Category: Writing

  • 2015: Mr. Smith’s Distortion

    2015: Mr. Smith’s Distortion

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    This story is in honour of my daughter’s school, which is in the middle of a seismic upgrade (due to be completed in 2017), which will also be Canada’s 150th.


    Sunday May 24, 1964
    Lighthouse Park, West Vancouver

    He could see the glow in the east; it was the pre-dawn glimmer. Exhausted, he sat on a rocky outcrop, not far from the Lighthouse. He was dirty and shivering from his exertions much further up the mountain in West Vancouver.
    Bryan’s view east to Vancouver was spectacular. He’d come down to the park and, in the dark, trudged to the shore, guided by a weak flashlight and a bright moon. He’d hoped the sunlight would literally and psychologically warm him.
    In taking a mental inventory of his actions, he realized that hiding a body in the mountains, with any reasonable hope that animals would not disturb the remains, was much more difficult than first imagined.
    What kept shooting into his mind, like a spasm, was the image of her taking that drink. Back at his apartment, Bryan had brought out all the sweet drinks for them to enjoy in bed, but it was the amaretto that did it.
    She was so perfect, so beautiful, so wonderfully naked and then – he assumed – it was the almond in the liqueur that knotted her throat. Anaphylaxis; she was dead before he could perform any kind of first aid.
    He held his head as the first rays of sunlight revealed his sweaty and dirty body. What had his options been? He was her History teacher. But it wasn’t his fault, he reasoned. No one knew where she was. Her parents were a joke – drunks who didn’t care.
    He moved to head back onto the path to his car. He had to establish his alibi, clean up the apartment, wash himself – maybe a swim on Second Beach – and carry on. He was sad. Would he ever find another?

    Friday December 8, 2017
    Basement Suite 2201 Balsam Street Vancouver
    7:30 AM

    Terry’s phone rang. Lydia’s ringtone was the Bernard Herrmann theme to 1962’s Cape Fear, which was suitably dramatic and, to Terry’s preference, obscure. And considering almost no one ever actually called a person any more, it was rare to hear.
    He sat up in bed, rubbed his eyes and answered. “Yes?”
    “Are you awake?” she asked.
    “I am now.”
    “I have a huge favour to ask.”
    “Go on.”
    “I really want to go to the dance tonight at school and I don’t want to go just with Portia and I want to go with a friend and if it’s not you what kind of friend would I be taking? I mean we are best friends, right?”
    “So, you’re worried I’ll say no.”
    “Uh, duh.”
    “What makes you want to go to a school dance now, when you used to think the whole thing was ludicrous?”
    “Well, it’s our last year. This will be the school gym’s first dance since the Rebuild, and it occurred to me that it would be sad to have never have gone to a dance in high school.”
    To say no to his oldest friend was not much of an option. Of course Terry didn’t want to show that he’d do almost anything for her.
    “Do I have to wear clothes?”
    “Yes,” she said. “Clean clothes.”
    “No special garments or accoutrements?”
    “No, it’s a semi-formal which means you just should not look like a dirt bag.”
    “I will have to do laundry.”
    “It’s a Pro D; no school; you have time. I also want you to ask Pash to escort Portia to the dance.”
    “Pash. Seriously? Why him?”
    “Portia wants to go with someone who doesn’t realistically expect to sleep with her.”
    “Ah.” Portia was the ‘it’ girl of Pentland Secondary, BFFs with Lydia, socially connected across all cliques and liked by all. She was pretty without being over the top. Pash, Terry’s friend from his elementary years, was a geeky South Asian with a kind heart but a relentless nerdiness.
    “I’m sure he’ll understand the restrictions on the offer. I’ll call him and warn him, but Portia should call herself. He might think I’m kidding.”
    “Do you want me to pick you up this evening?” Terry added.
    “No, Portia and I will make a grand entrance. You worry about Pash.”
    Terry rose from bed and started organizing laundry.

    Friday December 8, 2017
    Pentland Secondary School, Vancouver
    7 PM

    Terry arrived at the school and was looking for Lydia and Portia. He had told Pash to meet him here, but he had not shown up yet. It was a mild concern for Terry as Pash was typically on-time.
    Then Lydia and Portia arrived. They whooshed through the front doors, attempting a grand entrance, but their giggling dimmed the effect. But they looked great. Portia was always 100% fashionable and glamorously wore the seasonal LBD (Little Black Dress). Lydia was in a royal blue mid thigh dress that showed both her muscles (she was a chronic soccer/track competitor) and her curves.
    Terry saw this vision along with a memory of skinny-soaking-wet-crying-Lydia from preschool, who had taken a tumble in the water park.
    “Lydia. Portia. You both look wonderful. I am glad I actually washed before leaving the apartment.”
    Portia was a hugger. “Where’s Pash?” she asked as she squeezed the breath out of Terry.
    “Late, apparently,” said Terry. “I’ll have him executed later. He was very excited at the idea of being your companion.”
    “Let’s go check out the decorations in the gym,” said Portia.
    “I’ll hang here until Pash arrives. I’ll text him again,” said Terry.
    Terry fiddled with his phone as other people arrived for the dance. Suddenly, standing beside him was a young man dressed as an airman of the World War II era. One of Terry’s father’s obsessions, apart from beer, was World War II.
    “Wow. I had no idea this was a costume dance,” said Terry.
    “I’m Flight Lieutenant Jonathon Reynolds. I went here when I was a child. It was a lot different then.”
    “When was that?”
    “1938. Time is short,” said the Flight Lieutenant . “I need to show you something,” He grabbed Terry’s wrist.

    October 11, 1943
    Over Germany, 150 km north of Berlin

    Terry had a sense of nausea and then he realized he was crouched in a Lancaster bomber which, judging by the ridiculous noise level, was in flight.
    “What the hell?”
    “You are in my Lancaster October 11, 1943.”
    “Uh, OK. Er, why? Were these things really this loud?”
    “Listen carefully. Someone from your year, 2017, is manipulating time. It’s for evil reasons, but it gives me a chance. We’re getting close. Write this down: latitude 53.4198 and longitude 12.7383. Müritz. It took me many years to figure out the location.”
    Terry took out his phone. “Give me the numbers again.” Once he had the numbers he asked, “Is that you up in the cockpit?”
    “Yes.”
    “What is going on?”
    “I’m about to die. Your … device now has the location of me and my crew. Have someone find us and bury us properly.”
    “74 years later?”
    “Yes. Promise me you’ll find us.”
    “Uh, I promise,” said Terry. He wasn’t sure who was going to believe him when he tried to tell people that a ghost from the 1940s had told him about the location of the watery grave for a Lancaster crew.
    “Get ready,” said Flight Lieutenant Reynolds.
    “For what?”
    Anti-aircraft fire struck the Lancaster. Terry saw the pilots struck by flying metal. Metal seemed to fly everywhere, including through him. Here, he was the ghost.
    “We can go now. I’ve seen this before.”

    Friday December 3, 1965
    Pentland Secondary School, Vancouver
    7:10 PM

    They were back at the school, but in the old gym. Pentland Secondary had just completed its seismic upgrade. Therefore, from Terry’s view, this part of the school had been knocked down two years ago.
    A live band was playing “Day Tripper” by the Beatles.
    “Uh, this isn’t my … year.”
    “I know. As you likely noticed, the Lancaster went down as the sun was setting. We crashed in Müritz Lake. No one saw us. That’s why we haven’t been found.”
    Terry looked at the kids in the gym. Some were formally dressed and some were clearly edging their way towards Hippy Land.
    “Now it’s December 1965. The problem I face is you have to live through the night to release the information on your … device.”
    “It’s an iPhone.” Terry was impressed that the latitude/longitude data was still there. It seemed odd to imagine it working under such disembodied conditions. “So, this whole ‘live through the night’ statement is giving me some anxiety. Want to elaborate? And what does 1965 have to do with anything?”
    “There’s a teacher,” said Reynolds. “He likes a certain type of student in ways that are not right. Look in the corner of the gym. Just wait for that really big kid to move.”
    Terry waited for the enormous lad to move and looked. It was a teacher all right. Young, but still too old to be dancing with the student at all, let alone the way he was dancing. Too intense. Hips too close. She was short, curvy and seemed almost blank-faced. “In thrall” was an obscure science fiction-y term that came to Terry’s head.
    “Oh dear. The big student sees us,” says to Reynolds.
    The 6-foot-4 football player-sized student approached them.
    “Hi. Who’re you guys?”
    Terry reached out his hand and was surprised that he was as tangible as the big student. “I’m Terry, from the 21st century. And you?”
    “They call me Moose. I’m the bouncer. What kind of crazy talk is this?”
    “Moose? Seriously?”
    “I’m Flight Lieutenant Reynolds. We’re just passing through.” Reynolds grabbed Terry’s wrist and they were gone.

    Friday December 2, 1977
    Pentland Secondary School, Vancouver
    7:10 PM

    There was now no band playing. Big speakers were piping in taped music. Terry recognized the end of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult.
    “Would you please tell me what the hell you’re doing?”
    When the Flight Lieutenant turned to Terry, he could tell that the pilot had aged somewhat. And his uniform was fraying.
    “That Moose fellow could see us. Interesting. He didn’t seem like the sensitive type. This is 1977. I’m trying to let you learn about this temporal knot we’re in so that you can escape.”
    “OK. That makes no sense. Why me, anyway?”
    “Good Lord, man. You are the smartest student in the school, yes? In my experience fear is only controllable through intelligence and focus.”
    The next song was “Get up and Boogie” by the Silver Convention.
    “O boy; Disco. Can we go now?”
    “Look on the dance floor,” said Reynolds. “What do you see?”
    “That same teacher. He hasn’t aged – this is 12 years later, right? – and the girl is different, but not a lot different,” said Terry.
    “He has a type, doesn’t he?”
    A young black student, who stood out from the sea of white faces (with a small mix of Asian) saw them and looked at them quizzically.
    “We have another observer,” said Reynolds. “Time to go.”

    Friday December 7, 1984
    Pentland Secondary School, Vancouver
    7:10 PM

    “It’s My Life” by Talk Talk was now on the gym speakers.
    “OK. At least we’re past Disco.” Terry was starting to become quite concerned with Reynolds. He was stooping and positively grey. “Uh, are you OK?”
    “I’m running out of the energy that I stole from Mr. Smith’s temporal distortion.”
    “Mr. Smith?”
    “Bryan Smith. Look in that same corner of the gym.”
    The same Mr. Smith from 1965, 1977 and now 1984 was dancing inappropriately with a student who was not the same as the others, but cut from the same cloth.
    “Judging by the music, this is the mid-80s,” said Terry.
    “1984.”
    “Wouldn’t that make him in his mid-forties?”
    “Aging much better than me,” said Reynolds. “But, he’s not aging at all, is he? This is because he is, somehow, warping time.”
    Reynolds noticed Terry looking around the gym more closely than before.
    “Looking for your parents?” asked Reynolds.
    “Sort of. I have low expectations. I suspect my Dad is out back smoking and drinking with his friends and my Mother is probably in a dark corner trying to remove the jeans of some helpless boy.”
    A student, in about Grade 11, stopped in front of Reynolds. “This is a totally crazy get-up, man. Pity it’s not Halloween.”
    Reynolds simply stared at him. Terry however recognized him from photographs. It was his Uncle John. Terry wanted to say something, but it was challenging to find something to say when you were looking at a dead man. Uncle John had died of an AIDS related illness in 1995.
    “And who are you? Man, you look like my Grandfather from really old pictures.”
    “I get that a lot,” said Terry.
    Uncle John was called away by another friend.
    “Was that a relative?”
    “Yep. Uncle John. Like you, he’s dead. But in his case he doesn’t know it yet.”
    Reynolds feebly grasped Terry’s wrist.

    Friday December 3, 1993
    Pentland Secondary School, Vancouver
    7:10 PM

    Reynolds looked terrible. His uniform was in tatters, like it had decayed and his skin was flaking.
    “There’s not much time,” he said. “Look in the corner.”
    The teacher, Smith, was slow dancing with another girl of that same type. So what was the count? Four? But the teacher still looked the same. Was it still the 80s? Duran Duran was coming from the speakers with “Ordinary World”. Terry remembered that was an early 90s hit. And judging from the way the kids were dressing, the Nirvana / Grunge influences were kicking in.
    “It’s 1993,” mumbled Reynolds. “That teacher in fact no longer teaches at the school. He took early retirement. The year following the discovery of a body.”
    “He killed one of them?”
    “I don’t have full knowledge of the circumstances.”
    Terry couldn’t help but listen to Simon Le Bon’s voice.

    But I won’t cry for yesterday
    There’s an ordinary world
    Somehow I have to find
    And as I try to make my way
    To the ordinary world
    I will learn to survive

         “It won’t be a very ordinary world if you don’t stop Smith,” said Reynolds. “When you return to your time, you must escape the school and track down Smith in your time and stop him. He’s warping time. You can’t collapse decades upon each other and expect no consequences. People will die.”
    “How do you collapse time on itself? What’s he got – a TARDIS?”
    “I don’t know what that is. But Smith is doing something.”
    A very intense Grunge styled student approached them.
    “Who the fuck are you guys?”
    Even Terry, who’d witnessed bad manners of all sorts both at home and at school, was taken aback at the fearlessness of this fellow. However, Terry – never short on smart-assed comebacks – said, “I’m The Pope and this is my bitch.”
    Grunge Boy, to Terry’s surprise, held his ground. “This guy looks dead and it does not look like a fucking costume.”
    “There’s no time,” croaked Reynolds, “Go back and stop Smith. Remember the Lake Müritz coordinates.”
    “How do I get back?”
    Reynolds abruptly turned toward Terry and, in full view of Grunge Boy, revealed his head wound from the Lancaster crash. “Go!”
    Terry was so shocked and sickened, he fell over backward.

    Friday December 8, 2017
    Pentland Secondary School, Vancouver
    7:15 PM

    Two students helped Terry up. “What’re you doing on the floor?” one asked.
    “Uh, I was tired,” said Terry. He looked about, relieved to be seeing his modern, overly glassed, school and not a past version. He grabbed his phone and found the entry in the Notes app. Lake Müritz 53.4198 12.7383.
    “Damn, damn, damn,” he said and ran off in the direction of the new gym. “Lydia!” he yelled.
    She heard him and she and Portia came into the hallway.
    “What’s with you?”
    “We gotta go. We gotta go now. There’s no time to explain.”
    Terry grabbed their hands and pulled them to run. Unsurprisingly they resisted. “What the hell?”
    Then there was a deafening crunch. The windows of the school all turned black. The walls shook, as if being compressed. Then there was the screaming.
    Terry watched as two students ran for the exit. When they opened the door and stepped outside, it was if they were suddenly incinerated, but with no smoke and no smell. The first was a boy, who was mostly out the door, howled and then quickly fell to pieces like a charcoal sculpture. The girl, his date, fell back into the school where others watched her writhe for a moment while the darkness from her arm and leg – those limbs that had made contact with the outside – grew to cover the rest of her body. She turned to ash.
    “Holy shit!” said Portia.
    The few remaining supervisors and students huddled against the wall, away from the doors.
    “Is this an earthquake?” asked Lydia.
    “I know what this is, but you won’t believe me,” said Terry.
    In the wall next to them, a doorway opened. It was the size of a double door but shaped more like a cave entrance. It was pure white light, in contrast to the blackness showing from the windows to the outside. Coming from the light, Terry could hear the 1965 band playing “Day Tripper”. Then the band suddenly stopped and the now familiar crunching noise could be heard. Without hesitation Terry stepped through.

    Now back in 1965 he scanned the gym, which was now in the throes of its own pandemonium. However, in the corner Smith and the girl student still danced, oblivious. Terry started to walk toward them.
    “You!” Moose grabbed Terry by the shirt. “What the hell have you done?”
    “It’s not me. Let go.”
    The next thing Moose knew was that a 5-foot-7 girl in a blue dress and bare feet was executing a Taekwondo Jump Spin Kick that landed the heel of her foot on his chin. Terry was released and Lydia said, “Is this ??”
    “Yes, it’s the old gym. It’s 1965.”
    Moose rose to his feet with rage in his eyes.
    “Listen. Wait. It’s Mr. Smith. The teacher. We have to get him and his … girlfriend over there back to our time.”
    Moose simply glowered.
    The gym ceiling was starting to drop tiles on them.
    “Help us grab them and we go back through the light. Please please,” said Terry.
    That teacher?” asked Moose.
    “Yes. The pilot guy I was with told me. You remember him?”
    Moose stomped across the gym floor and grabbed the oblivious pair by the shirt and blouse respectively and marched them over.
    “How do you know this guy?” asked Lydia.
    “I don’t. I saw him when I was here before. We have to get out of here then I can explain.”
    Terry led Moose, his prisoners and Lydia through the portal.

