked about the longevity myth in 1973.”

    “If you compare conspiracy theories, which is easier to believe? 1. Bill Gates and the United Nations track every human on earth by an invisible injectable microchip (with an RFID tag and power supply) that could not fit in a syringe or … 2. that someone wanted to experiment on humans who self-selected by moving to a South American country with a fraction of the regulatory oversight of either North America or Europe?”

    “This may sound strange,” said John 2012, “but I know you well enough that you would not entertain this without proof.”

    “We’ll get proof,” said John 2042.

    “How?” said three men named John.

    “We need some of their blood.”


    June 22, 2042
    Vilcabamba, Ecuador

    Not far from Cindy’s house, John 2042 had rented an apartment. It was a tight fit, but all his time traveller selves took the time to sleep and rest.

    At dusk, Cindy left her house and headed out.

    John 1994 rode a bicycle in her direction, pretending to be intoxicated. As he approached Cindy he “lost control” of his bike and smashed into her. He held a Ninja claw rake, a kind of Japanese gardening tool. Its five points had been sharpened. He used it to lacerate her calf. He tossed it aside immediately. She was bleeding. And screaming.

    “Oh my god I’m so sorry!” John 1994 yelled.

    John 2012, wearing a ball cap to hide his face, ran up, saying, “¿Estás herido?

    When the hell did I learn Spanish? thought John 1994.

    John 2012 had two cloths to help with the bleeding and bagged one and tossed it aside.

    Cindy was screaming obscenities at John 1994.

    John 2012 noticed that the rather nasty cut on Cindy’s leg was healing as he watched. Who is she, goddamned Wolverine?

    She pushed John 2012, saying, “Get the hell off me!”

    It felt like he’d been pushed over by a 150-kg defensive end.

    Eric was coming down the street. He was walking fast, but his gait was somehow not normal. Clearly, he’d heard the commotion, but his eyes were like those of a person with the thousand-yard stare. Before John 2012 could sort out what he was observing, he saw Cindy lift John 1994 up by the shirt as if he were a toddler. Sparks were flying from his body; Cindy was discharging a boatload of molecular structures not found in 1994.

    John 2012 was about to render aid when Eric shoved him over as easily as a linebacker pushes over a 5-year-old. I hope I can stop feeling like a football soon. Where’s our backup?

    “Hey!” It was John 2031. Eric turned around and started to run at him.

    Off to one side, in a shadow, stood John 2042. He had a shotgun and fired on Eric. The blast caught Eric in the side. He grimaced and changed direction toward John 2042.

    Cindy dropped John 1994 and screamed. She sounded like a lost soul.

    Where the hell did the gun come from? wondered John 1994.

    John 2042 unleashed 3 more shells from his Brazilian-made Taurus ST 12.

    Eric finally stopped advancing but had not fallen. John 2031 finished him with a head shot using a Taurus PT911 semi automatic handgun.

    John 2012 threw up.

    Cindy charged toward John 2031, but John 2042 used his shotgun and John 2031 finished her with the handgun.

    “We have to move fast,” said John 2042. “Could you get brain and tissue samples and put them in these containers?” John 2031 took the sample kits and did the work. John 2042 stayed well back.

    A van pulled up. It was driven by Janine. She got out of the car and pulled out jerry cans of gasoline and said to Johns 1994 and 2012, “Guys, can you help pour this gasoline on the bodies? They’re a biohazard and we have to burn them right away.”

    “Obviously, we were left out of some of this plan,” said John 2012.

    “Yes,” she said, “We can explain later. But you saw all the sparks. These two are the start of a massive plague if we don’t do this.”

    Almost hypnotically, the two younger men poured the gasoline. They both noticed it did not smell like normal fuel. They assumed extra accelerants had been added.

    Keeping her distance, Janine tossed a lighter to them both. “Light them up, please.”

    They all piled in the van and drove away fast – blessedly before the smoke reached their noses.


     

    “To quote a Scottish friend of ours, Jesus suffering fuck, what was that?” said John 2012.

    The van was heading out of Vilcabamba as fast and as circuitously as Janine could drive.

    “If it makes you feel better, they were already dead,” said John 2042.

    “They looked pretty fucking alive up to the point where you shot them in the head,” said John 1994.

    “Only you three could be in close proximity with them. They were walking bags of virus. They were much further along than I thought.”

    John 2012 turned to John 2031 and said, “Since when did you, old John, conspire with really old John to become gun toting psychos?”

    “You haven’t experienced the COVID-19 pandemic yet. The idea of a designer virus combined with a bat-originating virus is absolutely horrifying.”

    “Plus, they’ve been effectively deceased for about two years,” said John 2042. “Cindy stopped journalling. At first, she was really enjoying her extended middle age, but then started to feel ill. Then her writing stopped, but her body kept moving.”

    “Couldn’t you have dragged somebody else into this?” asked John 1994.

    “As I said, only a time traveller could get close enough to them to safely take a sample. John 2031 and I were backup in case something odd happened. In case they were like what I saw in the future. Which, it turns out, they basically were.”

    The van pulled up to a cabin at the end of a dirt road.

    They all entered the cabin with Janine carrying the very well sealed sample kits.

    Solar battery lights came on, attempting to reduce the gloom.

    “I don’t know about you bunch,” said John 2012, “but I need a drink.”

    John 2042, slid a cooler out from under the table and said, “Help yourself.”

    The cooler was entirely filled with Pilsener.

    “What variety,” said John 1994, but it did not stop him from taking one.

    The five of them sat and silently drank their beer.

    “I’m assuming we go home,” said John 2012, “and I further assume you get arrested. Is this your plan?”

    “Janine has made arrangements to get the tissue samples to labs with the WHO and CDC. We can let them do their good work. However, we now have to undo our obvious paradoxes.”

    “Not liking the sound of this,” said John 2031. “I was imagining what it will be like when we go back and it was giving me a headache.”

    “Yes,” said John 2042. “About the going back part. At this stage I should confess I misled you. I allowed you all to think it was me that went into the past. It was me, but me two years from now me. Me in late stages of liver cancer. Modern treatment allowed me many years of extra life, but it all comes to an end. You see, John 2044 came back and explained what he’d done, and we hatched this plan.”

    Janine was starting to weep.

    “You see,” John 2042 continued, “With this last Pilsener, I downed an end-of-life pill.”

    “You fucking what?” said John 1994.

    “I haven’t had a drop to drink in years. It tasted really good.”

    “This means,” said John 2031, that your future self won’t go back in time and mess with us to invent time travel early.”

    “Precisely. And I avoid what I expect would have been a rather nasty death.”

    “What’s your theory on what happens to us?” asked John 2031.

    Janine was holding John 2042’s hand. Despite being in on the plan, her feelings of grief were nearly overwhelming. John 1994 moved to hold her other hand.

    “Well,” said John 2042, who was starting to sound drunk, “when the probability of me living drops to zero, your equipment will fail. Then your atoms will flip back to their regular space-time coordinates.”

    “You did do the math,” said John 2012.

    Moments later, Janine was left alone in a cabin with a dead man.


    December 24, 2029
    Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

    John had a tradition of hanging out with friends on Christmas Eve and came home feeling relaxed and somewhat tipsy.

    For a moment, he was sure that there were people in his apartment. He shook his head and figured that he should cut down on the booze.