         “OK, what was that?” asked Portia.
    Moose let go of his prisoners and gaped at the new school.
    “And who the hell are these people?” yelled Portia.
    “Portia, Lydia listen. These people are from 1965. The older one is a teacher. He’s causing this problem. We are being compressed by at least 5 different eras. Can you talk to the girl and try to get her name? If I’m right, this teacher – he’d be in is late 70s today – is doing this.”
    “Are you insane?” asked Lydia.
    “No,” said Moose. “You have a hell of kick girl. Some kind of kung-fu?”
    “Taekwondo.”
    “I saw him in my time. What year is this anyway?”
    “2017. It doesn’t matter,” said Terry. The flight lieutenant told me we had to stop him on the outside. But we can’t get out.
    “That teacher is a scumbag,” said Moose.
    “Why?”
    “I think you girls will understand when a teacher has his pets. Girl pets.”
    “Ewww,” said Portia and Lydia at the same time.
    Down the hall, another white shimmering cave-shaped portal opened.
    Terry ran to it. He heard the strains of Talk Talk and walked right through.
    “What the hell?” said Lydia.
    “I’ll go get him,” said Moose. “You guys watch this pair.”
    Lydia and Portia stared at 1965 Smith as he pulled the girl student to him and started slow dance to music no one but he heard.
    “I think I’m gonna barf,” said Portia.

         In 1984, Terry ran toward the corner of the gym where 1984 Smith and his choice of student were dancing. Moose was close on his heels, yelling, “Wait for me!”
    The roof in this decade was also coming apart and students were screaming running for exits, where many were meeting painful disintegration.
    Terry was happy to have Moose’s help. 1984 Smith pushed back. Moose clocked him hard in the face and Terry grabbed the hand of the girl.
    As they turned to head back to the portal, Terry’s Uncle John stood in their way.
    Talk Talk’s “It’s my Life” was still playing.
    “If you don’t want your face busted, get out of the way,” said Moose.
    “If you want to live, come through that portal. Pick one,” said Terry, “Now.

         In 2017, Uncle John said, “Wow, nice layout.” At that moment there was another crunching sound and everyone was ducking for cover. The building groaned. Terry noticed that the portals were decreasing in size. He hadn’t thought about it before, but he couldn’t help but think it would be bad if anyone touched the portal mouth edges.
    Lydia was staring at Uncle John. “Is this … ”
    “Yes,” said Terry. “It is. Uncle John, please meet my friend Lydia.”
    “Uncle John?” he asked.
    “Yes. You are the younger brother of my father, Sam. It’s 2017 now so that explains why you are younger than me. See the teacher clones over there? A 2017 version of them is controlling all this somehow. I was supposed to get out of this building before it all came apart.”
    “That’s nuts,” said Uncle John. “The guy we pulled out looks like Mr. Smith, but is a lot younger.”
    “Terry,” said Lydia. “Tell me you have a plan.”
    “I don’t have a plan; I have a theory. If 2017 Smith is outside controlling this, parts of him – think Voldemort in Harry Potter – are inside these semi comatose younger versions.”
    “You used a Harry Potter reference,” said Portia.
    “Desperate times,” said Terry. “I figure if we gather them together, we might be able to sort something out.”
    “Did you know that Mr. Smith was messing with students?” asked Moose. He was talking to Uncle John.
    “Uh. Rumours for sure.”
    “Do you know that girl we brought back from 1984?” asked Moose.
    “I know her to see her.”
    “Hey Portia,” said Terry. “I have a favour to ask. Can you update Uncle John here on HIV safety standards for the late 20th and early 21st centuries?”
    “Health Class to the rescue!” said Portia.
    “Er, uh,”
    “Don’t be embarrassed, Uncle John,” said Terry. “Your life might depend on it.”
    “Also, move the girls away from The Smiths,” said Terry. “Portia, when you’re done with Uncle John, can you talk to the girls and see what you can find out? Like, who the heck are they?”
    As Portia took John away, Lydia asked, “Aren’t you worried that you’ll mess with the timeline?”
    “I thought about that and, since I think The Smiths here have done temporal damage already, I don’t see how I can make it worse. And, if the universe gives me a chance to save a blood relative from a disgusting death, I don’t see why I should not embrace the chance. However, this will all be meaningless if we can’t figure a way out. I’m assuming all cell phones are not working, not just mine. What about networks?”
    Left in the immediate area were Fernando and Stefan, grades 11 and 10 respectively, who were reasonably tek-savvy. By examining phones, breaking into the school office, and hacking an aging PC, they realized that the clocks on all the devices were constantly jumping around within a 12-hour period for Friday December 8, 2017, the day in 2017 people thought of as today. With the clocks constantly changing, they only had a couple of minutes at a time to use the Internet before the signal reset.
    Portia provided names for the girls from 1965 and 1984, which were Dani and Samantha. When they did Google searches for them, there was very little. No LinkedIn profiles, nothing on Facebook. They tried an obituary search. Samantha from 1984 looked like she’d passed away in the 1990s. The reference was very short but it seemed to indicate substance abuse.
    Down the hall, Terry heard a voice calling “Hey, another portal opened!”
    “What’s the music like?”
    “Disco. Gross.”
    “OK, I have to go.”
    “Wait,” said Lydia. “You have to figure a way out of this. I can go.”
    “No, no, no,” said Terry.
    “Why not?”
    “OK. Uh, you know when I told you that I didn’t apply to those mini schools with the upgraded math and science programs because my parents wouldn’t sign the applications? I figure you know by now that I was lying, right?”
    “Yes. I had no doubt you could get around that if you wanted.”
    “Did you ever figure out why?”
    Lydia looked blankly at him.
    “Until we met in pre-school, I had never felt safe. And, I have never met anyone else I feel safe with. So I went to school where you went to school. If you had moved to Mongolia, I’d have moved too.”
    “So, you’re telling me you love me?”
    “Er. Yeah, I guess so.”
    Lydia slapped him really hard. “This is not the time to tell me. This whole in-the-face-of-death confession is so Pirates of the Caribbean. And you hate those movies.”
    “Ow.”
    “I’m going, and when I get back we’re having a proper conversation.”
    “Moose, take Lydia to the 70s. Make sure nothing happens to her.”
    “Yes boss,” said Moose.
    “And look for the lone black guy there. He saw me and the Flight Lieutenant and looked like he might be able to help.”
    Lydia and Moose were gone. “I pity the poor idiots who try to get in their way.”
    “Fernando … Stefan. Do we know which device has the best and longest connection to the Internet? I’d like to be able to call for help even though I’m not sure who to contact and how to describe this.”
    Another portal opened behind Terry. He could hear Duran Duran. “That’s the 90s,” said Terry.
    “But it’s Duran Duran,” said Stefan.
    “Trust me on temporal distortions and musicology,” said Terry.
    Another crunch and groan happened. All the portals started to shrink and the building shook. Cracks started to appear in the walls.
    “Uncle John! We’re headed to the 90s. Stefan and Fernando, you are on guard duty.”

         As soon as Terry and John stepped through the portal, Terry realized things were worse than he had seen previously. The darkness that was turning people into ash was crashing through the walls. Terry grabbed John and they ran toward 1993 Smith and his female victim.
    Suddenly the music changed. The PA switched to Cold Play’s “Clocks”.
    That’s not 1993, Terry thought. More like mid 2000s.
    Then an entire other copy of the school gym crashed through a wall at an impossible angle, dumping students from 2005 onto the floor of the 1993 gym.
    They grabbed the still dazed 1993 Smith and girl and started running to the portal. Grunge Boy saw them. “You again!”
    “Come on!” yelled Terry, “We have a way out!”
    A friend of Grunge Boy followed but as they hustled through the portal, it contracted and the friend’s shoulder was hit by the portal’s perimeter. He screamed and started to fade to ash. Grunge Boy was stunned, half way through the portal. Terry and John grabbed his arm and hauled him through.

         “What’s your name?” asked Terry.
    “Seb … Sebastian.” His senses were on overload. The new school structure was disorienting and the group of three identical Mr. Smiths was not helping.
    “Welcome to 2017.”
    “Hi sweetheart,” said Portia, grabbing the new girl’s hand and leading her away, “Let me just introduce you to some girls you have a lot in common with.”
    “Mr. Smith, I’d like you to sit over here please,” said Fernando.
    “Terry, that’s a lot of bad noises coming from the door there,” said Portia.
    “The other time zones are literally coming to pieces. Where’s Lydia and Moose?”
    “Not back yet.”
    Terry trotted down the hall. He could not imagine 1977 being better off than 1993. He noticed the portal to 1965 was nearly collapsed.
    He stared at the portal. Go in? Or wait?
    Then he heard voices.
    “Stay still you sonofabitch.”
    Through the portal came Moose and the black student, whose name was Leon. Moose came through wrestling with 1977 Smith. His female victim of the era was pushed through by Lydia and, as she was passing through, another compression crunch occurred that cracked the plaster in the ceiling. The collapse caused part of the portal to scrape against Lydia’s ankle.
    “No!” Terry pulled Lydia through.
    “Shit that hurts,” she said. She fell to the ground. Her foot was gone.
    Terry sat on the floor with her, holding her tightly. “No no no.” The darkness started creeping up her leg. “You can’t go; you can’t go; you can’t.”
    “Terry listen,” she said. “You can figure this out. If that freak is using time … so can you.” She changed to what looked like charcoal.
    In another three seconds Terry was holding only ash.
    By this point, Moose and Leon had restrained the rather aggressive 1977 Smith.
    Terry stood and faced those around him. Portia was an utter mess, sobbing. Terry was homicidal. He leapt at the first Mr. Smith (1977 version) and started punching repeatedly. Then Terry shoved the teacher away from him in disgust. 1977 Smith slammed into two other Smiths. A flash of light blinded everyone and when eyes adjusted, there was only one Smith.
    “You morons,” said Smith. “Do you think this makes any difference?”
    The combined Smith was more coherent and quite angry.
    “Shut up you crack-licking maggot,” said Terry, which he followed with, “Moose, hoof him in the balls, please.”
    A moment later, Mr. Smith was writhing in agony.
    “If he tries to get up, kick him again,” said Terry.
    Sebastian, AKA Grunge Boy, approached Terry and said “You don’t swear, but you are fucking mean.”
    “When I want to hear good swearing, all I do is ask my parents for money.”
    “This Mr. Smith,” said Sebastian, “from my perspective, retired last year, looking a lot older.” “So?”
    “It was the year following the discovery of a girl that had been missing from the school since 1964. A girl who looked a lot like these girls here.”
    The four girls, who were 15 and 16, were more animated then when initially rescued, but showed all the signs of survivors of abuse, with a haunted look and skittish body language.
    “What was her name?” asked Moose.
    “Pauline … um, something French,” said Sebastian. “They found her in a makeshift grave in West Van, north of Lighthouse Park. New housing project uncovered her.”
    “Brazeau?” asked Moose.
    “Yeah.”
    “You bastard,” Moose lifted Bryan Smith from the ground, slammed him against a wall and put his arm against his throat. The school started to shake and plaster was falling.
    “It was an accident,” the teacher gasped.
    “And I suppose she buried herself in that grave,” said Sebastian.
    “Put him down,” said Terry. “I don’t think killing this, er, incarnation of this scumbag is going to help us get out of here.”
    “No one gets out of here; this goes on forever,” said Smith.
    The black student from 1977 walked in between Terry and Smith and guided Terry away. “Hi. I say ignore the weird veiled threats from the psycho, OK? My name is Leon.”
    Leon then beckoned to Portia. “Hey girl, what’s your name?”
    “Portia. Did you say Leon?”
    “Yeah. Now you two seem to be in charge, despite it all, and I’d like to help. You certainly have had a trauma. And, Terry, you’re the guy I saw with that WWII guy, right?”
    “Yeah. Huh.”
    “I’m positive, Leon, I know you. What’s your last name?” asked Portia.
    “Cameron. I’ve got two first names for a first and last name.”
    “Portia, you’re right, it’s him.”
    “Him, what?” asked Leon.
    “Nevermind,” said Terry. “We’re running out of time. Let me just tell you that same sex marriage rights are legalized in Canada in the 2000s. So your upcoming activism won’t be wasted. Assuming we can fix this.”
    “Don’t be a tease,” said Leon.
    “I’m not in the teasing mood,” said Terry “I’m in a figure-this-out-before-we-all-die mood.”
    Then Terry took a couple of seconds to look at Portia. He’d always liked Portia because she never took her popularity for granted. And of course because Lydia liked her. Her makeup was a mess from crying and as she looked at him, she was welling up again.
    “Where’s Pash?” Terry asked suddenly.
    “Who’s Pash?” said Leon.
    “Pash was supposed to be Portia’s date. He didn’t make it to the school.”
    “What kind of name is Pash?”
    “It’s a nickname,” said Portia. “He’s South Asian and has a long complicated name but his mother made a fortune making and distributing pashminas. (I have a few; they’re gorgeous.) But, someone,” she was looking at Terry, “nicknamed him Pash.”
    “What if he didn’t come to the dance because he was busy saving our lives?” asked Terry.
    “If that was the case, I’d forgive him for standing me up.”
    “Stefan! Fernando! I have an idea.”
    The two younger boys ran toward Terry.
    “From that desktop computer, we still have network access?”
    “Yes,” they said.
    “But still the clock is changing,” said Terry.
    “Yes,” said Fernando. “It seems to be jumping around faster.”
    “What I want to do is record a short video on my phone and then email it to Pash’s phone.”
    “If we compressed the video file, it might get to him before the clock changed,” said Fernando.
    “We have to pick a clock time after 9 AM so that he has time to help us,” said Terry.
    “Got it. You record something short and we’ll get ready.”
    “Portia,” said Terry, “help me.”
    Terry set the phone to record them selfie-style and he started. “Pash. There’s a problem. We’re stuck in the school. An ex-teacher named Bryan Smith – he’s in his late 70s – is creating a time distortion that’s killing us. I know that sounds crazy, but the school is being destroyed.” Terry briefly panned the phone’s lens around the mess behind him. “Lydia is already dead.
    Portia started to cry.
    “Find Bryan Smith. Bryan spelled with a Y. Make him stop whatever he’s doing. And don’t come to the school.”
    “Be careful,” said Portia. “The guy is … bad. We think he murdered a student named Pauline Brazeau in 1964.” She started to wipe her eyes.
    “Remember: Find Smith. Stop him. Don’t come to the school,” said Terry. “And don’t fuck this up.”
    He stopped the recording.
    Terry handed the phone to Fernando. “Let me know when you compress the file.”
    “Wow, dude, you swore,” said Sebastian.
    Terry turned to him. “I’m so glad you’re happy. Pash has known me for years and has heard me swear, like, twice. The risk is that he’ll think this video is a prank.”
    “Oh.”
    “Yes, ‘oh’.”
    “File’s compressed!”
    Terry walked into the room where the computer was. Fernando showed him the file folder. Since he had to use webmail, he’d have to log in, attach the file and send it very fast. He watched the rapidly changing clock. When it read 9:12 AM, his fingers flew over the keyboard and he pressed send.
    “Now what?”
    “No idea.”

    Friday December 8, 2017
    #22 Bus, Vancouver
    9:15 AM

    Pash was looking at his phone and saw a new email from Terry. He had his headset on already, so he watched the video. Once, twice, then three times.
    Pash got off the bus. He had never seen Terry so scared and, despite Terry’s tendency to fool around, he didn’t pick up any sense of fun in the video. No vibe of a prank. Plus, he swore.
    At a nearby coffee shop, Pash pulled out his tablet computer and connected to the Wi-Fi. Time to research Bryan Smith.
    For the next three hours, Pash did deep searches of all sites that he could think of. Mr. Smith had a very light Internet presence. He researched Pauline Brazeau, which was an unsolved missing person’s case of a Pentland Secondary student. On a couple of social media sites there were references to a predator teacher, but it was vague. Smith had retired before the Internet had gone big, which reduced his online footprint. He was, apparently, married. A notion that struck Pash as odd given the circumstances.
    In the end all he had was a location. Smith’s residence was now Vancouver Senior Terraces, which was within walking distance of the school.

    Friday December 8, 2017
    Vancouver Senior Terraces
    3:15 PM

    Pash quietly entered the facility. He was starting to feel silly. If it wasn’t for the feeling of authenticity from the video, he would have given up by now and declared it a prank. However, Pash was also seriously curious. Could some guy in a senior’s home be manipulating time?
    He had bought a poinsettia to make him look like he was a legitimate visitor and quietly located the room. He placed the poinsettia on the tray-table that would later hold Smith’s dinner.
    The decor was freaky.
    It looked like something from the recent Dr. Strange movie. There was a pillowing canopy over the bed, which felt like a tapestry. All over the walls were motifs from many cultures, some which Pash did not recognize. There was a constant low chiming. It reminded Pash of Buddhist meditation chimes, but the sound was warping as it played, like a Doppler effect. There of course was incense, coming from a vaporizer, but it smelled off to Pash. Mounted on the wall was a large crystal, with a blue light emitting from it that was shining on the face of the 77-year-old Bryan Smith.
    Although the man did not look well, but was serenely lying on the bed. In contrast to the Sumerian, Hindu and Greek images, there was a Haida Dream Catcher dangling over his head. His eyes were rapidly moving under closed lids.
    Pash did not know what to do. “Stop Smith,” Terry had said. “Stop what?” Pash muttered, “being a New Age freak with no sense of cultural consistency?”
    “Who are you?”
    Pash spun around to see what could only be described as a Scary Old White Lady. The lines in her face told a story of misery. Her scowl would make a full-grown gorilla cry.
    The fact that this was probably Smith’s wife did nothing to reduce his fear.
    Worse, when Pash had swung around, his backpack had knocked the poinsettia onto Smith in his bed.
    “What have you done?”
    “Oh shit, let me help.”
    As Pash tried to pick up the poinsettia and the dirt, he knocked the Dream Catcher off its string. Smith’s wife started screaming. Smith himself started convulsing.
    “Get out of the way!”
    Pash moved, saw the glowing crystal and had a moment of pure intuition. He jumped up, grabbed the glowing crystal and ran. If anything was causing Terry’s trouble, it was the freaky blue glowing crystal with no sign of a power source.
    Pash had never run so fast in his life. Within eight blocks, he was by the water. Panting, he sat on a park bench and looked at English Bay on a cold pre winter day. From inside his coat, he pulled out the crystal. Its glow was fading and turning to a dull blue.
    “If this doesn’t qualify for Terry, I’m going to kill him myself.”
    Then a calm darkness overcame Pash.