    December 24, 2010
    Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

    After losing both his parents in the previous year, John was coming home slightly drunk from a gathering with friends – something he hoped would be a tradition, but maybe not quite as boozy.

    Once he fumbled with the lock enough to enter his apartment, he was sure there were two people there. But no, he was alone. OK, he thought, less of the sauce for me.


    December 24, 1992
    Near Brockville, Ontario, Canada

    John and Janine were on the Via Rail morning train from Montreal to Toronto. They were returning home after visiting fellow grad students at McGill. They were due at their respective parents’ homes for Christmas.

    A clumsy middle-aged man bumped John’s shoulder with his bag. He apologized and carried on to his seat. John clutched Janine’s hand tightly. He was suddenly overwhelmed by love for her. It was as if, for a second, his future life with her passed before his eyes and she would be with him until the end.

  • 2021: The Spectre, The Spook, The Scientist and The Storyteller

    2021: The Spectre, The Spook, The Scientist and The Storyteller

    Christmas 2021
    The Spectre, The Spook, The Scientist and The Storyteller

    By Robert Ford

    Download the PDF here

    December 21, 2021

    I am dead. It’s a literal condition and I accept it. What I don’t accept is that I’m done here.

    My favourite place to hang out is the Vancouver Police Department headquarters on Cambie Street. There’s always intensity there. And so much to learn. Interrogations are the most interesting. Those suspected of crimes try to lie, deflect, minimize or – with difficulty – stay silent.

    And one day there was a doctoral student. Renata. She was working on her PhD in Forensic Psychology, which most plain folks like me would call Criminal Psychology. She was tall, had jet black hair tightly tied back and her eyebrows looked a little long, but they were somehow perfect for her face. She wore a dark suit that was hiding a lovely figure. In an attempt to increase her Serious Scientist Look, she had black framed eye glasses. In my mind, this only served to increase her cuteness.

    Renata was sitting in the observers’ area of the main interrogation room. She was taking notes by hand as the rules about recording technology were strict. From what I could understand, she was looking for best practices in interviewing to obtain accurate information and to reduce bias. Renata was seeking ways for police to stop missing information due to either conscious or unconscious bias due to gender, race or religion. Her thinking was that bias in individual officers would vary, but the interview procedures could be bias free. She also had amassed data that showed bias in interviewing led to errors.

    I tended to move between the interview room and the observation room. I found myself drawn to her; she was a scientist first and foremost and would dismiss my existence unless provided with hard evidence. However, being in the interview room was powerful. The nerves of both the officer and suspect were always heightened, providing intense secondhand emotions.

    A new suspect was brought into the interview room by Constable Don Douglas. The charges were break-and-enter, but the police wanted to know if the suspect was responsible for other crimes.

    Inspector Hamel of Major Crimes entered the observers’ room.

    “Oh,” said Renata, “Good afternoon, Inspector.”

    “Don’t mind me,” he said, “I’m curious as to what you make of Constable Douglas.”

    They sat and watched as Douglas conducted the interview. Renata took notes furiously and she immediately noticed Douglas was almost bland in his manner. There was no edge, no discernible assumptions, just an even voice.

    I thought a couple of times I had thrown him off. He kept checking over his shoulder, looking where I was standing. Even when I moved, he kept looking my way. Some people are sensitive; some are not.

    In 30 minutes, he had elicited not so much a confession, but rather a story of the suspect’s own criminal activity as well as information about others that would later fill in the gaps in other investigations.

    “So, what do you think?” asked the Inspector.

    “He’s First Nations, right?” asked Renata.

    “Yes, he’s a member of the Stó:lō Nation; his band is in the Cultus Lake area.”

    “He’s probably the most natural interviewer I’ve ever seen.”

    “It’s about the story, both telling it and finding it,” said Inspector Hamel. “I wish I could teach more of my people his method. I’ve asked him to come talk to you afterward.”

    Constable Douglas and Renata spoke for about an hour. At the end, she gave him her contact info so that if he was going to do what he would consider a challenging interview or interrogation he could call her to observe.

    She left the police station, lost in thought, and walked east toward the SkyTrain station at Main Street. Being the longest night of the year, it was dark by the time she left, and I followed her, which is not normal for me. You see, ghosts frequently tether themselves to a place, but sometimes a person. I’ve not known of anyone switching before. Maybe this will be a first. I’m not supposed to be near women. But this one … she’s not like others.

    Instead of taking the bus, she decided to walk to the station. I followed, feeling a freedom like never before. I imagined it was how people felt after a long COVID lockdown.

    However, it wasn’t long before a guy started following her. He was clearly, mentally, a mess. He gradually accelerated and gained on her. There were a few other people around, but many were not paying attention. I moved close to him and could see he had a knife hidden under his coat sleeve. Renata was in imminent danger. My choices were limited. As far as I knew ghosts could take the poltergeist route, possess a body, or manifest corporeally.

    I was out of time. I walked straight into the man and imagined I was inside a human puppet. I had access to a whirlwind of hateful thoughts. But, despite my influence, he was still intent on harming Renata. She remained unaware of her impending assailant. At the point he’d pulled the knife, I focused on his locomotion, and directed his head into a light post. He was fighting me now. The *bung* noise alerted Renata and she turned around, saw the knife, and said, “What the fuck?”

    With the last of my effort, I slammed his head against the light post and down he/we went. He now had a concussion.

    Ever the scientist and criminologist, she took a photo of the prone figure with the knife in the place where it landed. Once documented, she moved the knife with her booted foot to a safe spot. The police arrived shortly – we were about a 3-minute walk from headquarters – and the officers identified the man as a person of interest in other assaults. They were perplexed that he’d knocked himself senseless before he could assault Renata.

    Kevin was a spy. One advantage of being a ghost is access to information. Once I meet people, I can learn things. But, at this point, I had not met him yet.

    At the time Renata was making her statement to police, Kevin was crossing the Canadian border from Washington State. His passport, driver’s license and credit card identified him as Dennis Jones of Everett, Washington. His COVID-19 vaccine information all checked out.

    Kevin’s pickup truck, clothes, accent and paperwork were all a lie, but of high quality as all of it was paid for by the US and UK governments. Everett was the location of one of several safe houses he maintained in the continental USA.

    Canadian Border Services let him through.

    He headed toward Highway 1 and drove west. His goal was the Vancouver International Airport. However, he realized that he was being followed. He suspected there would be watchers at the borders, but this was fast. To be sure he wasn’t paranoid, he left the highway at the Fraser Highway exit and headed west. He turned right on Bradner Road. Two vehicles that had exited with him followed his path. They were not professionals, he realized.

    He opened the glove box and made an intricate set of pressure points inside. Awkward to do while driving, but soon a Sig Sauer 229 emerged from the secret compartment. Kevin rolled down both windows.

    Headlights behind him grew very close as they headed into a distinctly rural area. The nearest vehicle accelerated and moved into the opposing lane. There were two young men in the car, and they fit the appearance of drug gang members. Kevin suspected they were alerted to him and either he had a really good price on his head, or he was identified as unwanted competition. The passenger raised a firearm and Kevin shot him once and then shot the front tire. The car veered off the road, knocked over a post box and crashed into a tree.

    The second car accelerated as if to ram Kevin’s pickup truck. He however pulled into the other lane, hit the brakes and shot the driver of the second car as it coasted by. That car landed in a ditch full of brambles.

    Kevin executed a brake turn and headed back in the direction of the highway. He followed 58th Ave, which turned into 56th Ave, which eventually intersected with Highway 1.

    He assumed that every drug gang in Metro Vancouver was going to be looking for him. The people really trying to stop him were going through criminal proxies while they assembled an extraction squad on Canadian soil. According to the GPS, it was about an hour to YVR. He took the 232 Street exit in Langley and headed north. It wasn’t long until he was on country roads again. He parked where he didn’t think there would be any security cameras. The F150 was a 2011 and blue. It was only a few days past a full moon, so there was some natural light. It took him a few minutes to find the hidden controls. The truck’s special paint job allowed him to flip the colour to red. Another difficult-to-access compartment provided a selection of license plates. He chose a BC plate with a valid insurance sticker.

    He drove north as far as Fort Langley, then headed west on 88 Ave and connected with Highway 1. He had no intention of taking back routes through Surrey. Once in Coquitlam, he had a routing decision to make. He could take the faster route through New Westminster to Highway 91 to reach the airport, or he could continue on Highway 1, exiting in Burnaby and follow Boundary Road. He chose Highway 1 as there were more escape routes if trouble arose.

    Luck wasn’t with him. His GPS soon indicated that there had been a crash on Boundary and he made his way onto Grandview Highway, which turned into East 12 Ave. Shortly after he suspected that a Land Rover with tinted windows was following him. He turned right on Nanaimo Street and started driving on side streets to test his theory. He was right. The Land Rover followed. Kevin increased speed, cut through laneways but was still being followed. His assumption was that a second vehicle was on the way. Kevin reached an odd intersection where a small garden and a couple of bollards blocked his access to a street. The Land Rover approached. Once it got closer, Kevin put the F150 into reverse and accelerated rapidly into the Land Rover. Its air bags deployed; Kevin’s luckily did not, and he then drove over a sidewalk and part of a garden to reach the next street.

    He covered two blocks before his tire was shot out. He wasn’t sure where his assailants were hiding. He detached the fob from the ignition key, grabbed his bag and gun and he rolled out of his moving, skidding, vehicle. More shots were fired at his truck, which gave him a location for the attackers, specifically across the street hiding behind Christmas decorations. He pushed the three buttons on the fob in an elaborate pattern and suddenly the truck burst into flames. He sprinted between houses and ran toward Nanaimo Street. In a couple of minutes, he was on Nanaimo St. He saw a bus heading to a bus stop and he sprinted down the sidewalk. A Vancouver police officer stepped out of a Tim Horton’s. Kevin slammed into him, knocking them both to the ground. Coffee everywhere. Kevin’s gun fell to the sidewalk. The officer’s partner, who was two steps behind him, saw the gun, yelled, “Gun!” She drew her sidearm and screamed at Kevin not to move.

    “Jesus Christ,” thought Kevin, “I’m going to be arrested for running for the bus.”

    I followed Renata into her apartment. She clearly enjoyed Christmas. There was no corner that wasn’t decorated. With a butane lighter, which was in the shape of Santa Claus, Renata lit Swedish Christmas Angel Chime Candles. I’d never seen either of these things before.

    I crouched in a corner of Renta’s apartment. I knew she couldn’t see me. Disbelief is a powerful blindfold, but I felt a bit dirty.

    After the incident on the street with the attacker, she was exhausted. She typed some of her notes into a computer, had a light dinner, put out the candles, and went to bed.

    December 22, 2021

    Renata did not have a morning appointment, so she let herself sleep in a little. As she was making toast, her phone pinged and she looked at the message. It was Constable Douglas. “We have a very interesting interview coming up this morning.”

    She quickly ate her toast and jam and made herself presentable. On the Skytrain ride down to Olympic Station, an older lady was staring at me. She said nothing. I suspect she wasn’t sure I was there. I didn’t look at her more than the one time. I was happy to be going back to the police station.

    “Ah, good, you’re here,” said Constable Douglas. He gave her the summary of where they were with Kevin. Car fire. Gun. Multiple passports and travel documents in different names. No sign of him in any databases. And he had not said a word.

    “I hope you have a lot of time,” said Constable Douglas. “This could take a while.” He grabbed a folder with only a few sheets of paper in it and walked into the interrogation room. I followed. The Constable kept peering over his shoulder at me. It was unsettling.

    Kevin was handcuffed to the table. He seemed relaxed, almost bored, and capable of waiting.

    “Hi, I’m Constable Douglas, but call me Don if you want. I know … Don Douglas. What parents give a kid two first names as a name? Long story.” He tossed Kevin a piece of chewing gum. “In case you’re getting stale feeling in the mouth. Anyway, it’s really ‘Don’ on my passport, not Donald. Crazy, hey?”

    Constable Douglas sat across from Kevin and looked at him. But occasionally the Constable kept looking over his shoulder at me. It was worrying. I moved to the other side of the room. Douglas noticed that Kevin was very fit, but not bulky muscle. Wound up like a spring and ready for movement. Anglo, of course, but Douglas wasn’t sure if he was Canadian or American. Douglas looked at me again, even though I’d moved.

    “I know you’re doing the strong silent type thing, but I was wondering, do you feel a presence in the room? You know … kind of paranormal? This building has lots of spooks due to the trauma left behind by people, but I’m really getting a strong sense of someone. What do you think?”

    Kevin squinted. This was not an interrogation question, he’d ever expected.

    On the other side of the one-way glass, Renata muttered, “What the hell? That’s new.”

    “You know,” said Constable Douglas, “I’ve decided I’m going to call you Kyle.” He paused. “Kyle, this ghost presence is really distracting me. Stay put; I’ll be right back.”

    I followed Constable Douglas out of the interrogation room back into the viewing room.

    “Wow. Ghosts?” said Renata. “Is that a normal technique for you?”

    “Oh, yeah. Every time,” replied Douglas. “Of course not. But this is really intense.”

    “So, you are actually feeling a ghostly presence.”

    “I know what you think. Not scientific. I’m hallucinating or I’m just some freak Indigenous guy.”

    “No,” Renata said forcefully. “If you feel it, the feelings are real. And to be respected. I’m not keen to jump to conclusions, however.”

    “Well, this spook is intense. And he’s pretty intense about you.”

    “Does this happen to you a lot?” asked Renata.

    “Yes, but not like this.”

    Constable Douglas took a piece of paper and pencil from Renata and sat for ten minutes and sketched. He handed her a portrait. And it was of me. Really close. She looked at it and looked at him. “This looks like a sketch artist’s drawing.”

    “It is,” he said. “I used to be a sketch artist. This is of the guy I keep seeing out of the corner of my eye. OK. I feel better now. I’m going to use this on this Kyle guy.”

    “Wait a second, can I take a picture of that with my phone?” He was OK with it, and she took a photo.

    I was worried about where this was going.

    Meanwhile Constable Douglas went back into the interrogation room with the sketch in his folder. “Hey Kyle,” this is a picture I drew of the guy I keep seeing out of the corner of my eye. Do you recognize him?” Constable Douglas noticed that Kevin/Kyle was chewing the gum he offered. Kevin made a slight face – a kind of how-the-fuck-should-I-know face.

    “OK,” said Douglas, “I see you’re wanting to proceed with not answering my questions. What I was wondering is if you can give me an indication if you were involved in a shooting in Langley last night. The RCMP sent me these photos.”