    Friday December 8, 2017
    Pentland Secondary School, Vancouver
    Time Unknown

    Terry paced the hall. It had been five minutes since the email was sent. Two compressions had occurred and more pieces of ceiling structure fell. Smith sat and scowled at them. Moose watched, foot ready.
    “How’re we supposed to know if that mail you sent worked?”
    It occurred to Terry that Moose would have been a student before the term email had been coined.
    “No idea,” Terry replied.
    Then Smith started to convulse.
    “What the …” said Moose.
    “Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy,” said Sebastian.
    Smith was starting to turn blue, but not just as a result of choking. His body and his clothes were turning blue.
    Then the hallways at the end of their sightline turned utterly black. It was not just lights going out.
    Terry turned to Moose. “If you get back to 1965, you stop this bastard. Do what you have to do. We can’t let him do this to these girls. It doesn’t matter that we might change history or I might never exist as a result of you doing something. He has to go. For decades no one stepped up. No one protected them when everyone had an obligation to help.”
    Terry and Moose looked over their shoulders. They were watching people being engulfed in darkness. Sebastian, Portia, the girl victims, Uncle John, Fernando, Stefan and Leon … all swallowed up.
    Terry and Moose shook hands, said “good luck” and it was done.

    Friday December 8, 2017
    Basement Suite 2201 Balsam Street Vancouver
    9:15 AM

    Terry’s phone rang. Lydia’s ringtone, Cape Fear, caused him to sit bolt upright and grab his phone. “Lydia? Are you all right?”
    “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
    “The school. Temporal distortions; you went to 1977.”
    “Yes.”
    “But … it’s the morning of all that.”
    “I’m coming over. We need to talk.” And she hung up.
    Terry put on clothes and decided to check his phone. Latitude 53.4198 and longitude 12.7383 Müritz was stored in the notes.
    His phone rang; it was Pash. “Hey,” said Terry.
    “Hey you, man. What the hell was that? I woke up remembering something happening at a time today that hasn’t happened yet and you sending me this fucked up video.”
    “You still have it.”
    “Yeah I still have it. It’s messed up stuff, but I have it.”
    “Lydia’s coming over. You come over too.”
    “What do I do about this crystal?”
    “What crystal?”
    “What do you mean – what crystal? Jeezus I’m coming over.”
    “That’s what I told you.” And they hung up.
    “Terry!” yelled his mother from the other room. “Your idiot Uncle John is here.”
    At least my mother is still a total bitch, thought Terry.
    Into his room came Uncle John. He was older, but very alive.
    “You remembered what Portia said.”
    “Hard to forget.”
    “What do you remember?”
    “Everything, but as a dream, basically. I’ve been waiting for this day for a chance to thank you.”
    “What about Mom and Dad?”
    “Sadly, they’re still assholes. Bred to the bone.”
    Terry realized he had a dual set of memories. One life with Uncle John and one without.
    “Terry!” yelled his Mother. “Lydia and Portia are at the door. What the hell is going on?
    “Send them in!”
    “Who the hell are you?” they heard in the distance. There was yet another person at the door with further commotion. “Pash! Take your goddamn shoes off.”
    Lydia and Portia came into Terry’s room. Lydia and Terry hugged. Portia approached Uncle John. “It’s you,” she said.
    “Yes, aged, but me. You I also have to thank you.” And Uncle John hugged Portia.
    They all felt the presence of a large lumbering man with a cane, aged about 70, enter the room. “This is quite the reunion.”
    “Moose,” said Terry.
    “That’s Mr. Livingstone to you, kid.”
    “I never heard your real name.”
    Terry looked at Moose’s damaged leg. It looked like an old injury. “What happened?”
    At this point Pash entered the room and saw everyone.
    Moose limped over and shook Pash’s hand. “You must be Pash. I assume you got Terry’s message.”
    “Holy cow. Who’re you?”
    “Pash, just tell us what happened,” said Terry.
    Pash recounted his visit to the senior’s home and showed them the crystal he stole.
    “But this hasn’t happened,” said Pash.
    “According to my studies,” said Moose, “this is a classic paradox caused by me. Our friend Mr. Smith was unmoved when the police found Pauline’s body, based on an anonymous tip. (One day I’ll bore you with how long it took me to find Pauline’s body.) Anyway, he showed no signs of remorse. The police could not make the connection.”
    Portia was scanning through search results on her phone and blurted out, “Smith died in 1966. Car crash.”
    Moose patted his bad leg. “Yeah, that hurt a lot.”
    “You were … ” said Terry.
    “The other driver,” said Moose. “Looks like you won’t need to go to that senior’s home, today Pash.”
    The entire room, except Uncle John who knew all this, stared at Moose.
    “It’s OK,” said Uncle John. “He became a social worker.”
    “Hey,” said Moose, “I nearly forgot.” He pulled out an iPhone 7 and punched in a few numbers. He then pointed the screen on which Leon and Sebastian – both appropriately older – were waving. “Hi guys! It’s great to see you,” they called out.
    Everyone said hi and cheered.
    “Are you ready for the party tonight?” asked Leon.
    “Haven’t told them yet,” said Moose. “Guys, we’re having a kind of family reunion.”
    “Not at the school,” said Terry.
    “Good lord no. I’ve been saving up for over 50 years. We dine like kings tonight. Plus I figure you’ll end up with severe PTSD if you go near the place tonight.”
    They sorted out the details of where they would meet later and, eventually, Terry got them out of the apartment. He said he needed to figure out how to tell the German government to locate a sunken Lancaster bomber in Lake Müritz. Lydia remained.
    “Hey Lydia,” said Terry. “Maybe we should go somewhere to talk? Can I buy you breakfast?”
    “Yes and Yes,” she said.

  • 2014: E3

    2014: E3

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    December 24, 2017

    The fact that it is Christmas Eve is technically an accident, but the Christmas traditions of peace and salvation were never more desirable than now.

    I am taking pen to paper. A novel idea in this high tech era, but we are under communications blackout in preparation for launch in two hours. I also feel the need to put this story down. I figure if you are seeing this in electronic format, someone (or something) found it and transcribed it. Regardless of the outcome, I won’t be putting this on a computer.

    I belong to an organization called the World Underground (WU), which I hope you’ve never heard of. After the first nuclear bomb test (July 16, 1945 in New Mexico for you history buffs) the Allies realized they had a monster on their hands (i.e. possible nuclear war) and started digging. Massive bunkers were built in four locations with a history of seismic activity. Two are in North America and the other two are in Europe. I’ve only ever seen two and I have no idea where the others are.

    Self-containment, self-sufficiency and secrecy were the driving thoughts for the WU. By the 1950s the structures were in place and in the 1960s, recruiting began to gather people with the right skills and attitudes to be part of the WU. Our community was to be the survival cross section group of humanity in the case of nuclear annihilation. In the 1970s, when I was 17, I officially died, and left my life behind. I was a brainiac in the emerging microprocessor field. At first it was tough, but the work was so engrossing that I adjusted well. Plus, it’s not like we didn’t get out. My year in France was amazing – But this is not a memoir.

    The Copperheads are what is important. In the 1950s there was an increase in UFO sightings around the Nevada and New Mexico area. This was attributed to fanciful imaginations and increased air traffic globally. However, the Statistics group of the WU was not convinced, so a WU special team spent time examining this. (Paranoia about the Soviet Union was super high so no anomalies were ignored.)

    Much to the WU’s surprise, our investigative team retrieved a sample of an alien body from a crash site in Ely, Nevada and brought it back to the bunker. Our secrecy had been preserved, but we had a quandary. We had proof of alien life, but no idea what to do about it. The WU’s thought process was “if these creatures can travel between planets and stars, the estimated energy from their propulsion systems could vaporize us in a day.” Very little exists in the way of alien artifacts. From what we can gather, the material self-destructs or is cleaned up by the Copperheads themselves. Much to my annoyance, no X-Files style of reverse engineering of alien tech has ever been possible.

    By the way, the aliens are called Copperheads because we think they have a copper-based blood/circulatory system and we think they have metallic shells (no idea if it’s natural or an add-on), kind of like turtles. This is all based on the one sample as we’ve never seen one alive. We infer their activities from UFO sightings and alleged crashes.

    The WU felt that, considering the aliens have worked so hard to conceal themselves,

    1. They were on Earth because they were tourists — something like eco-tourists wanting to leave a small footprint
    2. Were doing research using a duck-blind approach, or
    3. Were scouting for future colonization.

    All three concepts have a creepiness factor to them, but the WU decided that watching the watchers would yield more information than any overt activities.

    There is pre-1950s data that might indicate they were on Earth far earlier, but the data tells us that it was after the Trinity bomb, we earthlings really caught their attention.

    My job, that started back in the 70s, was to leverage and advance computing technology and to tap into existing data to see if we could learn more about the Copperheads. As the Earth became more and more covered with cameras, broadcasts and surrounded by satellites, we wondered if the Copperheads had to improve how they hid. The big prize of course was figuring out if they had a mothership or some indication of where their home world was.

    In 2014 we were distracted by Ebola. It burst into a crisis in west Africa and the WU was concerned on two levels. The world response was sluggish and the ability for the virus to infect and kill health care workers was nasty. The WU’s inherent paranoia about world-ending events drew its attention to Ebola. Ironically, despite being a secret organization to preserve humanity, no one in the WU actually wanted to be the last humans standing.

    During the Ebola crisis, we recorded an increase in Copperhead style UFO sightings in west Africa, which was not a traditional place for them to visit. We started to look more at the data because, due to the chaos of Ebola, we did not trust it.

    Then in mid-2015, just when Ebola itself seemed to be under control, E2 emerged. E2 was Ebola transmitted cold-style through respiratory illness. Only a handful of people had resistance to this and a whole new crisis in west Africa erupted. With it being far easier to transmit the disease, air travel was restricted. Once again we recorded a spike in Copperhead activity. What made the relentless health crisis in Africa of interest to the Copperheads?

    The WU’s microbiology and virology group brought hypochondria and paranoia together in an intense way, but that didn’t stop them from obtaining and analyzing a sample of E2. Their conclusion was that it had not evolved spontaneously, it had been helped. During Ebola, sections of Africa were tightly cordoned off. Two E2 samples from two isolated sections of Africa were exactly the same. Spontaneous mutation was never that tidy. Our microbiologists were convinced E2 had been modified in a lab.

    Making things really crazy was the fact that someone (our intel suggested mercenaries out of Saudi Arabia) dropped off E2 infected dead bodies into the heart of the so-called Islamic State conflict in Syria and Iraq. These bright bulbs who thought that up did not realize that E2 is a non-discriminatory virus infecting anyone regardless of who they fight for.

    So, as our biology groups tackled the E2 virus, the technology group convinced the WU leadership that we had to look directly for the connection between the Copperheads and E2. The coincidence of their activity and Ebola and E2 was too unlikely not to investigate. The entire organization was starting to worry our bunker would not be used to preserve humanity from nuclear war, but rather a pandemic.

    My team had built thousands of micro-drones which were packed with sensors and the ability to self-dissolve in the case of malfunction. If caught, they would not last long and leave no useful trace. We wanted to deploy these in west Africa to see if we could catch a glimpse of what the Copperheads were up to. I personally felt they were responsible, but I had no evidence. By the time we had our network of hidden surveillance drones in place, the world panic around E2 was so great that west Africa had been virtually abandoned and no one was watching, except us.

    When E3 emerged, had we not caught the footage on our own equipment, we would have likely disbelieved the recordings. The last of what we assumed were E2 infected patients were sliding into comas. Once their core temperatures and pulses dropped to 32 C and 30 bpm, they showed signs of a brain haemorrhage. Shortly after, they would get up and start walking as if in a trance. They shuffled seemingly without effort to the nearest settlement and started attacking people, many of whom were already sick, and biting off chunks of their flesh.

    E3 patients weren’t reanimated corpses or anything, but even if we could magically cure the virus, the various organs were so calcified, that survival was virtually zero. Viruses, like all living things, look for a way to survive through passing genes. However, sending “zombies” to go chomp on other people seemed more like psychological warfare than an effective means to transmit disease. These poor people now wandering the African landscape were right out of our worst horror movie induced nightmares.

    We coordinated with a WU unit in Europe to obtain a sample of an E3 patient – all done with robots and remote vehicles. It was a challenging bit of lab work. We wanted to see what E3 patients were made of, and we had antiviral tests we wanted to perform. This was insanely overt for the WU, but we were quite convinced if the E3 virus didn’t kill us all, the subsequent panic would.

    Over the years, one of the thought problems about the Copperheads was “What did they eat? Did they bring all the food they needed with them? How long would that last?”

    Our cameras once again found out. After all these years it was almost a thrill to see a Copperhead in plain view. They did look like metallic turtles with six legs. Four were for locomotion and the middle two look like tool handlers. However, the context of this discovery removed any excitement – the Copperheads started eating the E3 patients. Only our cameras were covering this as the Copperheads started in the most abandoned part of Africa. To bring our collective distress to the maximum, after eating two or three E3 patients, the Copperheads gave birth. Baby Copperheads are not cute. But they are hungry.

    It had taken them a long time to reveal it, but clearly colonization was the Copperheads’ goal. One of the many imponderable questions revolved around whether they knew we were watching. Did they see our drones? Did they not care? If they knew we were watching, they had no fear or assumed they had no reason to fear us.

    So, the WU – the think tank bunker meant to preserve mankind from a self-inflicted demise – now faced an existential dilemma. Attempt a counterattack or stay hidden and hope for the best. Collectively, the feeling was that we could not stand by and do nothing. We activated our backup bunkers and prepared to abandon what had been home for decades. At the same time, we prepared thousands of drones with a special antiviral spray.

    We had a double feint in mind. The drones would deploy an anti-viral that might cure E3 patients, only of course to let them die naturally and rapidly. This was the least likely outcome. The anti-viral was more likely to work on some E2 patients prior to succumbing to E3. Our hope is that the Copperheads would assume we were trying to save people. However, within the anti-viral was a compound designed to spoil and/or poison the Copperheads’ food supply. Again, huge assumptions were made here. Specifically had we inferred correctly from our 1950s era Copperhead sample what their nutritional needs were? The follow-on assumption was that the compounds that E3 patients had developed were the food source.

    Ideally the Copperheads would eat E3 patients, and either derive no nutrition or, better yet, die from food poisoning. Alien salmonella if you will.

    Look at the time. Five minutes to launch. Soon thousands of drones from all four WU bunkers will emerge and do their work. Despite our intricate network of launch bays, we assume the Copperheads will figure out where we are.

    In a couple of hours it will also be Christmas Day. The WU is multi-faith, but I remember the traditions of my childhood. I remember wanting that minicomputer kit from Popular Electronics. My parents thought I was such a nerd. Now for Christmas I want to live. Or as Demosthenes observed in about 340 BC, I’d like to fight, then run away so I can fight another day.

    ——————-
    Historian Notes. Date: 2071-12-24

    Document transcribed from hand-written notes found in the North American bunker #1, 2070-09-18. Great debate about authenticity. A prank? “E3” not confirmed by independent sources. No other similar bunkers have been found in North America or Europe. Copperheads not confirmed by independent sources. (Although sufficient material to drive speculation and conspiracy theories.) Anti-viral drones were confirmed to have existed. Insufficient record-keeping to derive exact source of drones. Several governments of the day claimed ownership. This document has inspired incredible discussion about the events of the late teens and 2020s. More cross referencing required for authentication.

  • 2013:  Psychic Movements

    2013: Psychic Movements

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    The Toronto Eaton’s Centre at Christmas time is a great place for chance encounters but, because of the way my brain is wired up, it’s rare that I’m ever surprised.

    In a significant exception, on December 13, 2013 Kendra (I didn’t yet know her name) seemed to appear out of nowhere on the third level of the Eaton’s Centre near the Trinity Square entrance.  Our shoulders connected hard and I grabbed for her, saying “Wow, I’m sorry.”

    I caught her thoughts, clear as day.  She thought, “Jeez, I’ve got to be more careful when teleporting in.”

    Typically, when I’m catching people’s thoughts, I keep a straight face and my mouth shut.  I normally avoid mental eavesdropping so as to avoid excess noise in my head.  However, in this case, I blurted out, “Teleporting?  Seriously?”

    She looked as if she’d been stung by a bee.  I thought it best to carry on like I’d not said anything.  “So, you’re OK?”

    She nodded.

    “OK, then,” I said, “I’ve gotta go.”  And I kept walking.

    ***

    Despite its great retail promise, after two hours, the Eaton’s Centre had exhausted me and I had made little progress with my meagre shopping list.  I fled to the lower level, to the “Urban Eatery” which was, I assumed, the new dressed up term for “Food Court.”