    Douglas showed Kevin pictures of the cars and gangsters he’d shot up. Kevin did not respond. Douglas took a few moments to look at Kevin’s eyes, which were taking in the detail of the photos.

    “I’m going to take that as a yes. The reason is that there was security footage of an F150 truck the same as yours in the area. And the CBSA reports you crossing the border near there. So, these gangsters were out to get you. Those guys are fairly easy to piss off, so I assume you annoyed them somehow. Because later, another group tried to get you. Although somehow you changed the colour of your truck.”

    Behind the glass, Renata had pulled out her laptop and started searching. She had recognized my face and was going through files. There was a chance she wouldn’t find anything. But, she stopped cold and stared at her screen. She was getting angry.

    “Are these guys fucking with me?” she muttered. She wasn’t going to be mocked. If she’d heard Douglas correctly a moment ago, this guy had a truck that could change colour. How stupid did they think she was? Was she supposed to think this guy was James fucking Bond? She decided to tap on the glass.

    “Just a moment, Kyle. I’m needed.”

    Once in the observation area, Constable Douglas said, “What’s up?”

    “What are you trying to pull?”

    “What do you mean?”

    She grabbed his file folder, pulled out the sketch and turned her laptop around. There I was. Brian Walker. Serial rapist. Serial killer. With my damn Tom Selleck moustache. One of the first people convicted based on DNA evidence in 1990. Died in 1995, rather painfully I might add, of spinal cancer while serving a life sentence.

    Apart from the fact I’m dead, I’m not like that anymore.

    Constable Douglas realized the problem. “Oh, Renata, no. This is a coincidence. Seriously. Oh shit.”

    “So, who’s your buddy in there really? This is Christmastime, not April Fool’s.”

    “No, no, no. Look.” Douglas pulled out the files and arrest record and other documentation. “This is too much for a prank. And I never heard of this Walker case before. Long before my time.”

    “So, explain the sketch.”

    “That’s what’s in my head. If you forget about the ghost thing, maybe it’s in my subconscious from having seen this in the past. Who knows? I’m nervous about this guy in there because his freaking passports are the most perfect ones I’ve ever seen. As if they were issued by the actual governments. He’s also relaxed, but wired up. I’ve never seen someone so worried and so chill at the same time. ‘Ice in the veins’ is the cliché to apply.”

    One of Renata’s talents was lie detecting. Having watched Constable Douglas’s body language and having looked at the file, she assessed the likelihood of his lying as low. If this was a prank, it was off the scale elaborate.

    Then the lights went out. The emergency lights came on.

    “This is getting a bit much,” said Renata.

    “Shit,” said Constable Douglas.

    “I’m ready to talk now,” said Kevin from the interview room.

    I was so angry. I didn’t want her to find out who I was. I didn’t want her to know I existed at all. Now it’s all ruined by this damn Indian. Worse, there were people coming to kill them. No. No. No.

    Renata was fighting panic. Constable Douglas was in the interview room, talking with Kevin.

    “OK,” said Kevin, “My name is Kevin; you were close on that Kyle guess. Anyway, the power cut means that an extraction team is coming to fetch me. And it won’t be good for anyone getting in the way.”

    “Who the hell are you?” At that point a great crash was heard from outside the interview and observation room.

    “I’m a spy. I stole intel from the COP26 climate change conference that a lot of people don’t want me to have.”

    “Who do you spy for?”

    “Um, er, I’m kind of freelance right now, but I used to work for MI6.” There was a booming noise, likely a shotgun. “We have to get out of here,” Kevin continued.

    “I have a civilian in the observation room.”

    “Oh shit,” said Kevin. “You have to unlock me. I figure there’s about 2 minutes before they come through the door. These guys are normally a team of four. Lots of body armour and guns. Do you have a side arm?”

    “Not with me.” Constable Douglas stood a safe distance from Kevin and tossed him the key to the cuffs. He came into the observation room.

    I had been listening, obviously, and becoming more upset. Renata was trying to decide if this was for real. Her sweat glands were saying real. What could I do? I invisibly slammed my hands down on the table and some of Renata’s papers moved.

    “Your ghostly admirer is pretty upset,” said Constable Douglas.

    There were sounds of small arms fire from outside.

    Renata looked at Douglas. “Are you kidding?”

    Kevin entered the room. “Hi. I’m Kevin.” Douglas stood between him and Renata. She stared at him intently as if he were a poisonous snake. “Right, OK, here we go. A pair of them will shoot through the lock and breach the door. I’ll grab the first gun and you disable him.”

    “How about I grab the gun and you disable him?”

    “Yeah, OK. Then whoever has the gun has to shoot the second one.”

    “No problem,” said Constable Douglas.

    “I’ll be over here out of line of sight, shall I?” asked Renta.

    I could sense the attackers on the other side of the door. They were planning to shoot anything that moved. This was not an extraction.

    The spy and the cop stood on either side of the door. The lock was shot off, the door was kicked open and a heavily armoured man with an assault rifle pushed through. My invisible hands pushed his gun so that it aimed down. Me. The ghost. It was so exhilarating to be doing something real.

    Kevin hesitated for only a second at the unexpected movement. He pulled at the attacker and spun him into a wall. The gun fell. Constable Douglas grabbed the other attacker’s rifle and pulled him into the room. They fell to the ground. Kevin pulled the knife from the attacker’s sheath and killed him with it. Constable Douglas was struggling; Kevin used the dead assailant’s sidearm to dispatch the second attacker.

    “Shit, you could have shot me,” said Douglas.

    Renata watched. Horrified. Kevin’s efficiency was disturbing.

    Bullets pounded the doorway. Kevin may have dealt with two, but he was wrong about the size of the team. There were 6 attackers left. Angry ones. Kevin and Constable Douglas returned fire, but they were firing blind.

    I looked at the two dead bodies. The one Kevin shot was too daunting a prospect, but the other one was possible. I leaned into Constable Douglas’s face and said, “I am going to help you.” I’m not sure if the message reached him, but I next moved over to the first dead body and merged with it.

    Renata saw the body twitch. There was no mental resistance to me possessing the body. I took inventory of what limbs I could move. And I managed to make the body stand. Kevin was about to shoot the reanimated body, but Douglas waved him off. I shambled to the door and pulled out another handgun from the attacker’s second holster. I stepped into the breach and started shooting. The rest of the assault team were perplexed. Especially when they returned fire. The bullets’ worst effect was putting me off balance. I took down two of them, but my presence let Kevin and Constable Douglas take firing positions outside the room. Kevin killed two of them. Constable Douglas shot another, and Inspector Hamel took down the last one.

    I departed the body, which was bullet ridden. It landed like a sack of ground beef.

    I was exhausted. Had people been able to see me, they would have watched me crawl on my hands and knees back into the interview room, where Renata sat. She was wondering if the relative silence was a good thing or not.

    I was barely holding myself together. All I knew is I had saved Renata and I had to rest.

    Constable Douglas, came in, called her name. He sat on the floor beside her and handed her a cell phone. It had the game Tetris loaded.

    “Start playing this,” said Douglas.

    “Tetris? Why?”

    “I’ll send you the study later, but this is PTSD intervention. It’s shown to alleviate involuntarily recurring visual memories of traumatic experiences. Plus, you’re going to be stuck here a long time.”

    “Where’s Kevin?”

    “Huh. No idea. He fucked off somehow. Anyway, don’t think; do this,” he said, pointing at the game.

    An hour later, she downloaded Candy Crush and played that instead.

    December 23, 2021

    Renata was recovering at home, reclining on her couch, underneath a large blanket featuring a print of Frosty the Snowman, watching Christmas movies. From what I could gather, she started a complex procedure of rolling out Christmas decorations on November 12, right after Remembrance Day.

    I did muster enough energy to rearrange her Charlie Brown Mini Nativity Scene, which was a set of 10 figurines on a knick-knack shelf. I moved the figurines to a more logical pattern. It was good to be getting some of my energy back.

    When Renata walked by the nativity set on the way to the kitchen, she stopped and looked closely. She frowned. Her mind went into that technical analysis zone where it was hard for me to interpret what she was thinking or feeling. She proceeded to the kitchen and put on the kettle. She made herself tea. Then Renata went to her desk and switched her laptop on. She fiddled with a whole bunch of settings. I really don’t understand this stuff, I must admit. But eventually she finished and returned to the Charlie Brown Nativity display. She put the figurines back the way they had been before I fixed them. She went back to the couch and kept watching her Christmas movies.

    I stared at this for a while and was angry. She wasn’t even born in 1965 when A Charlie Brown Christmas was first broadcast. I lashed out and all the figurines fell to the floor. If we were going to live together, she’d have to understand some things.

    Renata paused the movie and looked at the mess. She frowned again. She left the couch, picked up the figures and placed them back the way she had originally arranged them. She returned to the couch and continued watching her movie.

    Clearly this was a battle of wills. I carefully rearranged the figurines back to my way, which was more in keeping with the characters.

    Renata finished her movie, stood up and took her teacup back to the kitchen. On the way back, she looked at the Charlie Brown figurines. She frowned. But this time, she didn’t rearrange them. She went to her computer and flipped some screens around and replayed a video of the last couple of hours. Her laptop had been filming this whole time. She saw where I knocked the figurines over and when I had rearranged them the second time. She took a few minutes to edit the video and (I think) sent it to someone.

    She picked up her cell phone and made a call. “Hi. Constable Douglas? It’s Renata.”

    “After what we’ve been through, please call me Don.”

    “OK. Um, this is really hard for me to say, but I think I may be having a Brian Walker problem.”

    “How so? Don’t tell me you are suddenly believing in ghosts.”

    “Something is rearranging my Christmas decorations in the apartment. Check your email for a link to a video.”

    “Let me do that right now and I’ll call you back in a couple of minutes.”

    Five minutes later, Renata’s phone rang. “Hi Renata,” said. “Yeah, crap, that’s bad. I’ll be over tomorrow with a couple of people. Probably say around 11 AM. You’ll be in?”

    “It’s pandemic Christmas number 2. You bet.”

    December 24, 2021

    A little before 11 AM, the priest, the elder and the cop showed up at Renata’s door. Had I not been so nervous, I might have found a joke in this. Renata helped them with their coats before introductions.

    “Renata, this is Angie. She’s a Stó:lō Nation elder and was a good friend of my grandmother’s.”

    “Donny! You didn’t tell me she was so tall. Wonderful to meet you.”

    “This is Father Gerald; he’s an Anglican priest from St. John’s. And he’s a hugger. Oh, there he goes.”

    “I’m glad to meet you,” said Father Gerald giving Renata a big hug. “I want to see those figurines. In the video they look vintage.”

    “Yes, my mother gave them to me,” said Renta.

    “You could sell those on eBay for a fortune.”

    “Gerald,” said Angie, “could you keep it down a minute? I need to concentrate.”

    Renata was definitely feeling the absurdity of a priest with robes, an elder with a cedar traditional hat and a police officer who was wearing an Indigenous patterned blanket. They had drums and a smudge kit. The word “eviction” crossed her mind.

    Angie was silent. Eyes closed. It took only a couple of minutes before she looked at me. She could not see me, but she knew I was there.

    “All right,” she announced. “Gerald, if you can stop coveting Renata’s Christmas decorations for a minute, I think you should go first since we’re pretty sure this is a white guy.”

    “She’s in a hurry,” said Don, “because she wants me to take her to Lucky’s Donuts after.”

    “So,” said Gerald, “what we’ll do here is I’ll do a few prayers for the dead and try to see if our invisible friend can let go.”

    “Does it matter to you folks that I’m a scientist and not a believer?” asked Renata.

    Angie piped up, “Not at all dear. You have video. You know how you feel. I can tell you didn’t sleep well because you are afraid. What happens will be real, but may not have a good explanation. Isn’t the search for answers about mysteries what science and life are all about?”

    Father Gerald invited everyone to pray.

    O Sovereign Lord Christ, deliver your servant, Brian Walker,
    from all evil, and set him free from every bond; that he
    may rest with all your saints in the eternal habitations; where with
    the Father and the Holy Spirit you live and reign, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

    But I didn’t want to.

    For we brought nothing into the world,
    and it is certain we carry nothing out.
    The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
    blessed be the name of the Lord.

    Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord;
    Even so, says the Spirit,
    for they rest from their labours.

    Rest. It was an idea for sure.

    Angie opened a window in the apartment and started up her smudging kit and there was a smell of cedar and tobacco. They started drumming and chanting. The priest joined in. Even Renata timidly lent her voice. They carried on for about 20 minutes. The sound and the smell – I wasn’t sure how I was smelling this – was hypnotic.

    Then, out of the blue, Constable Douglas said, “Brian. If you can hear me. You saved Renata. You saved others (like me) too. But to stay here, holding onto Renata, is wrong. Your next place is with the spirits. Be a hero again and let go.”

    I can’t believe I agreed with a cop. I was so scared, but I let go.

  • Mutant Diet 2021 Week 2 Review

    Mutant Diet 2021 Week 2 Review


    After last week, I really need some Punisher and Wolverine

    Mutant Diet 2021 Week 2 Review

    There is of course no chart for this entry, which would have covered last week. This is because last week was a total bust. Situational stress. I really can say no more because of the need for privacy. Everyone involved is fine, but I have called for mental help.

    The stress of trying to figure out health and fitness in the middle of a pandemic, while working full time, and trying to finish a course is a lot. The course is material that simply doesn’t stick well in the old noggin.

    And, of course, there’s the fun of dealing with feeling like a loser because there are many, many people far worse off than me. There has to be a balance somewhere.

    Good news: Me ‘n the wife did yoga on Friday and the recovery time from the workout was far less. Hoorah. That first one back was tough.

    Let’s see if I can bring some coherence to this week.

  • Mutant Diet 2021 Week 1 Review

    Mutant Diet 2021 Week 1 Review


    I needed some Spider-man and Luke Cage

    Mutant Diet 2021 Week 1 Review
    OK. So. It’s week 2 and week 1 was a disaster. So bad I don’t want to document other than to say it was a disaster.

    On the good news front, I did stock up on the basics I need to make week 2 less of a disaster. I also managed to attend a yoga class (first since November). Holy crap my wife and I were in pain for two days.

    When I stop being angry at myself and I look at what events connect to carbs and alcohol, the whole insurrection thing in the USA didn’t help. It’s a stressor to want to live in a world free from stupid, racist, misogynistic people who try to overturn duly elected governments. And then to see people trying to overturn the US government made many people reach for the Chardonnay.