    Once people are known to me, I can feel them gradually coming toward me, even if they’re out of sight.  As I headed down to the food court area, Kendra’s presence popped into my mind in a distinctly non gradual way.  By the time I was downstairs, she was walking from a food vendor to a table carrying a rather large burger combo.

    I purchased a pita pocket sandwich and, as I was turning around, she waved and beckoned me over.  I felt that coming and also had the feeling that to ignore her would be a bad idea.

    Once I reached her table, she outstretched her hand and said, “Hi.  I’m Kendra.  I never got a chance to apologize for almost knocking you over.  Entirely my fault.”

    “Stephen,” I said.  “Hardly your fault in a busy mall at Christmas.”

    “Please sit down,” she said.

    When meeting with strangers, I tend to be on the lookout for strangeness.  Some subsets of the mentally ill glom onto me because their damaged structures seem to grasp that I can peek inside people’s heads.  In Kendra’s case she was focused, but rather scared, and doing a great job at hiding it.  Her fear came from a worry that I was going to reveal her secret.

    The problem was that her secret was unbelievable.  It was a conundrum.  To reassure her that I wasn’t going to reveal her secret – one that I shouldn’t know anyway – would require me to reveal my secret — being an actual mind-reader, not just some sideshow trickster.

    Kendra believed she could teleport large distances.  That’s what was in her mind.

    I am a really good lie detector.  Basically there are three types of lies.  One is a quick whopper that you make up on the spot to try to deflect or avoid embarrassment.  It’s the same as when kids deny dropping the orange juice and then quickly back pedal by saying it was an accident.  The second is a more considered lie.  You’ve taken the time to think it up and equip the lie with plausibility or plausible deniability.  The third type of lie is harder to detect because it’s part of a web of lies that you’ve created so well that parts of your own mind believe what you are saying.

    In Kendra’s case, the problem was that she registered as truthful.  There was no sign of mental illness.

    “When we collided up there,” she said, “you blurted something about teleportation.  What was that all about?”

    Kendra really wanted to talk about this.  She desperately wanted someone to trust.

    “Look,” I said, “I might have figured out something about you.  But I get the feeling you really want to share your story, but it’s risky for you.  I don’t mind discussing something with you, but you need to be sure.  Really sure.  Here’s my offer.  Take time to think; if you still want to talk, I bet that you’ll find me tomorrow.  If we ‘bump into each other’ again, I’d be happy to talk.”

    I picked up my pita sandwich and walked out of the food court.  I felt a little sad because I realized I too shared her wish to talk.

    ***

    The next day found me not a stone’s throw from the Eaton’s Centre at the new (to me) location of the Silver Snail Comic shop.  I am the lamest shopper in the universe and I figured for the people who had a sense of humour, stuff from this store would work.  I mean, who doesn’t need more superhero action figures?  In the case of my two sons, if the action figures came with money, that was always appreciated from the odd duck father.

    Kendra’s presence had been pinging in and out of my mind and it was becoming difficult to tell if it was because I wanted to meet her again, or if she were actually physically popping in an out of my sensory range.

    In the comic shop I was holding my purchases when I found her looking at some large bound collections of Avengers past issues.

    “Kendra,” I said, “what a surprise.”

    “Steve,” she said.

    “Stephen, with a PH,” I corrected.

    “Ooooh.  OK, Stephen-with-a-PH, what do we have here?”  Kendra started taking my as-yet-unpaid-for-purchases from my hands.  “Who’s the Wonder Woman action figure for?”

    “My sister-in-law.  She puts up with my kid brother,” I replied.

    “Hey, can we go talk?  I’m starving.”

    “Let me buy my stuff.  Where do you want to go?”

    “I need a steak.”

    Food was very important to Kendra.

    ***

    Barberian’s on Elm Street found us a quiet corner for a late lunch.  I was having a steak sandwich and Kendra ordered a 20 ounce rib steak.  (I don’t know if I ever could have eaten that much.)  On the way over, we had some basic get-to-know-you talk which was more about shopping and the difficulty of buying presents for relatives.

    Once in the restaurant, she asked “So, how do you know?”

    “You mean about your high level of maneuverability?”

    “Yes,” she said

    “I’m psychic,” I said.

    “Get out.  That explains a lot.  You have to block stuff out of your head to stay sane, right?  I figure I’m able to feel people’s minds before I arrive so I can avoid bumping into them.  So, I bet you were blocking yesterday and that led me to bump into you.”

    “Part of me,” I said, “has trouble believing you.  How does it work?”

    She paused; jaw and lips were tense.  “You do realize I’ve never talked about this to anyone.  Ever.”

    “I’m getting that,” I said.

    “All right then,” she said, “I think I’m good with people.  I’ve travelled … a lot.  Let me guess stuff about you and then you can try to outdo me.”

    “Go ahead.”

    “OK,” she said, “You are single.”

    “Divorced.”

    “You have two small children.”

    “My two boys are at University.”

    “Wow you started early. 43 years old?”

    “45.”

    “You’re a teacher.”

    “I’m a criminologist.”

    “A psychic criminologist?”

    “I don’t discuss the first part when I’m working.”

    “OK, Stephen-with-a-ph, my last impression is that you live alone.”

    “Correct.  Now it’s my turn.”

    I actively avoid doing this kind of parlour trick because it’s usually freak-out inducing and it puts stuff in my head I don’t want.  However, in Kendra’s case, I made an exception.  I relaxed a little and looked into her eyes.

    “Kendra Baumann.  Kendra’s your middle name.  Your Korean mother named you Min-seo and your ½ German, ½ Welsh immigrant father provided your middle name and surname.”

    Kendra gasped.

    “Despite you looking as young as my kids, you are 33 years old.  Born I think in the Toronto area.”

    “Thornhill,” she said.

    “Your father passed away from an illness when you were 10.  Your mother emotionally retreated.  She was never outgoing like you.  You figured out how to teleport at age 5 – something about a dark room.  That’s a tough one as you’re hiding that part.”

    “Stop,” she said.

    “OK,” she continued, “I’ll give you the basics.  When I was a kid, I realized I could teleport places I knew well or could see.  As I got older I realized that I could travel large distances.  Also, I realized I could go to places I’d seen on TV – even if I had not been there before.”

    “But not a place on a map?  It has to be visual?” I asked.

    “Yes.  Visual and, before I get there, I can feel the air and sometimes hear noises.”

    “Can you take things with you?  Like a whole suitcase?”  I had a feeling that there was a trauma around this so I was trying to ease into it.

    “Inorganic material only and not much of it.   You see the farther I go, the more weight I lose.  I pretty much have to eat right after a big trip.”

    This explained the steak.

    “Say you had a fly on your jacket when you went, what happens?”

    “It dies.”

    There was an obvious follow-on question but, seeing she was thinking please don’t ask, I chose to skip it.

    “It occurs to me that when I first thought about what you do, I was thinking more Star Trek or Dr. Who.  But if what you do is actually natural, it makes sense that nothing that wasn’t you would be allowed because you could take invasive species anywhere.”

    “Hmmm, maybe, but I’m still a freak.”

    “Yeah … get in line.”

    Her phone in her jacket made a high pitched chirping sound.

    “Excuse me,” she said.  “Work.”

    She pulled out the largest Samsung cell/smart phone I’d ever seen and started tapping away at it.  “Oh, man.  Lebanon?”  She then started swiping away at what looked like an airline schedule.

    “What do you do for a living?” I asked.

    “Courier.”

    “You must save a lot on gas.”

    “Ha ha.  Very funny.  No, I’m a private courier that specializes in very last minute deliveries worldwide.”

    “Why the airline schedule?” I asked.

    “You’re the psychic and criminologist, what do you think?”

    The trick with being a psychic is that if you have it turned on all the time, you go crazy with all the dreck that comes in.  As a result I find the mental discipline of simply figuring it out for myself quite enjoyable.

    “I get it.” I said.  You pretend that you are taking the next flight wherever.  Or, better yet, have a pretend network of frequent fliers who are happy to take packages.  But in the end you do most of it yourself.

    “Pretty much.  I have a network of trusted local couriers who deliver packages when it’s time to put the material into the recipients’ hands.  That way I don’t have to hang around in sometimes rather unpleasant locales.  I still look like a miracle worker as opposed to an impossible miracle worker.”

    “Pays well?” I asked.

    She turned her smartphone screen to me with a dollar figure on it.  I took in a breath.

    “Half up front.  Half on delivery.”  She beckoned for the server and quickly settled the bill.

    “I should pay my half,” I said.

    “Please,” she said, “I hope you’re not one of those guys who can’t handle a woman paying the bill.  Besides, you couldn’t handle my food bill.”

    We finished lunch and she said, “Look, I have to go.  But give me your phone number.  The universe finally granted me a wish and I am not losing it.”

    “What wish?”

    “Someone I can talk to about my life without having to lie.  This is a gift and maybe even meant-to-be.”

    We traded phone numbers and she then stood up and looked around to see if anyone was watching and did something she’d never knowingly done before.  Vanished in front of someone.  There was a quiet “whup” noise.  Like someone taking a quick breath.  And that was it.  If it weren’t for the plates from her meal, I would have had doubt that our conversation had ever occurred.

    ***

    Two days later, I received a call from Jacques at the Sûreté du Québec.  (I only call them the Quebec Provincial Police, or QPP, when they aren’t in earshot.)  It seems there was another body found that loosely met the pattern I’d been working on.  It’s just too much to put down here, but Jacques was working on a series of disappearances in the Montreal area that were confined to the South Shore and Highway 20 toward Cornwall, Ontario.  A couple of years earlier, Jacques invited me in on the case to see if I could shed light on the killings.  The deaths were always violent and the burials were always in a fetal position, with hands in a prayer position.

    Jacques was uploading information to a secure site and would text me when it was done.  In my Danforth apartment, I had a specially modified armoire that folded out with information about the case and a large map.  I opened it up and started to look at the material.  It was important for my sanity (and occasional visitor) that I could hide this monster case away.

    I had a folder of missing persons.  Henri Tremblay was a professor from McGill who went missing two weeks ago.  I placed a green pin on my map showing his last known location and a red pin for where he was found near Saint-Zotique.

    Then I got a twinge.  Normally I detect people more in advance.  I went to the door and opened it.  Kendra was about to knock.  “I’d ask how you got in without buzzing but that would be silly.”

    “You must have totally sucked when your kids wanted to give a surprise party.”

    “Totally.  Come in.  So … how was Lebanon?”

    “A bit too close to Syria for me.”

    “How did you find me?”

    She was looking around my one bedroom apartment.  I got the impression she was the type to snoop in the bathroom medicine cabinet.

    “Jeez Stephen-with-a-ph, there’s this thing called the Internet.  You keep a relatively subtle digital profile, but you are there.”

    Kendra saw my open armoire and said “Whoa, is this what you are working on?”

    Did I forget to close the armoire?  Or, like her, did I want someone with whom I could share my work?

    “There’re some pretty graphic pictures and I’m kind of under a confidentiality agreement,” I said.

    “Oh, come on.  Walk me through it.  Is this one case?”

    “To me it is, but I work for three different detectives (they all have different funky titles) in Quebec, Ontario and New York State.  For a lot of reasons, they don’t see the links I see.  Typically they call me in to do a reading on suspects to see if they’re worth digging into.  People are generally horrible liars, but the police become so bogged down in the trail of evidence that they lose their people sense.  There are only perpetrators and victims, it seems.”

    “So are you seeing something they aren’t?”

    “Sort of.”  I opened the laptop dedicated to this investigation and opened up the files on Professor Tremblay.  “My detective associate with the Sûreté sent me this because it met the basic parameters of the other mystery deaths.”

    “He’s dead?”

    “Yes.  You knew him.”

    “Sort of.  I took Economics from him at McGill for three weeks before I left the class.”

    “Why’d you leave the class?”

    “His interest in the female students and regular invitations to sit closer was creepy.  He also was showing early signs of rice fever.”

    “What?”

    “You know.  Rice fever.  White guys who are sexually obsessed with Asian girls.”

    I looked at her blankly.

    “Honestly,” she said, “Where have you been?”

    “Uh, raising two strapping boys with my rather white ex-wife.”

    “Nevermind.  The guy was a perv.”

    “Did he ever get in official trouble?”

    “Not that I recall.”

    I Googled him doing a deeper search on Montreal news sites and university pages and there was nothing official.  Most profs these days have horrible things written on student blogs and the clutter made finding real information difficult.

    “Why are you looking?”

    “He was shot in the genitals before being shot in the head before being buried in a fetal prayer position in a shallow grave.”

    “I see your point.”  Kendra was very interested in my map.  Without all the pins on it, the outlined area looked like this.

    “How accurate are the pins?” Kendra asked.

    “Fairly I guess.”

    “So they aren’t to actual latitude/longitude values?”

    “No, no.”

    “I want your data.  This pin collection might reveal something.  There’s a hint that the drop spots are deliberate.  Do you have a USB key?  I can just pull it all off the laptop.”

    I hesitated because I didn’t want to have this stuff “out there”.

    “Don’t worry,” she said.  “I won’t transmit any of this.  It’ll stay on the key drive and on my laptop.”

    “OK.  You don’t have to do this.”

    “I love a good puzzle,” she said.  “Besides, I’m thinking this may be what I was meant to do.”

    “Destiny is a big thing with you,” I said.

    “Let me guess.  You think life is a roll of the dice.”

    “Pretty much.  Maybe it’s an excuse not to believe in some supernatural being in the clouds.  I also find that destiny is a convenient excuse for bad bahaviour.  But, hold on.  We’re off topic because you dropped by and I haven’t asked why.”

    “Well, you are the only person who knows.  It was so refreshing that I had to come by for more of the feeling of not having to keep a secret.”

    I handed her a USB keydrive and she went to my laptop.  I told her the names of the main folders with the case information.  As it copied, she asked, “You have anything to eat?”

    We went to my kitchen.  She opened the fridge.  “Wow, you don’t eat much.”

    “Uh, no.”

    “Kids don’t come over?”

    “Not much.  One doesn’t talk to me and the other worries about me.”

    Kendra grabbed a ½ litre yogurt container, found a spoon and ate it all.

    “If you are going to come over like this I’m going to have to buy more food,” I said.  But then for some reason it made me think that now she’d been inside the apartment, she could just pop in at any time.  “When you come over next time, you’re going to still knock, right?”

    She frowned and made a pouty lower lip.  “Yes, I promise.”  She walked back to my computer, removed the key drive and said, “Well, since you don’t have a good enough computer, and almost no food, I’m going to take this data home and see if I’m right.”

    “Right about what?”

    “Never you mind.”  And before I could read her mind she was gone.

    ***

    It was Christmas week before Kendra reappeared.  I got a text.  It said, “Stay out of the living room.”  I heard some soft steps coming from the living room, which kind of freaked me out, but then her voice said.  “Come on in for a surprise.”

    I walked into the living room and said, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

    She said nothing.  Taped to my wall were two large diagrams.  One was an enlarged image of a drawing of the human lung, obviously taken from a medical text book.  The other was my map, enlarged to the same scale, with pins more accurately placed than before.

    “Do you see what I see?” she asked.

    “Yes.  That’s extremely creepy.”  The placement of the pins were close to being the outline of the lung diagram.  Someone was killing people and dumping the bodies in very particular places to form an outline of a human lung.

    “However, on a lighter note,” I said, “you look lovely.  At a party?”

    “Yes, sort of.  I took a few of my trusted New York couriers out to dinner.”

    I was in my bathrobe, unshaven, and felt pretty scruffy compared to her wearing a black dress, spiffy boots and a lined leather jacket.  “Is texting five microseconds before popping in considered the same as knocking?” I asked.

    “I think if you washed up and put some real clothes on, I could load all my additional findings about your case onto your laptop.  Then I’ll take you to dinner.  I’m starving.”

    ***

    At a Greek restaurant on the Danforth, we went over Kendra’s analysis.  Her work removed any doubt.  All this horror was one person’s work.  Someone had been at this grisly project for at least three years.  What was baffling was, despite the consistent shallow grave and fetal position dumping method, the ways people were killed and what type of people were killed were hugely varied.  All races, ages and genders plus knives, guns and blunt objects.

    In addition, the murders crossed three distinct jurisdictions.  Quebec, Ontario and New York State.  Coordination between the SQ, OPP and New York State Police was limited.  Add Homeland Security and Canadian Border Services into the mix and it was a real tangle.

    “You don’t think we’d get any help from the police,” Kendra asserted.

    “To make these agencies listen to us we’d have to have a smoking gun, DNA evidence, a written confession and extensive Fox News coverage.”

    “And your psychic stuff … you have no reading on the killer?”

    “None.”

    “Is that odd for you?”

    “Yes and no.  I haven’t seen all the scenes.  I haven’t interviewed anyone in connection to it.  So I don’t have the personal touch that I do when I help in other cases.”

    “Would it help to visit the dump sites for the bodies?”

    “Probably,” I said. “But that would take ages.”

    “Not if I go.  I could take pictures, talk to you on the phone when I visit.”

    “I’d have to psychically tag you.  It’s something I’ve only done to my kids and my ex-wife, before we were exes.  It allows me to tune into their frequency and know where they are.”

    “Hey, no problem,” Kendra said.  “You’ll see a lot of the world.”

    “You don’t understand.  It’s intrusive to the person that’s tagged.  It makes NSA surveillance look like my grandmother listening in on the old telephone party lines at the cottage.”

    “Stephen-with-a-ph, I’m expecting by this stage you can control yourself and not drop in on me when I’m flossing and stuff.  By the way, why did you and your wife break up?”

    “Uh.  I read her mind when we were young and did everything possible to make her fall in love with me.  It worked great.  We got married, had the two boys and time flew by.  My anticipation of her needs and wishes … it wasn’t enough.  Had I not had my ‘gift’ I doubt she would have given me the time of day.  Were we really meant for each other when the deck was stacked?”

    “You just juxtaposed romantic predetermination with the random chance of a card game.”

    “Mixed metaphors.  My favourite is let’s burn that bridge when we come to it.”

    “So, what do you do to tag someone?”

    I reached for her ears and very gently and slowly brought my hands down to cup her chin.  I let the texture of her skin, the smell of her perfume and the light weight of her hair linger on me.  I looked in her eyes and memorized her.  When I let go I took a deep breath.

    “Done.”

    “Wow, I got shivers,” she said.

    ***

    In the end Kendra jumped to seven sites in two provinces and one state where the killer had buried bodies.  There was a consistent rural feel to the locations.  I tried having Kendra walk around the sites the way the killer might have.  When she was back, we augmented the computer files as much as possible.  Kendra was a whiz with this stuff.

    On December 22nd, Kendra became busy with the courier business.  I decided to take a nap on my couch.  Normally my flashes of insight are during waking hours, and for me sleep is typically a psychic repair time.  The nightmare I had was of a crazed green-eyed version of Kendra trying to strangle me, one handed, and she wore black leather gloves.

    I fell off the couch, woke and realized something.  The killer was a woman.  I pulled myself to the laptop and tried to sort out what had come to me.  The symbolism of the fetal positions was sending the people back to the womb.  Penance.  Renewal.  Rebirth.  The violence to the people prior to this was plain anger.  When I flipped through all the victims’ profiles, none were saints.  Even the children had a history of behavioural issues.  In my mind a demented female mind was disciplining these people and sending them back for rebirth.

    I had no evidence.  My idea was so out there, I wasn’t sure I’d even tell Kendra when I next saw her.

    Dream states are very weird and when there’s missing information, it grabs what’s handy and drops it in.  I had a feeling I’d know the killer if I ever saw her.

    My phone rang.  It was the OPP.  “Commander Hawthorne, how are you?”

    “Stephen, is there any way you can come look at a scene we have in Brockville?”

    “When?”

    “Now.  The road reports are showing the 401 as pretty good sailing.”

    “What’s the urgency?”

    “This one matches your portfolio.  There’s also a problem.  The site was uncovered by an excavator during a farm house burst pipe repair.  There’s a storm in the forecast that’s going to ruin the rest of the site.”

    “Ship me the details.”

    “Your stay is already booked at the Best Western and I’m sending details to your secure email.”

    ***

    I debated, but I decided not to let Kendra know I was on the move.  As far as I could tell, she was flitting about the South Pacific.  According to Hawthorne the find was a couple of years old.  Kendra had not only plotted our lung diagram based on the locations of the find, but also had an animation showing the order in which the killings occurred.  I wasn’t sure what that told me, but it did look pretty cool.

    It was the usual boring four hour drive to Brockville.  (In winter, boring is good.)  Hawthorne was waiting for me at the burial scene.  From what I could gather the couple living in the nearby farm house was totally freaked out.  While trying to fix the burst pipe, they had dug out from the house to locate the problem and uncovered the body.  The OPP had a tent with big lights to protect the scene.  The body was a male, in the classic fetal prayer position and had died from head trauma.

    “What do you think made the head injuries?”

    “Baseball bat is my bet,” said Hawthorne.

    Something else I noticed was that all of the victims were facing the water.  Another part of the renewal symbolism?

    “Has he been ID’d yet?”

    “No, we have to get him out and to the lab.  Obviously I’ve got one of my guys going over slightly older missing persons reports.”

    I was looking at the scene trying to look for an indication of my green-eyed woman.  Any hint of a woman at all.  The fact that only about 15% of serial killers are women led me to want to keep my trap shut until there was something resembling evidence.

    “Anything new?” asked Hawthorne.

    “Yes, but I don’t know if it helps.  There’s symbolism to all this that you can see from this.”  I handed Hawthorne a map of the entire Ontario/Quebec/New York State area that I’d been looking at with Kendra’s more accurate markings.  There were no other indicators on the sheet.

    “Are you serious?” asked Hawthorne.

    “Yep.  All fetal position.  All turned to look at the water.  Zero in the DNA/Fingerprints department.”

    “Crap.  Have your contacts in Quebec and New York seen this?”

    “No,” I said.  “I just refined this.  Turn the sheet over.”  Hawthorne looked at the picture of a lung.

    “That’s unbelievable,” Hawthorne said.

    “That’s why I haven’t brought it up.”

    “Why now?”

    “The SQ pulled one this week in Saint-Zotique.”

    “Look we’ve got to pull up stakes here.  Can you write a summary of them and ship it to me?  I need to see if I can get permission to connect the dots properly.”

    “OK.  I’ll do it over the holidays,” I said.

    ***

    Back at the Best Western, my intent was to order a late dinner and go to bed.  I decided to text Kendra and let her know I was in Brockville and that Hawthorne was interested in the analysis.

    Now, before you say “Hey why didn’t you see that coming?” realize that just because I can detect people near me doesn’t mean it always works.

    As I was getting out of my car, a lady walked through the parking lot, saying, “Excuse me, do you have the time?”  And then she tasered me.  I felt the pain and I hit the ground like a sack of potatoes.

    ***

    I woke up zip tied and duct-taped to a Muskoka chair.  I had a strange taste in my mouth.  I figured I’d been drugged.  Conducted energy weapons don’t normally render you unconscious.

    And there she was.  Green eyes, black gloves.  She looked nothing like Kendra.  Sandy blond-coloured hair and Caucasian.  I was in serious trouble and the panic wanted to surge.

    She, on the other hand, did appear panicked.  And, judging by the vibe, borderline psychotic.  She simply wasn’t sure what was real.

    “Who are you?” she asked.

    “Stephen.”

    “You were at the crime scene.”

    “Yes.  I hate to ask an obvious question, but why am I here?”

    As she thought about the answer I picked out of her mind that she was indeed the killer and that her intent was to kill me.  This begged the question as to how she knew about me.  However, a more pressing question needed to be asked.

    “I’m very fond of rustic barn architecture but, where am I?”

    Her mind gave me that we were east of Cornwall, further east down the 401.

    “What do you know about me?” she asked.

    I was getting more anxious as her fear grew.  I needed to be able to read her mind.  The Muskoka chair was slightly wobbly; it had not been a quality item and this was a good thing.

    “What do you know about me?” she repeated.  She had a hint of a Quebecois accent.

    I looked right into her eyes and dug into her mind a little.

    “Celine?  Seriously that’s your name?” I said out loud.

    She slapped me.  Hard.

    “Do you sing?  Married to an older man?”

    She slapped me again, even harder.  I took the moment of pain to absorb details of the barn I was in.  Every sound.  Every scent.

    “You should know,” I said, “that I have a file on 53 killings that I can link to you.  It doesn’t matter if you kill me and try to send me back to where ever the heck you think all the others went after you buried them.”

    She pulled out a ball peen hammer.  I simply cannot describe how much it hurts for a hammer like that to land on the top of your hand.

    KENDRA!!

    In my mind I yelled for her.  I pushed out into her mind where I was with every detail, every smell.  Everything.  If this worked, I thought, she’ll have one hell of a headache.

    My other hand took a blow from the hammer.

    “Where do you keep your files?” she screamed.

    I started laughing through the pain because Kendra was on the toilet in a London hotel.

    Celine punched me.  It was odd I could not pull out of her mind what her full name was, but for some reason she was worried I’d find seven more bodies.

    “Jesus lady, seven more?  Do you have no sense of proportion?”

    Kendra popped into the barn behind Celine.

    “What the hell are you doing?” yelled Kendra.

    Celine spun around fast and lunged at Kendra with the hammer.  Kendra executed a deft Taekwondo block and kicked Celine in the knee.  I forced myself up and ran hard against a barn pillar and partly broke the chair.  I saw Celine pull a knife and slash at Kendra.

    Kendra screamed, but managed to block the second thrust of the blade.

    “Kendra,” I yelled.  “You have to do it now!  She’s psychotic strong!”

    I took a second run at the beam and broke more of the chair off me.  By the time I looked up, they were gone.  Another two hits against the beam and I could stand up properly.  I ran outside.

    In a couple of inches of snow, Kendra was kneeling, crying and holding her side.

    Celine was seriously dead.  I touched her body and it was warm, but the skin and flesh were slack.  It was like what I read bodies were like after about two days of decomposition at room temperature.

    “Was that the serial killer?”  Kendra asked.

    “Yes.”

    “Bitch.”

    “Look,” I said, “you are bleeding a lot.  Can you do a jump?  Like to St. Michael’s Emergency?  Do you know it?  Make up a story of getting stabbed outside a club or something.  You simply can’t be found here.”

    “You’ll come and get me?”

    “As fast as I can.  I’ve been tasered and drugged and, uh, hammered; it may be tomorrow.”

    “OK.  I’m feeling faint,” she said.  “Gotta go.  Stand back.”

    She was gone.  My problems at the moment included getting the bits of chair off me and extricating my personal belongings from a rather disgusting dead body.  My hands weren’t working so well and it took a minute to retrieve my cell phone and my car keys.  I had been abducted with my own car, which was handy.

    I took the knife that Celine had used on Kendra to cut the tape and zip ties from me.  I was expecting a bloody blade, but it was clean.  Not a drop.  I was puzzled, but it occurred to me that when Kendra did her jump thing, she literally took all of herself with her.  This meant that nothing of Kendra was at this scene.

    It occurred to me that I should do the same for myself.  I thought that when someone found this soon-to-be-frozen corpse, it would be quite the mystery.  I hoped that the snowstorm would cover my car tracks.  I put the pieces of the Muskoka chair in the trunk of my car and drove back to the Best Western in Brockville.  I got into my room unseen and ordered room service.  Buckets of ice and Tylenol were used to try to alleviate the swelling in my hands.  I was developing a whopper of a black eye too.

    It frustrated me that I could not call Kendra.  But to try to drive at night for four hours with swollen hands … it didn’t take a psychic to predict what would happen.

    ***

    On December 24, I finally managed to sneak into St Michael’s Hospital and visit Kendra.  I had texted her so she knew I made it back from Brockville in one piece, but the hospital was not allowing anyone but family to visit.

    When I arrived she was sitting up in bed and staring at the hospital food.  I walked in and put a gigantic smoked meat sandwich in front of her.

    “Don’t let the nurse see this,” she said.

    “Knowing you, it won’t last long.”

    She looked at my face.  “You look like crap.”

    “You look great.  The hospital gown is so you.”

    She dug into the sandwich.  “I still have a headache because of you.”

    “Sorry.  Unusual circumstances.”

    “So, who was she?”

    “A 35-year-old wife of a Canadian Border Services agent.”

    “Get out.”

    “It explains a lot from a ‘how’ perspective, but not from a ‘why’ point of view.”

    “Do you think we’ll ever know?”

    “It depends on what they find in her home.  I bet she kept mementos.  I hope so because when I read her mind, there were seven more graves and that should not ignored.”

    “Ick.  But maybe we can figure it out from the data.”

    “Are you OK with how this worked out?  I know there’s an old trauma for you regarding teleporting living things.”

    “Well, with 53 dead, and me with a big knife wound, I really can’t work up much guilt or regret.  You were right to tell me to do it.”

    “I’ve never been in a situation like that before,” I said.

    “Hey, so what’s our next case?” Kendra asked.

    “Huh.  Don’t know.  Personally, I’m taking the rest of the year off.”

  • 2012:  Omicron Cassiopeiae

    2012: Omicron Cassiopeiae

    Recap

    (See The Smudge on Orion’s Belt for details.)

    In 2008, Mélanie Beauchamp discovered an usual object heading toward Earth.  On December 25, 2009 she was witness to The Beauchamp Object being manoeuvred into orbit around Earth.  The Object was the first piece of alien space junk ever, measuring 350 km long, 140 km at its widest and 70 km at its highest.

    And there it sat, in a slowly decaying orbit.

    January 27, 2012 – Earth Orbit

    Astronaut Alexander Gerst was standing on the Beauchamp Object, having executed another metallurgical test on the object.  The general consensus was that he was standing on the hull of a spaceship, debris from a wreck.  His equipment panel showed what was shown in every other previous test in the last two years:  nothing.

    There was simply no known way to get a sample of the hull.  Waiting for the orbit to complete, he wondered how an object so spectacular could be so resistant to investigation.  The markings on the hull were incomprehensible.  The consensus was that The Object had an interior, but no access port had been found.  Portions of The Object had been heated to extreme heats and the energy seemed to disappear.  Matter and energy may not be able to be created or destroyed, but the Beauchamp Object sure knew how to hide energy.

    Gerst waited for the Space Station to swing by.  They’d invented a space hook device to snag researchers off The Object.  It was always a bit of a thrill ride.  As he waited he saw another of the attitude control jets from 2009 misfire and then shut down.  It was the astronaut’s opinion that something else had to be done with this behemoth.

    February 16, 2012 McGill University Campus, Montreal

    Mélanie Beauchamp was presenting a lecture at McGill University.  PHYS 641 Observational Techniques of Modern Astrophysics was a popular course.  Undergrads wanted to take it, but Mélanie was fairly choosy.  The University was continuing to enjoy the benefits of her celebrity from 2009.

    Near the end of the lecture, there was an unusual amount of murmuring and babbling.  She was unsure of what it was until she caught a glimpse of her hair.  It was Bella.  It had been a long time since she last saw her sister.  Mélanie headed to the back of the hall.  “‘Allo Bella.  Comment ça va?”  Boys always stayed close to Bella due to her attractants, specifically her red hair (dyed), large bust (augmented), plump lips (modified) and regular use of leather as her predominant signature outerwear.

    Bella was Mélanie’s half-sister, eight years younger.

    “OK guys,” said Mélanie, “take a hike.”

    Once the hormonal undergrads had left, Bella said, “Dernièrement, j’ai eu beaucoup de visions. [Lately, I have had many visions.]”

    Bella was not only a fetish model but also a self-proclaimed psychic.  With the age difference and different fathers, Melaine was not close to her sister; the distance was made greater through Bella’s choice of profession.

    “Quel type de visions?”

    “Tu donnais un discours important. À la télévision. Ou dans un film.”

    “You dreamt I was on TV?  J’ai souvent apparu à la television.”

    “Non, non j’étais éveillé.  Mais tu portais une robe de mariée.”

    “Tu es venu tout le chemin à une classe astrophysique pour me dire cela?  [You came all the way to an astrophysics class to tell me this?]”

    “Ça m’achalait vraiment.  [It was really bugging me.]”

    “Toi t’es vraiment spécial.  [You’re such a nut.]  Have you had lunch?  Let’s go to the café and see how many students you can distract.”

    September 12, 2274 – Command Meeting Room – The Odyssey – Omicron Cassiopeiae             The Odyssey was a super freighter space ship heading toward Omicron Cassiopeiae, 910 light years from Earth. Martin was the Commander and was in the midst of a conference with his Executive Officers.

    “Are you serious?”  asked XO Jassel

    “I have to agree,” said the second XO.  “Surely we aren’t outfitting this ship for battle, in transit, just to blow it up.”

    “Look,” said Martin, “There isn’t a single scenario that gives us a win.”

                The Odyssey was facing an enemy far beyond her capabilities.  About two years earlier, Earth ships had investigated the ternary star system Omicron Cassiopeiae and uncovered unusual gravitational fields between the stars.  Use of the ships’ displacement drives upset what was later determined to be an artificial field binding the stars together.  The subsequent discovery of ancient alien artifacts, followed by a hasty translation indicated that one alien race had imprisoned another.  The reason?  The other race were star eaters who would arrive in a star system and literally absorb the energy of the sun as food.

    Humans decided to call the trapped aliens Titans and the now long departed race that had entrapped them were nicknamed Olympians.  Despite having star ships, 23rd century humans felt as ill-equipped as ancient Greek shepherds trying to battle Zeus himself.

    March 28, 2012 – The White House, Washington DC

    The President was not in the mood.  NASA’s Chief Engineer had managed to arrange a small amount of precious meeting time with Barak Obama.

    “OK, Kenny, lay this out for me.”

    “Well Mr. President, The Object’s orbit is decaying and we’re losing the attitude control engines at a rate that will have this thing crashing down on our heads by Christmas.”

    “Since The Object has given us precious little data, I’m assuming you don’t think it will burn up in the atmosphere.”

    “You’re right sir.  We think it will actually absorb the energy from the friction and land harder as a result.”

    The President poured himself a glass of water.  “Well, that doesn’t sound good.  Tell me you have options.”

    “Yes.  Trying to upgrade the attitude control engines seems wasteful because it would be a continuous process and eventually it will come crashing down.  We’d to know more about The Object by now, but even if we could land it softly on Earth, we aren’t sure we want it on the ground.”

    “So … ” said the President.

    “We want to put it on the Moon.”

    April 3, 2012 McGill University Montreal, Office of Mélanie Beauchamp, PhD

    Mélanie answered her cellphone, “Pierre, how are you?”