    Also, a family member emerged from the darkness to distress my wife. That was a four-bottle trip to the wine store and sushi restaurant.

    The prep for this week is to have carb-free breakfasts pre-prepared. I also had a pile of meat pre-cooked for the evenings to try to avoid carbs. It’s all right now trying to remove the massive desire for sugar and carbs.

  • Mutant Diet 2021 Edition

    Mutant Diet 2021 Edition


    In honour of WW84. Some Vancouver Christmas lights

    Mutant Diet 2021 Edition
    I have few delusions about how hard it will be to improve my diet/fitness.

    When the pandemic hit, I had just deadlifted 255 pounds. My last entry was robertfordfiction.com/mutant-diet-phase-12-day-60/

    I’ve not done a self-paced gym workout since. I’ve gained weight, managed some exercise (in the summer I cycled), and finished off a set of personal trainer sessions. I’ve also battled with and (more or less) won a battle with anxiety and depression. The severity was middle-range as I was generally able to function. Although a lot of April and May of 2020 is a bit of a blank.

    As I enjoyed Christmas foods, I knew that I would have to bear down on the problem again.

    One thing that’s clear is that this will be slower than I want and harder than I’d like.

    I concluded that I want a longer view with slightly more general goals. A positive approach with a bit more compassion when errors occur is required.

    Overall Objectives

    • Aggressively reduce refined carbohydrates
    • Eat fresh vegetables and simple meat
    • Gradually innovate my exercise to move back into more movement. This one will be dependent on weather, time, and public health orders. One of my Yoga studios has reopened. I’m hoping to be able to get back to that. Innovation at home will be necessary as well.

    How do I measure this?

    Pants and belt.

    The workouts I can feel.

  • 2020: Time Travel Tours

    2020: Time Travel Tours

    Christmas Story 2020
    Time Travel Tours

    Download the PDF Here

    by Robert Ford

    December 24, 2055
    Underground Bunker
    Boston, Massachusetts

         Isaac Czerniak, PhD Quantum Physics, greeted his next clients at the elevator.

         “That’s a heck of a long elevator ride,” said Mr. Jenkins, who, with his young female companion, stepped from the lift.

         “Our deep bunker,” said Isaac, “helps with security and shields our equipment from unwanted electromagnetism. Come this way and we’ll start preparations.” They proceeded down a bland corridor.

         Karl Jenkins and Susan Court were headed to see The Who on May 31, 1976, where the band would play The Valley in London. Isaac was unsure of the appeal of this band’s 120 decibels coupled with really awful weather, but people’s tastes were often inexplicable.

         As they walked toward the preparation chamber, Isaac reviewed the procedures.

         “Much of what I’m going to say is review, but for safety, I am obliged to cover the written material again. In a few minutes, Dr. Jefferson will do a quick physical to make sure you aren’t taking any pathogens with you to 1976. An outbreak of SARS-CoV-2 or the Ebola virus in 1976 would be … problematic.

         “We also will provide you with period specific clothing. We make sure we don’t use fabrics that have not been invented by that date. It’s important you blend in, don’t talk to anyone – although with this concert that would be challenging due to how loud it was – and don’t try to pick up any souvenirs. Your custom contact lenses will enhance your vision and record the experience for later review. They will provide as close to a VIP or box seat experience as possible. Incognito time travellers can’t risk trying to sneak into those sections.

         “The travel belt that will be around your waist will activate at the end of the concert. There’s an emergency return button, which I will show you how to use once you are suited up. Any questions?”

         “Yes,” said Susan, “The information packet said that on arrival there would be brief disorientation. What’s that really like?”

         “The landing is like being very drunk for about a minute. It’s best to crouch down upon arrival until your head clears.”

         “I know that we’re going to 1976, but I was really hoping for a 1965 Scandinavian tour date. Why does that not work?” asked Susan.

         “She has a very strong interest in Daltrey as a young man,” interrupted Karl.

         Susan slapped him playfully on the shoulder. “Don’t ruin my Christmas present.” Isaac wondered if Susan knew how expensive this gift was.

         “I won’t bore you to death with the mathematics,” said Isaac, “but the concert venues need to include a large enough audience in which to hide, and enough chaos so that crashing the concert with fake tickets will have a high probability of success. Without these conditions, the equipment simply won’t work.”

         Isaac was lying. The math excuse was a euphemism for the risk to corrupting the timeline. His equipment could drop anyone anywhere up to about 100 years in the past, but messing up the timeline had literally unimaginable and incalculable consequences. Therefore, he had built in risk tolerances.

         They entered the lab area and Cleo Jefferson greeted them. Despite the progress of the last decades, white people were often startled by Dr. Jefferson. She was six-foot-one, presented as equatorial African, had a Virginian accent, and was a genius. Everyone sensed it before she even spoke.

         Isaac had a crush on her the moment he met her, but he was 65; she was 32. Plus, he needed her talent more than anything else. Her equal expertise in medicine and physics were a rare combination.

         Cleo led the couple to the examining room.

         Isaac moved into the launch room and checked the board. There were 12 couples and some singles in the timeline now, enjoying various concerts. He moved two more tubes – they looked like upright 2001 A Space Odyssey hibernation pods – into position and started a pre-travel checklist.

         Karl and Susan returned with Cleo. She gave Isaac a smile and thumbs-up. One thing his clients wouldn’t always notice was that Cleo’s medical check also included checking for traces of contraband drugs or other items that would mess up the timeline.

         Under their mid-1970s hippy themed clothes were their travel belts. They were flexible straps with a large buckle that held the key travel equipment. These buckles sent signals to the equipment in 2055 each and held an emergency return button. There was a metal protective cover, which had to be slid out of the way for the return button to be accessed.

         Karl and Susan soon realized that the buckle had attached itself to each wearer’s bare skin. If they tried to remove the belt by force, it would be very painful. Beside each travel pod was a smaller version. It only looked large enough for a baby. As they stepped nervously into their pods, Susan asked, “What’s the small one for?”

         “It’s there to maintain the law of conservation of mass and energy. All the atoms currently in your body are all somewhere in the past. You can’t have two of your carbon atoms in the same place at the same time. Therefore, we suck all your 1976 molecules into this container while you are moving into the past.”

         “I can only assume,” asked Susan, “that if we went to somewhere where we were already alive, that would be bad?”

         “Yes and no. Every ten years or so your body regenerates everything. It’s not as if we were going to 2020 and Karl’s baby leg would end up in this chamber. If it was too close in time, the person in the past might feel ill from the sudden departure of atoms from his or her body.”

         Cleo helped by hooking large power cables into the two pods, with an umbilical cable to the smaller pods.

         Susan had a quizzical look on her face. “How do you find the 1976 particles?” she asked.

         “Excellent question,” said Isaac. “Quantum entanglement works across time. Particles have spin, polarization, etc. They also have a marker in time.”

         “How did you think of this?” she asked.

         “I had a lot of time on my hands during the 2020 global pandemic,” replied Isaac.

         “How long does the trip take?” asked Karl, who was showing signs of fraying nerves.

         “Not long,” replied Isaac. Unceremoniously, and to avoid having to give a refund if Karl chickened out, Isaac hit the switch to seal the pods. Two seconds later he hit the Go button and they were gone.

         Isaac inspected the smaller pods and saw an appropriate amount of gas and liquid swirling around. He checked the board and saw that their signals had appeared with the correct space-time frequencies.

         “Well, Cleo,” said Isaac, “that trip brings us to slightly over break-even. Can you believe it?”

         “That’s wonderful,” she said. “Are there many more concerts that people want to see that are safe enough?”

         “A few,” Isaac said.

         “Do you plan to shut down the system and retire?”

         “Huh. Do you think I’m that old? I was hoping to do historical research.”

         “Well,” Cleo said with a smile and a wink, “you are 65 even if you do have a hot bod.”

         “Dr. Jefferson; do we know each other that well?” asked Isaac, in a silly tone with a facial expression of feigned shock.

         “Maybe in another life.”

         Isaac had no time to ponder the remark. An alarm from the monitoring board sounded. He had not heard that noise since prelaunch system testing years ago. It meant that the signal to a traveller had dropped.

         Isaac rushed to the board. Karl and Susan’s signals were gone.

         “What could cause this?” asked Cleo.

         “Equipment failure at their end or … death.”

         Isaac stared at the board in the hope of change.

         “OK. Cleo, could you set up a pod for me?

         As Cleo moved another pod into place, Isaac unlocked a locker and pulled out a belt with a larger buckle – one suitable for multiple trips. He took his clothes off, strapped the belt on, and changed into another set of garments that had been hanging in the locker. The clothes were nondescript: a T-shirt, jeans, and a pullover.

         He also pulled what looked like a firearm from the locker and strapped it under the t-shirt.

         Cleo watched closely. “Have you been holding out on me?”

         “Uh, yes, but this is my emergency kit,” said Isaac. “For an emergency I wasn’t thinking would ever occur.”

         “Really though,” she said, “Is that a gun?”

         “It’s a non lethal conducted energy weapon.”

         “Wow, an NLQ” she said. It was a strange non-acronym. NL for non lethal and Q for the CEW. Apparently NLCEW was too much of a mouthful. He also pulled out and switched on a device that looked like a cell phone, but had some exotic components. He then put in image enhancing contact lenses.

         Isaac was about to step into his pod, when another alarm sounded. “Fuck.” He ran to the board and saw that the two grandkids of Elon Musk had disappeared from the original Woodstock.

         “Cleo, could you please start the emergency recall for everyone else? Start with the ones who, from their point of view, have been gone the longest. If more of them disappear, shunt coordinates of when and where to my phone and I’ll intercept them.”

         Isaac stepped into the pod, Cleo operated the controls and pushed the Go button. He was gone.

         A third alarm went. As Cleo expected, it was for Altamont Speedway Free Festival in 1969. The last alarm she was expecting was for Elvis in 1976. Once that one sounded, she plugged the coordinates into the communications board to send to Isaac.

         Cleo had no intention of recalling the others. She knew there was nothing wrong. The auto return circuits would work fine.

         She walked into a different, hidden room. In it were two additional pods with their accompanying smaller pods. She checked one of them and it still had the right amount of matter. Her lover was still travelling.

         She opened a locked box and pulled out a backpack and placed in it a modern high-end tablet as well as vintage solid state external USB drives. She included a photo of her mother, a medical kit and a few items of jewellery. She changed into 1969 appropriate clothes. With the backpack, she stepped into her own pod and used a remote control to enter her coordinates and clicked Go. Cleo was gone.

    May 31, 1976
    The Valley, Charlton Athletic Football Ground
    London, England

         Isaac appeared outside the venue. He crouched and let the travel effects wear off.

         “Hey man, are you OK?” asked a passer-by.

         “Yeah, I’m good, thanks!”

         The rain was letting up. Isaac looked around. If he had entered the settings correctly, he should have arrived a few minutes before Karl and Susan. Since he did not know when exactly things went wrong, he was not willing to take chances, despite his strong desire to determine the cause of their lost connection.

         It was almost a pity that they would have to miss hearing The Who at an ear-splitting 120 decibels. In one of the test runs of the system, Isaac had seen The Beatles. Seeing was the extent of it; the screaming fans had drowned out the music.

         Not far away, he saw them appear. Karl’s stomach was evidently not handling the trip very well. Susan seemed fine. He approached them and they were perplexed to see him. Before he could explain, a shot from a gun with a silencer ripped a hole in the grass right next to Isaac’s foot. He dove to push the couple over in the hopes to make them less of a target. The next shot tore through Susan’s shoulder. As Isaac hit the ground himself, he drew his NLQ. He could see a man, wearing a hooded Baja jacket. He approached holding with what reminded Isaac of James Bond’s Walther PPK with a silencer. He fired two bursts from the NLQ. The assailant ran off.

         Isaac lifted up Susan’s bloody shirt and hit the emergency return button. She immediately vanished.

         “Karl! Hit your button now!”

         Karl fumbled under his shirt and in a couple of seconds was gone.

         Isaac looked for the shooter, but saw nothing. The implications were disturbing. People were coming over to look into the disturbance. Isaac turned his back and looked at his phone. He entered the most recent coordinates that Cleo had sent.

         “Did you see that?” said a concert goer.

         “What?”

         “That guy – he just disappeared.”

         “What are you on, man?”

    December 31, 1975
    Pontiac Silverdome
    Pontiac, Michigan

         Isaac was in the midst of a 60,000-person crowd somewhere in the middle of Elvis’s show. He could hear Trying To Get To You coming from the stage.

         “Hey mister, are you OK?”

         “I’m good thanks. Just a little dizzy.”

         Isaac wrestled with the concept of someone else knowing Karl and Susan were attempting to see The Who. It was not going to be a good conversation when he returned. He had brought the NLQ in case his clients were in a fight with a local. Was this problem far worse?

         There were three distinct possibilities: one being that Karl and Susan had looked like someone else, and the assassin was targeting the wrong people; or the assassin had been hired by someone from the future; or the assassin was from the future.

         His next job was to find his two clients – a rich grand nephew and niece of Jeff Bezos – from somewhere in this sea of excited people, mostly women, in sequined pantsuits. Elvis started into Don’t be Cruel and the crowd stopped moving a little.

         He worked through the crowd looking for his two clients. It took ten minutes, but he saw them and headed their way. He was also looking for more people carrying Walter PPKs. But, at the moment the niece and nephew recognized him, one pointed in a way that alerted Isaac to danger from behind. He spun around to find a large cowboy with a Bowie knife. Isaac quickly disarmed him with a cross arm knife block and then knocked him to the ground.

         “Why are you trying to hurt these kids?”

         “Kids?” the cowboy said, “I was paid to put you down.”

         Elvis finished Heartbreak Hotel with

              They’ll be so lonely
              They’ll be so lonely, they could die

         Isaac turned to his clients and said, “Hit the emergency returns NOW!”

         They were gone and soon Isaac was gone, taking a profound feeling of confusion with him.

    August 16, 1969
    Woodstock Rock Festival
    Bethel, New York

         Isaac was crouched in mud. He could hear the Grateful Dead in the mid distance. Woodstock, he thought. He let the nausea from the trip clear. While still crouched, he checked his phone. It looked like there was only one more time jump after this one.

         The challenge of course was to reconcile the idea that the clients whose signals vanished off the board were meant to attract him to these settings. To be assassinated? Why? And, by whom?