    “I’m good.  I’m on my way back to Ottawa from DC.”  Pierre had managed to obtain very good consulting work with the Canadian Government after the successful placement of The Object into orbit.  Mélanie was glad not to be in the spotlight as much and Pierre was fond of the jet-setting.

    “What’s going on?”  asked Mélanie; Pierre rarely called just to say ‘allo.

    “It looks like they want to move The Object to the Moon.”

    “Get out.”

    “Really.  They feel that if the thing drops from orbit, it might have the heat energy to make a very, very big hole.”

    Mélanie was aware of The Object’s energy absorption qualities and agreed it would make a mess when it touched down.

    “What am I supposed to do about it?”

    “They want you to sell the plan to the public.”

    “Oh no.”

    “Oh yes.”

    “Pierre, I don’t think I could handle that circus again.”

    “The man who’s going to phone you next is not someone to say no to.”

    Mélanie’s phone started showing another incoming call.  “You are just the worst,” said Mélanie and she swapped to the other call.

    “‘Allo?”

    “Bonjour Melanie,” said a very American voice.  “This is Barak Obama.  It’s good to talk to you after so long.”

    September 12, 2274 – The Command Deck on The Odyssey

    The XO Jassel of The Odyssey was thinking out loud.  “In summary, you are saying we wait for the Titans to emerge.  Once we confirm they are real, we blow up the ship in such a way that displacement travel can’t work around Omicron Cassiopeiae.  At the same time the main section of this ship is propelled backward in time with a warning for our forebears to deal with Omicron Cassiopeiae differently.”

    “Yes,” said Martin.

    “That’s crazy.”

    “Yes, but in a good way.  We have no hope of beating the Titans with current technology.  We can slow them down, but unless we develop exciting solar mechanical engineering techniques in short order, we will be destroyed regardless.”

    “Everyone on this ship dies.”  The other XO made it sound like more of a statement than a question.

    “Oh yeah.  It stinks, but no one knows better than all of us that this was a one-way trip.”

    April 6, 2012 – Restaurant l’Académie, rue Crescent, Montreal

    Mélanie deliberately arrived early to use wine on her nerves and to think.  She was arguing with herself about asking Luc to do security again.  In early 2010, he asked her out and they had more than a year together as a couple.  His work took him away often, abruptly and it was always top secret and dangerous.  They had broken up eight months earlier on fairly amicable terms – as break-ups went.  She convinced herself that they were both sufficiently mature and professional that they could work out some arrangement.

    She was two glasses of wine ahead of Luc when he appeared.  Somehow a man Luc’s size should not be able to sneak up on anyone, but he startled her nonetheless.

    “You look wonderful,” he said.

    She looked at him.  He was still that chiselled, insanely fit pure laine Québécois with the sturdy jaw that they all seemed to have.  “Did you somehow develop even broader shoulders since I last saw you?  How is that possible?”

    Luc laughed.  “Maybe.  I do have to custom tailor my suits.”  He picked up her glass of wine and sniffed it.  “What are you drinking?”

    “L’oiseau Bleu.”

    “Blech.  That won’t do.”  Luc ordered something French in the $80 range.

    Mélanie sat blinking at him.  “What are you doing?”

    “Ordering good wine.  I haven’t seen you in what, eight months?  I’m not drinking swill.”

    “I got a phone call from Barak Obama yesterday.”  Mélanie was trying to sound casual.

    “Really.  Most people don’t get to say that in casual conversation.  Is he looking for re-election help?”

    Mélanie leaned forward and took his hand, as if to make an intimate gesture, and whispered in his ear, “they want to move it to the Moon.”

    “Wow.”  Luc sat back, but kept holding her hand.  At first he thought she was being cheeky about the Barak Obama statement, but he took an extra second to look at her face and assess the lines and crinkles around the eyes and realized she was worried.

    “What’s he wanting you to do?  Please use generic terms,” said Luc.

    “The role is, effectively, Head of Marketing.”

    “So, the cost of this manoeuvre is high.”

    “Totally.  The Europeans and the Russians are on board.  Technically they all understand the risk of this thing falling on our heads.”

    “How can I help?”

    “I need security again and I asked for the right to choose my own team, which I received.  I thought you could help me.  In ’09 I was as afraid of you and the others as much as I was afraid of the freaks out there.  I’d like to avoid that problem this time.”

    “Who’s footing the bill?”

    “The President.”

    “Good.  Harper’s too cheap.”

    Mélanie laughed.

    “Look,” said Luc, “You’ve caught me off guard here, which is funny because I was hoping to surprise you.  But I’ll agree to help you, but I have to say something that might affect your request.  When you called, my extremely regular heartbeat spiked.  And I realized … I’ve been in love with you since I first met you. And I now refuse to lose a chance to ask.”

    Mélanie put her hand to her mouth.

    Luc presented her with an engagement ring in a velvet box.

    “Please marry me.”

    Mélanie burst into tears.

    “Is that a ‘yes’?”

    September 12, 2274 – Engineering Division Conference Room, The Odyssey

    Martin recalled his officers for the second half of the meeting.  The Odyssey was a hive of activity as everyone was working to prepare the ship.  The problem Martin faced was timing.  Sending the largest piece of the ship’s hull backward through time was not like boarding a bus with a regular schedule.

    “I suspect that at least two of you will be wondering if the section of the hull will arrive anytime in the past where it will be useful.”

    “We did wonder.  The mathematics indicates the early 21st century.  Will they be able to understand it?”

    “Not without help. We’ll need to communicate with someone back then so that they’ll understand to put the wreck on the Moon.”

    The officer in charge of the Science Division groaned. “You’re not planning to use that bio link time tunnelling trick are you?”

    “Of course,” said Martin.

    “It is so … flaky.”

    “Look, all of this is a huge bet.  If we’re really, really lucky the aliens will have died in that artificial gravity well and this will be a giant waste of time.  However, if there’s a chance to send a little hint to the past, then we all have the pleasure of helping avoid this stupid, stupid mistake our civilization made.”

    “And we’ll probably cease to exist.”

    “Well, probably.  Or we die horribly.  Either way it’s for a good cause.”

    May 5, 2012 – St. Peter’s Anglican Church, Sherbrooke Quebec

    Bella was helping Mélanie with her wedding dress.  The plan was for a small wedding with a small group of family and friends, but despite the speed, was a dignified affair.

    “This is all very traditional,” said Bella, who was still perplexed by the white dress’s train.

    “Uh-huh.  This coming from the woman who’s wearing an all leather pink maid of honour dress.”

    “Hey, you called me a woman and not a girl,” said Bella.

    “It must be the stress.”

    “Don’t you feel weird?”  Bella gestured to all the trappings of the 1850s church.  “This is all so traditional.”

    “I blame Luc.  He’s the Protestant, which in a way is a good thing because the Roman Catholics would never have let us get married this fast.”

    Bella and Mélanie had concluded that the visions Bella had had a month earlier were in anticipation for the TV coverage – camera crews were waiting for them to leave the church.  Even President Obama had sent greetings, which by themselves were enough to garner media attention.

    During seemingly endless fussing over Mélanie’s dress, the Minister interrupted them.  “Just to let you know ladies … show time in 20 minutes.

    “Damn,” said Mélanie.  “I have to go pee.”

    “Do you want help?” asked Bella.  “With the dress,” she added.

    “No, no.  I’m OK.”

    The church’s washroom in the vestry had space enough to manoeuvre with the dress.  Someone was thinking ahead.  When Mélanie stepped out, she felt like she was no longer in the church.  She was surrounded by white light.

    “Hi,” said Martin.  “I’m Martin, commander of the space vessel The Odyssey.  Sorry to disturb you.”

    “What the hell …”

    “I have one quick question.  Do you live in an age where a large space artifact has been discovered?”

    “Yes.  In fact I discovered it.  Who the hell are you really?”

    “Excellent!  I’ve had a couple of false starts in this process.  It’s good to connect with the right person.”

    “Answer the question, Martin.”

    “I’m talking to you from the 23rd century.  I’m using a time tunnelling technique that allows images of ourselves to communicate.”

    Mélanie looked around.  It seemed they were in a white room with glowing walls standing in front of one another.  Martin looked more of a nebbish than a commander.

    “Is this some kind of joke?” asked Mélanie

    “No.  Um, why are you dressed that way?  My research of the 21st century led me to expect something else.”

    “I’m getting married, you idiot.”

    “Oh!  Congratulations.  Look, it’s really important that the artifact is moved to the Moon.  It’s too dangerous to keep in orbit.”

    “We’re working on that.  Being from the future you really don’t know much, do you?  Can I go get married now?”

    “Don’t you want to know what the artifact really is and its purpose?”

    ***

    Mélanie was back, standing in the vestry.  She estimated that she had worked with Martin for about 30 minutes.

    “That was fast,” said Bella.

    “Was it?”

    “What’s wrong?  You look like you saw a ghost.”

    “I think the nerves are finally getting to me.”  There was more Mélanie wanted to tell her sister, but it was going to have to wait.  At least she learned one thing.  Precognition comes from faster-than-light energy projecting from the future.  Everyone receives the signals but only people like her sister can perceive them.

    “Is it show time?”  Mélanie asked.

    June 17, 2012 – Ed Sullivan Theatre, New York City

    David Letterman’s intern said:  “It’s show time Ms Beauchamp.”

    “Are you going to watch?”

    “Yes,” said Luc, “I liked this one last time.”

    She kissed Luc and left with the intern.

    On the monitor, Luc watched Letterman do his stuff.

    Letterman:  It’s going to be a bit crowded up here because I’ve got guests who are like the cousins who visit for Thanksgiving but don’t leave.  [Olivia Wilde and Denis Leary wave at the crowd and mime eating and drinking.]  Our next guest is, thankfully, a returning guest.  Please welcome from Montreal, Melanie Beauchamp, doctor of astrophysics and the person who first observed the Beauchamp Object, which is currently, precariously, orbiting our planet.

    Mélanie walked on stage to the theme of Jaws.  She waved at Paul and shook each of Denis, Olivia and David’s hands.

    Letterman:  Welcome back to the show.  How have you been?  You look great. Beauchamp:  Thank you.  I’m good.  Busy due to The Object.  It gave me a couple of years off, but now we have to work on it more. Letterman:  Didn’t you just get married? Beauchamp:  Yes. Letterman:  To your bodyguard. Beauchamp:  Only one of them. Letterman:  [pulling a photo out for the audience]  To this guy?  [the audience sees a picture of Luc standing beside other people and towering over them.] Leary:  Jeez.  That guy’s a moose. Wilde:  Denis! Leary:  C’mon.  Look at him.  What did he eat for lunch?  A linebacker? Beauchamp:  Yes, that’s Luc. Wilde:  It’s so sexy the way you say his name. LettermanAnd [pulling out a different photo] who’s this?  [It was a picture of Bella in her pink leather maid of honour dress.] Leary:  Holy cats. Wilde:  How’d she get into that dress? Letterman:  Please, let the real guest answer. Beauchamp:  That’s my half sister. Leary:  Which half? Beauchamp:  She was my maid of honour. Letterman:  I Googled her. Beauchamp:  That was probably not a good idea. Letterman:  My computer was so taken aback it rebooted. Beauchamp:  She’s a psychic. Leary:  Well, she certainly knows what men are thinking. Letterman:  We’ll be back in a minute after this break.

    During the break, Letterman thanked Mélanie for letting him bring up personal matters.  Leary and Wilde were into the mission and Letterman said, “we’ve only got a couple of minutes, so let’s give Melanie a chance to do her pitch.  Denis.”

    “What did I do?”

    Letterman:  Welcome back everyone.  Melanie’s job seems to be to make sure we all know why we’re moving something to the Moon that Scientific American called “the least cooperative discovery in human history.” Beauchamp:  This mission is so fun.  People will go to the moon for the first time in decades but in the least likely way.  A specialized crew is going to ride The Object to the Moon. Letterman:  And they’re doing this because if it falls out of orbit it will land with a big BOOM? Beauchamp:  Literally the only thing we know for sure is that The Object absorbs energy and keeps it somewhere, internally.  There’s just no way we want to see how much energy it has anywhere on Earth.  It’s about 215 miles long.  What scrap yard wants that landing on its head? Letterman:  But you don’t know what it’s made of. Beauchamp:  No clue.  It has not let us take a sample or analyze it. Letterman:  I was told you were asked to help by President Obama himself. Beauchamp:  Yes. Letterman:  Wow.  Did the Canadian government object? Beauchamp:  When the President of the United States calls to request the secondment of one of your people, what do you say? Letterman:  ‘Yes sir’? Beauchamp:  Pretty much. Letterman:  Ladies and gentlemen, up next are The Pierces. August 7, 2012 320 West 66th St., New York City

    Mélanie was joining Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Elizabeth Hasslebeck on The View.  The regularly scheduled guests included Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Gillian Flynn and Jane Seymour, all of whom wanted to meet Mélanie.

    Goldberg:  Our crowded show today is bolstered by Melanie Beauchamp who’s here to explain the next phase of weirdness around The Beauchamp Object.  Let’s give her a warm welcome.  [Everyone greets Mélanie.] Walters:  Welcome back.  I’ve done a lot of reading about The Object, as I notice you refer to it.  Is it as frustrating to the scientific community as it sounds? Beauchamp:  Absolutely.  When there’s a new discovery, normally regular scientific inquiry will give insight.  But with The Object in space, it’s difficult to analyze and there’s no way we’ve found to take a sample of the hull. Goldberg:  Hull.  So you believe it’s part of a spaceship. Beauchamp:  Given what I know, I’m pretty convinced. Hasselbeck:  Moving it to the Moon.  Is that the only option?  Washington is being very tight-lipped on what this is costing. Beauchamp:  I have no access to costing data, so I can’t help there, but I do know that continuously servicing the rockets that keep it in orbit will be a never-ending cost but the trip to the Moon is one time.  Other options were considered, like tossing it into the Sun, but since we have no idea what The Object is made of, it seemed like a bad idea. Goldberg:  So why not cut it loose and let it float away and be someone else’s problem? Beauchamp:  We have to move it to the Moon.

    Whoopi was taken aback by Mélanie’s earnestness.  In the Green Room, Luc was watching and realized that a nerve had been hit.  He’d accompanied Mélanie on hundreds of shows and interviews and had not seen this before.

    Jones:  I think we’ve seen on our own planet what happens … y’know … dump something somewhere for someone else to clean up. Beauchamp:  If you’re out on a boat and you see garbage floating by, aren’t you supposed to pick it up and take it to land, even though you personally didn’t put it in? Goldberg:  At 215 miles long, that ain’t noDixiecup floating in the water. Hasselbeck:  Obama asked you to help pitch the plan, right?  Did he mention how this would effect his re-election bid? Walters:  You’re a Canadian citizen though, right? Beauchamp:  Correct and I have not talked politics with him except to wish him luck.  And this is international.  Just like the first time, if this thing lands on our head, it’s a bad time for all.

    Back at their hotel, Luc asked, “did you get a little defensive with Whoopi Goldberg?”

    “Yes, I did.”

    “You have all the signs of someone who’s weighed down with a secret,” said Luc.

    Mélanie considered herself bad at keeping secrets and being married to a spy certainly didn’t make hiding one easier.  The good news was that it was not for long.

    “Look,” she said, “Didn’t Martin Sheen in your favourite movie say something like ‘Sir, I am not aware of any such activity or operation – nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did exist.’”

    “Pretty damn close.”

    “Consider me in that category, but also consider me a girl who needs desperately to go out with her handsome husband, a woman desperate to be part of the world and not some object on TV.”

    Luc pulled out a second cell phone, not the one Mélanie saw him normally use.  He typed “NY outing.  One hour” and pressed Send.

    “Should I ask?”

    “No.  I have a special kit for you.  Wig, dress, shoes.”  He pulled a case from the closet and popped it open.

    “Wow.  Blonde.  This is different.  Sexy.  Did you choose it?”

    “Your sister helped.”

    *** Four hours Later ***

    “Did you have to hit him that hard?”

    “Pretty much,” said Luc.  “Well, at least we had a couple of hours out before someone recognized you.”

    “Why are people so … crazed?”

    “A deadly combination of garden variety celebrity status, fear of the unknown and that Mayan prophecy drivel.  You are the lucky one; you understand The Object better than anyone.”

    “Let’s pack up and go to bed.  Don’t we go to California tomorrow for my guest spot on The Big Bang Theory?”

    “Yes.”

    September 18, 2012 – Warner Bros. Studios in Burbank, California

    Mélanie was sitting on stage with Michael J. Fox and Ellen DeGeneres.

    DeGeneres:  In my all-Canadian show today, I am first going to attempt to embarrass my second guest with pictures of her family.  [In the background were a couple of carefully cropped photos of Bella.]  Now this is my kind of sister.  Sadly, I have a brother. Fox:  And I thought I was twitchy before. Beauchamp:  Half sister. Fox:  Looks like a whole sister to me. DeGeneres:  Now that I’ve got your attention, let’s talk about the Moon.  [Image switches to a huge picture of the moon.]  So, I’m not all techie or anything so I asked Melanie if we could act out the mission to put The Object on the Moon.  Now we all know Michael is the Earth because he likes to be the centre of attention.  Melanie, you’ll be Mission Control so you’ll stand here.  [Mélanie moves to a pre determined spot.]  I’ve also got a couple of helpers from the audience.  [To Mélanie’s surprise, Bella comes on stage wearing a conservative suit exactly the same as Mélanie’s.  Mélanie is totally caught off guard.  They hug.  In the Green Room, Luc chortles.]

    It took a moment for Mélanie to compose herself after a short exchange in French with Bella.  Meanwhile, DeGeneres brings up three people from the studio audience.

    DeGeneres:  So, Susan, Tiffany and Don here are going to pretend to be The Object.  Bella is going to be the Moon – or maybe moons in her case – and Michael is going to be the Earth.  So, Melanie, how’s this going to work? Beauchamp:  OK.  Could Susan, Tiffany and Don please walk in an ellipse around Michael?  You’ll see some nice blue bits of tape on the floor.  Snuggle together as the astronauts flying The Object will be clenching pretty tightly.  Now can Tony put on The Planets by Holst? Tony:  How about Gangam Style? Beauchamp:  Good enough.  Now, Bella, please orbit around Michael following the green marks. DeGeneres:  And Michael can spin on his axis in one spot until he throws up. Fox:  Sounds good.  I try to fit that in every week. Beauchamp:  As you can see, the Moon moves around the Earth, also in an elliptical fashion.  For the last while, the private SpaceX Dragon has been moving equipment onto The Object.  Ellen?  [DeGeneres hands gifts to the three members of the studio audience.]  Once the position is correct, rockets on The Object fire and it flies right toward the moon, circles around the Moon, fires more rockets, and lands, hopefully gently on the Moon. DeGeneres:  Group hug!!  [Bella and the audience members hug.]  Now, Melanie, I gotta ask.  “Landing gently on the Moon” sounds optimistic. Beauchamp:  A pilot friend of mine once said, “it’s not the flying, but the take off and landing that’s tricky.”  In this case, we only have to land The Object.  It’s already in flight.

    In the Green Room, Mélanie was bawling her eyes out at being able to see her sister and she slapped Luc on his barrel chest.  “Tu savais, hein?”

    “Bien sûr.  Ellen m’a appelé. C’était son idée.”

    Ellen gave Mélanie a gift of remembering what was important … family.  The mission was scheduled for October 27.  She was planning on being very relieved.

    October 26, 2012 – CBC Studios, Toronto Mansbridge:  I have Mélanie Beauchamp on the line from Cape Canaveral.  Mélanie, how’s the weather? Beauchamp:  Peter it is dreadful.  Hurricane Sandy has pretty much locked down the entire eastern seaboard. Mansbridge:  And the mission? Beauchamp:  Scrubbed I’m afraid.  It’s not just letting the hurricane pass, it’s the cleanup afterward. Mansbridge:  This isn’t just waiting for the next flight, I assume? Beauchamp:  They are recalculating when the next optimum window is. Mansbridge:  I guess President Obama may not be President when this mission completes? Beauchamp:  I know Mr. Romney is on record as saying he thinks the entire mission is a waste of money, but I don’t think he will see any cost savings if he rolls it back now.

    Mélanie paced her apartment in Florida.  Luc was simply looking at her.

    “What’s your biggest worry?”

    “Romney might permanently scrub the mission.”

    “You honestly think he’d do that?”

    “To pander to the nut jobs that are trying to get him elected?”

    “What about the nut jobs trying to get Obama elected?”

    “Well, at least they’re more my type of nut job.”

    November 6, 2012 – The Marriott Residence Inn, Cape Canaveral Florida

    Mélanie had never watched election coverage so closely before and truly hoped she’d not have to do so ever again.

    As soon as Romney gave his unexpectedly gracious concession speech, she wanted to go to bed.

    “You should email him,” said Luc.

    “Obama?  Don’t you think he’s a bit busy?”

    “Trust me.”  He tossed her her smartphone.

    November 26, 2012 VIP Observation Deck, Cape Canaveral Florida

    It was 15 degrees C, clear and sunny at Cape Canaveral.  Suborbital private craft were launching with space tourists to watch The Object leave orbit.  Richard Branson had been a huge supporter of moving The Object and was thick in the venture to view the operation live from space.

    In the VIP observation deck, Mélanie was able to speak in person with Obama for the first time since 2009.

    “Melanie!  Good to see you.  Thanks for your support and work during this process.”

    “You remember Luc, my husband?”

    “Hard to forget him!”  They shook hands.  “Thanks for your email after election night.  It meant a lot to me.  Make sure to stick around afterwards.  There’s going to be quite the party.”

    As Luc and Mélanie walked away, Luc said, “Told you the email was a good idea.”

    “We have to find a corner where we won’t be watched.  I have to tell you something.”

    Once settled, she leaned to Luc and whispered, “There are two ways this could go down – three if you include total failure.  First they put an inert object on the Moon.  Second, The Object reveals something in flight.  And when that happens everyone will be looking at me.  My security issues to date will look like nothing in comparison.”

    “OK.  I’m officially nervous.”

    “This could all be a figment of my imagination.  I promise to disclose fully afterwards, but whatever happens, do not leave my side under any circumstances.”

    A few hours later they were watching the pictures as the object broke free of orbit.  Rockets were firing correctly and Mission Control was tracking everything according to plan.  As The Object started hurtling away from Earth, cameras showed the markings on the hull had shifted.  In massive letters in many languages, including English, the markings now formed a simple message:  LOOK INSIDE.

    “Crew on the Object.  Are you noticing anything strange with the markings?  Over.”

    “Nothing we can see, Mission Control.”

    “Can we get confirmation from other observers?”

    Luc was looking at Mélanie.  “It’s starting,” she whispered.

    “Mission Control.  This is Gerst on The Object.  It looks like the hull is shifting.  What appears to be an access port has appeared.  Over.”

    “Can you beam us an image?  You are getting out of camera range.”

    “Working on it.”

    Mélanie typed a text message for Bella.  Does this look familiar?  She did not press send yet.

    Then all monitors at Mission Control and Cape Canaveral were interrupted.  Incongruously Mélanie was on screen in her wedding dress.  She was clearly shaky and nervous, but the transmission continued.

    As many of you know, I’m Mélanie Beauchamp.  This transmission was made on my wedding day, May 5, 2012.  I was intercepted by The Object’s captain through a time-tunnelling technique I frankly don’t understand.  Something about shared photons.  If you are seeing this, you are in the process of moving The Object to the Moon.  You are moving the remains of the spaceship The Odyssey.  It is a human ship from the year 2274.  It was deliberately blasted back in time as a warning.  In the centuries to come, humans will investigate the triple star system Omicron Cassiopeiae and discover entities able to destroy us.  Inside the hull are artifacts able to help us understand the danger and to avoid it.  The Object should be downloading to all university sites a data package with details.  Assuming I’m still involved in this mission, please understand why I had to withhold this information because, frankly, I’m still not 100% sure that this isn’t my imagination.

    The transmission ended.  Mélanie pressed Send on her phone.

    “Crap,” said Luc.  He grabbed his special phone and tapped in FULL ALERT and pressed Send.

    Mission Control and Cape Canaveral were in an uproar.

    Obama yelled out, “Keep it down!  The mission proceeds.  Mélanie and Luc.  Could you come sit with me for the duration?”

    As they rose Luc said, “Now I know why you wanted him to win the election so much.  Romney’s bunch might have shot you.”

    December 24, 2274 – The Bridge of The Odyssey, Omicron Cassiopeiae

    Martin’s hand hovered over a red button.

    “Commander, honestly, a red button?”

    “It’s an homage to 21st Century humour.”

    “Commander, the expected fluctuations in the gravity well are happening.”

    “Show time, everyone.”

    The entire crew of The Odyssey hoped nothing would happen.

    As the gravitational fields unfolded there was a churning energy field underneath, and it started broadcasting.  Suddenly everyone on the ship were feeling horror without a single image or a specific thought to trigger it.

    “Right on schedule,” muttered Martin through clenched teeth.  He hit the button.

    The light from the blast would reach Earth 910 years later.

  • 2011:  Behaviour Matters

    2011: Behaviour Matters

    Denzel:

    Jack arrived at my door shortly after his bicycle accident.  Usual idiot.  He left the house thinking he was being a good father and husband by getting on his mountain bike and blasting around the city instead of doing what he wanted to do:  whack the shit out of his wife, son and daughter.

    Of course, he was too much of a man to wear a helmet so, when he came off the Burrard Street Bridge – no bike lights of course – the jackass slid on some wet sludge on the Gregor Robertson Approved Bicycle Lane and flew over the concrete divider into a Range Rover.  It was driven by a distracted stupid bitch who wasn’t watching because she was checking her phone for a text message.  Jack ricocheted, flew off his bicycle like a rag doll into the concrete barrier on Pacific Avenue and smashed his head open like a really crunchy egg.

    Jack:

    I was standing in front of a door marked “You’re next, asshole.”  All around me were mists like what you saw on old science fiction shows.  Where was I?  I pushed through the door and was faced with a large, muscular black guy.

    “Jack, Jack, Jack,” he said.  He was holding what looked like an iPad.  “You were an abusive husband and you neglected your children.”

    “What?  Who the hell are you?” I asked.

    “Denzel.  Don’t worry – no relation to the movie star.  I’ll be your post-mortem disciplinarian.”

    “I’m dead?”

    “Oh you poor thing, you don’t remember.  Let me help you.”  Denzel touched my arm and I remembered the bike accident.  I was on my knees wanting to puke, but nothing came.

    “Yes, you have no stomach, so you can’t barf,” said Denzel.

    “But, I have a body,” I muttered.

    “It’s pretend.  Now shut up and listen.  They tell me I’m privileged to be helping people like you – abusive morons – see their errors and move onto a higher plane of understanding.”

    I stared at this guy.  He looked like a football player but talked like an angry gay guy from the West End.  This seemed pointless.  Even if I could be different (Denzel should have met my father) I didn’t see what yakking about it was going to do.

    “God you’re boring,” said Denzel.  “Everyone thinks they’re ‘OK’ when there’s someone worse.  It’s so lame.  There’s always a worse driver, worse parent, worse policeman, worse murderer – Pickton says he killed 49, I’m nothing compared to that.”

    Denzel:

    I couldn’t believe after all the time I’d been doing this job I let a minor, minor league wife and child abuser get under my skin.  Maybe the infinite quantity of unmoving, unchanging fucking morons coming through my door was finally wearing me down.

    Anyway, they’re always confused at first as to how things work.  Jack was no exception.

    You have been cursed with figuring out why your life is such a bad example of human existence,” I said to Jack.  “I have been cursed with showing you the way.  How it works is that I put you into situations that you have to address – you know, try to improve – and then you report back to me.  You will have a body, but it will only appear to the people involved in the unpleasantness.  You will be impervious to harm.  You will have substantially more physical strength that any human around.  When you touch someone – or if someone is stupid enough to touch you – you will be able to see into their minds.  Have fun.  Good bye.  No more questions.  See you.”

    I quickly flipped through my list of scenarios on my simulated iPad and saw a juicy one.  I double tapped it and sent Jack off.  I took a short moment to quiet my mind.

    “Next!” I yelled.

    Jack:

    That crazy shit Denzel just tapped on his iPad (Apple Computers in Hell??) and now I’m here … in someone’s shanty smelly tiny house.  The air felt like desert air.  Why was I breathing anyway?  Wasn’t I dead?  Denzel talked so fast I wasn’t sure what he was going on about.

    Then I heard the unmistakable sound of sex, but the female partner was clearly not enjoying herself.  Denzel sent me here to give someone Sex Ed lessons? Then she screamed.  Obviously a young girl.  Her words sounded Arabic, but as I heard the words I somehow knew what they meant, knew it was Yemen Arabic.  Denzel hadn’t mentioned that trick.  She was clearly saying, “you’re hurting me.”

    I left the room and entered what I presumed to be the bedroom.  There I found a guy – I guessed he was about forty – forcing himself on a girl who seemed to be nine or ten.

    “No matter where, that’s rape,” I said.

    Naturally both of them were pretty surprised by me being there.  They scrambled to throw on some clothes.  The girl moved away from the guy and he started shouting “Who are you? What are you doing in my house?”

    I ignored him and asked the girl, “Can I get you out of here?  Take you home?  We can go to the police if you like.”

    “Stop talking to my wife!”

    I turned to the guy and said, “You’re kidding, right?”  (It passed through my mind that somehow I was speaking Arabic without knowing a word of it, but I didn’t dwell on this because I was too busy dealing with the child bride thing.)  Then he charged me as if to push me out of his house.  Once he touched me, the whole story flooded into my head: the financial deal with the girl’s father; the whole messed up concept of family honour.  Essentially, about two weeks ago, she had been bought and paid for and he felt he could do whatever he wanted.  I pushed him back and he flew across the room and smacked against the wall, looking as surprised at my strength as I was.  Denzel was right.  What else had he told me?  I was supposed to address this situation?  Yeah, like how?

    Then the mother came into the room.  Not the girl’s mother, but the so called husband’s mother.  Her screeching made my paranormal head hurt.  She looked around sixty going on ninety but had the lung capacity of a high pitched moose.

    “Would you shut up?” I said.

    “Get out!  Get out!  Leave my son alone!”

    She came at me and I didn’t realize she had a big honking knife until she was on me.  Talk about a flood of venom when she touched me.  The pictures I received from her head of what she used to do – sexually – with her son when he was a kid were literally beyond my ability to describe.  It made what my old man did to me look like a cake decorating class.  I also learned that she too had been a child bride.

    This crazy woman was snarling like some kind of feral dog and I flung her off me only to find her big knife jammed into my left pec up to the hilt.  No blood.  No impairment of movement or breathing, but it sure hurt.  I pulled the knife out and pointed it at the mother-and-son combo.  I lost my temper.  I said to the girl, “cover your eyes and turn your back.”

    After, I found out that the girl was called Jasmeen.  I told Jasmeen to pack up her things and dress to go outside.  I asked her where she used to live, I assumed with her parents, and I started walking her home.  I couldn’t realistically leave her in that mess.  We walked the dusty streets and she asked such childish questions.  She was the size of my 8-year-old daughter, a bit more mature, but given what she’d been through I expected more.

    “Are you an angel?”

    “Definitely not.”

    “What are you?”

    “A ghost,” I said.

    “How did you die?”

    “Bicycle accident.”

    “Did it hurt?”

    “Yes.”

    “Why did you help me?”

    “Good question.”

    “Do you help lots of people?”

    “No.”

    “Will my daddy make me marry again?”

    “Not after I talk to him.”

    Literally no one saw me until a rough looking character walked toward her saying, “where are you going little girl?”  I felt myself solidify; the guy trying to hassle her jerked back in surprise as if he was thinking where’d he come from?

    “Walk away, jerk,” I said.  And he did.

    There were no other incidents.  Once at her home, she ran to her mother in tears.  The father came out at the sound of the ruckus.  He stared at me.  Saw me.  I approached.  “Listen carefully.  You sold your daughter and she was raped.  Your days of being a moron are over.  Take care of her or you’ll end up worse than her ‘husband’.”

    Jasmeen’s father seemed convinced.  I was surprised he didn’t start arguing with me.

    “What happened to him?”

    “He had a discussion with his mother that didn’t go so well.”

    He started to cry.  I hate it when guys cry.  But I started to fade away and I disappeared into those dry ice / Classic Star Trek style mists again.

    I was in front of Denzel’s door once more.  The sign on the door read, “Nice try, asshole.”

    Denzel:

    “Jack, Jack, Jack,” I said.  “‘Address the situation,’ not ‘murder the perpetrators and set up a grisly crime scene worthy of CSI.’  Although I am one who can’t help but appreciate a good quality faked murder-suicide, especially when the mother was set up as the murderer.  Just an inspired bit of homicidal rage.  No pent up anger in you, eh?”

    Jack just stared at me.  I knew what he was thinking but I needed him to say it.  So I waited.  Eventually he spoke.

    “They didn’t seem to think that they had done anything wrong.”

    “So?  Killing them leaves little opportunity for improvement.”

    “I assumed the point was to save the girl.”

    “The point is to save your soul.”

    “Isn’t it a bit late for that seeing I’m dead?”

    “Souls are forever you yutz.  Bodies come and go like Paris Hilton’s underwear.”

    I was staring hard at Jack.  He hadn’t made the connection yet.  It’s always a challenge to break down the barriers.  He had the capability to be smart – to make connections, to draw conclusions, to modify his behaviour.  But he was stunted.

    “So, Jack,” I said, “do you think Jasmeen’s experience and Sandi’s experience with you are similar?”  (Sandi was Jack’s daughter.)

    “No.”

    “Oh, come on.  You don’t think all the times you called her names, took her stuff away from her for no comprehensible reason, made her watch when you verbally abused her brother – just to ‘toughen her up’ – isn’t the same as what Jasmeen’s father did?”

    “I wouldn’t sell Sandi.  I wouldn’t touch her.”

    “Yeah, sure, but what if she got really bad, Jack?  What if she really disrespected you?  What if she mocked you?  Wouldn’t you want to show her what a real man was?”

    Predictably, he took a swing at me.  He was still too attached to the flesh.  I’d been trying to avoid violence, but it’s still there for me.  The pleasure.  Even though his arm and my arm were simulated, not of earth, I took a delicious pleasure at wrenching his arm around, shoving it up his back and tearing his simulated shoulder ligaments and breaking his wrist.

    Jack writhed in pain.  I kneeled down beside him and whispered in his ear, “Fix yourself Jack.  Remember your real body is in a body bag on Pacific Ave.”