         Woodstock was such a large chaotic festival that he’d felt OK letting a couple of clients visit. In this instance, he was looking for a couple in their 30s. They were some of Elon Musk’s progeny with a deep interest in popular music. Sonny and June.

         Despite his special contact lenses, Isaac knew finding them would not be fast. It was after 10:30 p.m. and the lighting at Woodstock was notoriously bad. The Dead started up Turn On Your Lovelight.


              Without a warning you broke my heart, takin’ it baby, tore it apart
              And you left me standin’ in the dark, said your love for me was dyin’

         Not many people knew that The Dead were going to drag this out for 38 minutes. Isaac hoped in that time he’d find his clients. About 20 minutes later, he spotted them sitting on a blanket watching the stage. They had a good view enhanced by their special contact lenses.

         During his search, he’d been very careful to look for possible assassins and was startled, shortly after calling the couple’s name, to find Sonny pulling a familiar-looking Walther PPK with its silencer. Isaac grabbed Sonny’s wrist, pushed the gun away and punched him in the face. Isaac then fired the NLQ, rendering Sonny unconscious with a blue flash. People nearby thought it was a very bright camera flashbulb. Isaac turned to June and said, “What the fuck is going on?”

         “Don’t kill me. Don’t kill me.”

         “You’re my client, why would I?”

         “The other guy. He had a belt like ours said you’d come to kill us.”

         “Name?”

         “He didn’t say.”

         “What’d he look like?”

         “Kind of like you but a lot younger.”

         They were interrupted by a festival-goer who asked them to shut up please.

         “Time to go home,” said Isaac. He activated the belt on the unconscious Sonny and told June to press her return button.

         They were gone. Isaac hid the Walther under his shirt.

         He sat on the muddy blanket, listening to The Dead draw out their song. He checked his phone and there was one trip left before he could return home. Cleo had not added any others. He chose to assume that all but two clients were now safely home in 2055.

         He then pushed the button for the final trip.

    December 6, 1969
    Altamont Speedway Free Festival
    Tracy, California

         This jump was harder on Isaac than the others; each trip had been wearing him down. As he crouched, surrounded by a sea of people, he heard The Rolling Stones start playing Jumpin’ Jack Flash. He realized he was at Altamont. If his memory was correct, they were not many minutes away from the killing of Meredith Hunter. He also knew where his clients would want to be. One of the two women was a fabulously wealthy great grandchild of Mick Jagger himself. They had begged him to allow this concert to be opened up on the time travel tour.

         He carefully drew the NLQ and moved closer toward the stage. History was not clear on exactly who thought the Hells Angels would be good to guard anything, let alone the stage. But whoever that was, he was clearly an idiot.

         By the time The Stones’ cover of Chuck Berry’s Carol began, Isaac was near enough to the stage to start looking for his clients.

         Anyone paying attention to him were truly wondering why a grandpa was at this concert. It was the time in history where living past 40 seemed unimaginable. But his age helped him move toward the stage more easily.

         He spotted his clients; the enhanced contact lenses helped. He began moving through the crowd to reach them.

         The Stones started Sympathy for the Devil.

         A couple of Hells Angels blocked his way.

         After a moment, they parted and he saw him. Or perhaps himself.

         “Hello, Isaac,” said his younger self. He might have been 35. How?

         Before he could speak or react further, younger Isaac lifted up his older self’s pullover and exposed the Walther. “See,” said the younger Isaac to the Hells Angels, “he’s got a gun.”

         The Hells Angels lunged toward the older Isaac, but he fought back, punching the closest one in the gut. The crowd started to notice the fight and react. The audience lurched about, provoking smaller fights. Everyone started heaving themselves closer to the stage.

         The second Hells Angel stabbed older Isaac in the chest twice with a Gerber Mark II knife – one that had seen action in Vietnam. He and younger Isaac moved to block the view. “Watch out. I have to get this old guy out of here,” said the Hells Angel.

         By this point Mick Jagger had stopped Sympathy for the Deviland implored the audience to cool it.

         While crouched over the now deceased older Isaac, his younger self removed all the technology and shoved it in a rucksack. He handed the Hells Angel a wad of cash and then moved back into the crowd, away from the stage. He was joined by a tall Black woman, who put her arm around his shoulder.

         The Hells Angel took the dead body away, pretending to be helping an old man who’d fainted.

         The crowd settled, for the moment, and Mick Jagger said, “We’re always having something very funny happen when we start that number.”

    December 24, 2020
    Isaac Czerniak’s Apartment
    W 95th Street
    New York, New York

         Isaac had finished his last test run of calculations and had the feeling of success. The isolation caused by the pandemic had focused his mind. After nine months of effort, a limited form of time travel was in his grasp. The mechanics of the idea were daunting. It would take years to make it practical, but he had many money-making ideas in mind.

         Suddenly he felt ill – as if his legs wanted to give way. He leaned on his desk.

         A man emerged from the kitchen; he was a spitting image of himself.

         “Hello Isaac. Best to sit down. You are suffering from having some of your body matter be time-displaced.”

         “Who are you?”

         “I’m you, plus five years.”

         “But … there’s no way I could create anything that fast.”

         “You didn’t.”

         Dr. Cleotha Jefferson came out of the kitchen.

         “Who the hell are you?” The 30-year-old Isaac was starting to cough.

         “I’m Cleo. From 2055.”

         “You see,” said the older Isaac, Cleo saw you use your invention to send rich people to rock concerts in the past. She even helped! However, she recruited me.” He reached out to hold her hand. “Made me offers too good to resist. And made me realize we had different obligations – that catering to the ultra rich was pointless … and worse.”

         The 30-year-old Isaac was physically struggling. Were he taken to hospital right away, he might have survived. However, Cleo handed her lover a needleless hypodermic from 2055. He quickly injected the younger Isaac and he quietly and painlessly died. They carried his lifeless body to the bathtub. A second injection started a desiccation process. In an hour the body was mostly dust. A further hour of work left no trace of the body.

         In the living room, Isaac poured two glasses of wine and gave one to Cleo.

         “Well, it’s Christmas Eve. I’m a Jew, you’re a time displaced Black New Baptist, medical doctor-physicist from 2055 and we’re trapped in New York in 2020 during a pandemic. May I propose a toast to the recently departed who made all this possible?” They clinked their glasses. Cleo looked out the window. The first snowflakes of Christmas fluttered down.

         “Where to start?” asked Isaac. “Helping Black Lives Matter? Fixing voting districts? Climate Change? (I’m sure you want to have better outcomes than what you saw in 2055.) Stock market speculation to fund it all? Health care? Set up your fake ID?”

         “I love it when you talk dirty,” she said.

         And they kissed. They had the rest of the pandemic to figure it out.

  • Mutant Diet Phase 12 Day 60

    Mutant Diet Phase 12 Day 60


    Batman and John Constantine in a jam. Ottawa has to keep the PM at home due to his wife being ill.

    Mutant Diet Phase 12 Day 60
    I want to tell anyone who sees this that I love them.

    Unless you are anti-Semitic, anti-LGTBQ+, misogynistic, Islamophobic, or an aggressive driver, I pray for you.

    The only good thing I can report this week in diet/fitness is that my deadlift hit 255 pounds. That was Tuesday. Today I’m still sore. Due to a forked up schedule, I could not do my regular yoga class. I have booked myself into a Thursday noon class with the heading in Outlook “Emergency yoga – bring money.” (My 10 class pass ran out.)