    Jack:

    The pain in my arm was incredible but the bastard was right.  This wasn’t real.  This was like the knife in the shoulder.  I concentrated, straightened out my arm and imagined it was in one piece.  And then it was.

    What was the point of this?  Was Hell a real place where they sent guys like me who were mean to their wives and kids?  Some modern torture chamber run by angry gay black men?

    “‘Mean to your wife?’”, said Denzel, quoting what was in my mind.  “Jack, don’t you get it?  You were abusive.  You hit her in anger.  Come on, loose the justification that just because your Dad used a closed fist and you didn’t doesn’t make it any less abusive.”

    I really didn’t like that Denzel could read my mind.  I wondered if it went two ways.

    “OK,” I said, “What the hell do you want from me?  Is there some kind of 12-step program or rehab in the afterlife I can sign up for?  I have no idea what the rules are here.  I’m not all that thrilled at the prospect of spending any time at all with you.”

    “Oh poor widdle Jackie.  He’s afwaid of dah black man.  Afwaid dah black man gonna do something nasty to him with his big johnson.”

    And Denzel started laughing.  That laugh was creepier than any part of this so far.

    “No sweetheart,” said Denzel, “I have another job for you to help you ‘get it.’  This time, I’d really recommend finding a more creative way to handle the issue.”

    He tapped on his damn fake iPad again and I was suddenly in a suburban home, specifically its wood panelled basement.  There were many boxes labelled with “family photos,” “university texts,” and so forth.  Some sporting equipment was piled around including skis and a diving wet suit, which was hanging on a rack.  There was stuff up against all the wood panelling except for one spot where boxes had clearly been pushed aside.  There was light coming from underneath the panelling.  It was a fake door.  I quietly pushed through the 2/3 height door into a home made movie studio.

    I was once again glad to be a ghost with no stomach.  A man was operating a console that was controlling the angles of three video cameras.  He was at a desk behind a Plexiglas sound wall.  It was dark where he was sitting but the lights were bright in the fake bedroom where he was filming a masked middle-aged man having sex with two underage girls – I’d guess the girls’ ages to be 9/10 and at most 12.  No doubt this was being fed live to the Internet.

    To have a complete picture of what was going on, I was going to have to touch this creep.  I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back from the consoles, taking his rolling chair with him.  This bastard’s story shot into my head and I will not describe it all here.  He was selling his step daughter and real daughter to men for sex.  He then filmed them and sold the footage online to perverts around the world.  Read any study on sexual abuse and it follows the same pattern.  The lulling of the children.  The promise they’ll be stars.  The brutalization of the mothers into silence.  The subsequent self-justification.

    In my mind, the temptation to simply kill these guys was huge but, I hate to admit, Denzel was right.  I was given the physical capability to easily kill, but did that mean I had to use it?  However, for efficiency, there was going to be a little violence.

    “Who the hell are you?” was all the cameraman could say before I punched him in the face.  He was howling in the chair and it occurred to me that it would be fun to alter my appearance.  I concentrated and willed my face into a classic red-faced devil with horns.  I went around the Plexiglas.  The girls started to scream the moment they saw me.  The “actor” pulled back, his mouth an open O when he saw me.  I grabbed him by the shoulders and tossed him into the concrete basement wall.  No wood panelling for this guy.

    I turned to each of the cameras and said “I’m coming for you.”  Then I crushed each of the lenses with my bare hands.

    I let my face turn back to normal and said, “Girls.  Put some clothes on and wait here for the police.”

    I grabbed the actor by the leather strap of his mask – he was screaming quite loudly now – and dragged him to where the cameraman sat, who was cupping his bleeding nose.  I tossed them both to the ground face down.  I unplugged some of the PCs’ power cables and tied their hands behind their backs and bound their feet.  Then I dragged them both by the feet up the narrow stairs from the basement to the main hallway.  (That had to hurt.)  I continued dragging them outside to the curb.  I smiled when I saw the trash cans.  How fitting … the next day was garbage day.

    The night air was refreshing as was the sight of lights coming on in neighbours’ houses.  I guessed it was around 11 PM, but I had no idea of the day.  I could tell by the trees that it was autumn.

    I went back into the house, found a phone, punched up 911.

    “What is the nature of your emergency?”

    “I need the police and ambulance.  There’s been an assault on two girls.”

    “What’s your address?”

    “I’m not sure, but I’m calling from a land line, so I hope you can figure it out.”

    “How do you know about this assault?”

    “I’m a witness and I interrupted the creation of a child porn video.   The girls are in the basement.  The rapists are tied up by the trash bins.”

    “Who are you?”

    “An anonymous source.”

    I put the phone down, but did not hang up.  I heard sirens in the distance.

    I wasn’t sure about when I was done this mission, I felt that I could leave once I heard sirens and saw the cops pull up.  I walked into the kitchen admiring how normal-looking it was given the horror show that had been going on in the basement.  There were two calendars hanging on the walls.  “November 2010” was on both of them.

    The police sirens were really loud now and the flashing lights filled the front of the house.  I faded away and was greeted by those mists and Denzel’s door.  The sign on the door read, “You’re still an asshole, asshole”.

    Denzel:

    “Well, did you have fun?”

    Jack didn’t reply.  It looked like he was going to be stubborn.

    “Come on,” I said, “what could go wrong?  You were the hero.  You saved the girls, you handed the bad guys over to the cops.  You even had a chance to rid yourself of some of those nasty inner tensions.  I liked the devil face; that was a nice touch.”

    “I don’t want to do this anymore,” said Jack.

    And then he grabbed me!  Me.  He grabbed both my wrists and looked into my face and said with his mind, “Who are you?”

    So I showed him.

    Jack:

    He showed me.  He showed me horror.  He had been a child soldier in Zaire and Rawanda.  He moved up the ranks and became the most effective mutilator of women, children and men there was.  The words rape, torture, dismemberment are just words.  The words can’t cover the atrocities.  And, worst of all, he enjoyed it.  It was pleasure all the time until finally someone put a bullet in his head.

    Denzel:

    Jack let go of me and fell backwards.  And he thought that what I’d shown him before was bad.

    Jack:

    I wanted to get away from Denzel as soon as I could.  There was no doubt that this guy could do the Devil’s work.  I turned around and pushed out the door.  I had a theory and there was no better time to test it.  I walked straight into the mists and concentrated on where I wanted to be and when.

    Denzel:

    Well, I’ll be damned.  It had been a long time since someone had thought to just barge out.

    Jack:

    There wasn’t anything I wanted more than to have a conversation with myself.  I thought it was a funny idea.  It reminded me of when people gave me stupid advice like “you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror” and “be true to yourself.”  The idea to counsel myself had come to me when I saw that 2010 calendar.  I realized that Denzel had the ability to send me anywhere to any date.  If that was the case, why couldn’t I do it myself?

    To my own surprise, I materialized in my own basement about two hours before that bicycle accident.  My earlier self was sitting at his/my desk.  (Argh.  Pronouns are going to be tough here!)

    “Jack,” I said.  He/I swivelled in the chair and said, “Wha?”

    “Listen, there’s likely not much time.  I have to warn you.  I have to tell you … a lot.”

    “What are you?”

    When I looked at him/me I realized that some of my anger, my frustration was partly medical.  There was something about my eyes that looked wrong.  Talking was not going to work.  My earlier self stood up and I kneed him in the nuts.  Not too hard.  It was strangely – what’s that fancy word – cathartic?  Therapeutic?  While his hands were holding his nuts, I grabbed his face and pressed my forehead into his.

    “Listen and watch,” I said.  It didn’t take long to shove my memories into his head; I started to fade.

    Next thing I knew I was in my chair.  I was no longer dead.  I was no longer super strong.  I really hoped I was somewhere where Denzel could not get me.

    Now what?  In a little bit something one of the kids does was going to set me off, putting me into a rage sending me on my fatal bike ride.  This made me remember all the scenes.  Yemen, the kid porn basement, Zaire.  My innards were really wanting to let go of dinner.  I took a moment to calm myself.  Then I could feel it.  I could feel the power of habit.  Part of my mind was not wanting to change.  To stay here, wait for the time to pass and hope for the best.

    If I could save those girls in other places, I could save my own kids.

    I picked up the phone and called my brother-in-law, Dennis.

    “Hello?”

    “Dennis, it’s Jack.”

    “Jack, how are you?”

    “Bad.  Can I stay on your couch for a bit?”

    “Man, did she throw you out finally?”

    “No, I’m throwing myself out.”

    “Really.”

    “Yes.  I am not safe to be around my family.  You said you knew some counsellors or shrinks or something.”  Dennis did social work.  Like his sister, he tried to save hopeless cases.

    “No problem.  I can fix you up with someone nuts-and-bolts.  I know how much you like the airy-fairy stuff.”

    “OK.  Excellent.  I’ll explain more when I see you.”

    “You gonna bike over?  It’s pouring.”

    “No, no.  It’s OK.  I’ll walk.”

  • 2010:  Two Ways Out

    2010: Two Ways Out

    Lying in bed dying of liver disease is pretty boring.

    But the ghost was making it interesting.  He kept wandering around the room, sitting impatiently in a chair, standing and looking at my chart, looking over the nurses and doctors’ shoulders as they did their usual rounds.  I didn’t know this guy.  He looked around my age – 52 – and was anglo-looking, taller than me.  I assumed he was a ghost because no one else seemed to see him, and I wasn’t that high on my meds.

    It wasn’t until my kid brother showed up and sat on the ghost, that I was 100% sure it was a ghost.  Right after Tommy dropped his big butt on him, the ghost turned into a mist and reformed in a standing position beside my IV drip stand with a rather nasty scowl.

    Tommy was full of the usual pointless blather and questions you share with a dying man. Hope of transplant? Nothing yet. Affairs in order?  No, but don’t care either.

    “Tommy, you know what?” I said, “Get outta here.  Call Mom and tell her I’m as OK as I’m going to be and go see your family.  It’s Christmas Eve.  I have no interest in making someone stay in the hospital with me.”

    Tommy left saying, “see you tomorrow,” and I replied silently, if we’re lucky.

    At this point I decided to address the ghost.  “Hey, ghost.  You want to get lost?”

    “So, you can see me.”

    “Of course I can; you’ve been messing around here for a while, but I didn’t think it would help me much to be telling the doctors that there was a ghost in the room.”

    “Your brother’s not that intuitive, eh?”

    “No, not exactly an in-tune guy – except for baseball stats.  Why, what do intuitive people do?”

    “Well,” said the ghost, “it varies.  Most have a subconscious that directs them away from me.  A few others will perceive me to some level and make a passing remark and then avoid me.  A couple of full-on psychics will miss that I’m not a real person – for a couple of minutes, away.”

    “So, uh, why are you here?” I asked.

    “Well, it’s Christmas Eve; and there’s always a bit of extra magic floating around that gives me a bit more mojo to do interesting things.  So I pick someone in a situation like yours and see if they want to join me.”

    “Join you where?”

    “In this hereafter I’m in – the space between the conscious and unconscious worlds.”

    “Why would you want me there with you?”

    “Ah well; good question.  According to my research you’re an ass.  I mean really, you don’t have personal relationships with women. It’s kind of an exchange of services.  You married your wife for the business connections, and if she hadn’t lied to you about going off The Pill, you’d have never been a father.  And your daughter is so estranged from you that she might not even come to your funeral.

    In essence, beggars can’t be choosers.  Were Halle Berry, or even Cher, in suitable near death situations, believe me; I’d be talking to them.  But loneliness is powerful, even when you’re dead.”

    I looked at this ghost and wondered what the hell this was really about.  One of my first jobs was selling cars, so I knew a pitch when I heard one.  I decided to carry on the discussion because this was a far more interesting way to spend my last hours than reading Readers Digest.

    “I can’t be the only near-death guy on Christmas Eve,” I said

    “No, but you have a certain profile; it’s hard to describe.  But, we have no time for this.  What I need you to do is experience life twice from two different points of view – in fact in two totally different bodies – and then come back and let go of your own life.  I.e. not wait until you die, but release yourself to death.

    “How do I do that?”

    “You have to lose that tiny bit of hope that some doctor is going to come in here with a shiny new liver for you and give up.”

    “Um, OK,” I said, “how do I experience a different life?”

    “You leave that to me.  It’s called magic because very much in the same way you drive a car without knowing how to build an internal combustion engine, I can send you into a body.  However, there’re some wrinkles.  I can send you anywhere at any time, but the person you drop into will have just died.  They have to have died of some relatively subtle ailment (a heart attack as opposed to being hit by a bus).”

    “You’re going to make me into a zombie?”

    “Uh, sort of.  But without all the groaning and eating of human flesh.  You will have access to the dead person’s memories, and you will decay, slowly – it’s not a long term deal.”

    “You are going to send my mind back in time, into a dead guy’s body?  That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    “Of course.  This is not something you’ll find on the Internet.  Now, we’re running out of time.  Just say ‘yes I would like to experience another life’ and we can get going.

    “I would like to experience another life.”

    ***

    I awoke in a much bigger body.  Man, this guy had had his fair share of lumberjack breakfasts.  I blinked and blinked.  It was like everything in this body was set to manual.  I had to think about everything, including breathing.  Of course, this made sense if he’d just kicked the bucket.  As my vision cleared I realized I was on an aircraft.  Clenched in “my” hand – wow; this guy had big mitts – was a boarding pass.  “UA 93” with a date of “9/11/01.”

    Oh crap. Oh crap.

    I was sitting in a row by myself.  The plane felt empty.  Damn, damn, damn, what could I remember about this?  This is the one that flew into the ground in Pennsylvania.  What else, what else?  Passenger revolt.  Nothing else was coming to mind.

    Time.  What time was it?  According to the host body’s watch it was 9:35 AM.  Hadn’t the World Trade Centre planes already crashed?

    I tried to make the host body work.  It was stiff; what a surprise (undoing the seat belt helped).  I was in coach and started moving to the front.  I did recall that the hijackers had bought first class tickets.

    Exactly what I thought I was doing was a good question.  I was a nearly dead man occupying a dead man’s body who was on a plane about to meet a rather nasty end.  I also didn’t see the point of this.  But what was I going to do?  Do the crossword in the newspaper and watch events unfold?  I was put here to learn something – I anticipated a short lesson.

    I lumbered into first class.  Operating the host body was like having to talk to yourself in order to walk:  right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot and try not to flail your arms like a zombie.  I parted the curtains and entered first class.

    The first class passengers were huddled in a few seats furthest from the cockpit.  A hijacker turned to me and said, “Go back!”

    I had not tried talking yet.  The first noise as I booted up the voice box was “glaackk.”

    My next statement was a lot more direct:  “People! These guys aren’t going to ransom the plane.  They’re going to crash it into DC somewhere.”

    The hijacker lunged toward me and stabbed me in the chest with something.  You’d think it would have hurt, but in this case being in a dead body has its advantages.  I grabbed him by the shirt, pulled him close and fell backwards out of first class into coach.  “Help help!” I managed to blurt.  Someone from first class climbed over us and went back into coach.  The hijacker repeatedly stabbed me with no effect until others from first class pulled him off me.

    People in coach hauled me up to my feet and put me in a chair.  “Are you OK?”

    “I’ll be fine.  You have to get into the cockpit and get the hijackers out of there now,” I said.

    Now what?  It was 9:44 AM and I could see the rest of the passengers were on phones and were mobilizing.  Passengers were pounding on the cockpit door, trying to rip it open.

    I wasn’t bleeding so much as oozing.  One of my arms was now not responding to my commands.  I was trying to stand up again when the plane started rocking and passengers were toppling over.  The pilot was clearly trying to knock folks over to stall their breach of the cockpit.  This of course made me less useful.  As the body I was in started to seize up more, I shoved myself in a seat and belted in. I could only watch.  It was the faces that were so haunting.  The entire range was there: hopelessly paralyzed by fear to completely determined to survive.  Had I been my real self in this situation, where in the spectrum would I have been?

    I felt the plane roll and dive.

    ***

    I was back in my hospital bed, sweating and gasping.  “What the hell!”

    “Nice flight?” asked the ghost.

    “What was the point of that?!”

    “Come on.  In this situation there aren’t that many cool opportunities to be a part of history without messing things up.  You don’t think there’s a huge selection of people dying in ways where a body-takeover can happen and no one notice?”

    “Crap, why not just put me on the Titanic?”

    “Hey, that’s not a bad idea.  Do you want …”

    “No! Thanks very much, no.”

    “Well, brace yourself; you’ve got one more to go.”

    ***

    I was in an alley.  It was dusk and I really was having a hard time getting this body going.  Once my vision cleared I saw the needle sticking out of my arm.  Not much doubt as to the cause of death.  I pulled the needle out and was going to toss it away when I realized that that might not be so friendly for someone cleaning up later. I pulled myself up to standing, using a wall for leverage, and dropped the needle into a dumpster.

    This was a filthy body.  My hands looked like I’d been gardening in manure for a year.  I stood and stumbled as I was trying to make the body work semi-normally.  With the sun setting I wandered out of the alley.  Where was I?

    Once at the nearest street it was obvious to any Canadian who watches the news.  DTES.  Downtown Eastside, Vancouver.  What was the year?  I had only visited Vancouver a few times – mostly for work – so I wasn’t clear on my directions.  I followed a street called Gore and headed to East Hastings.  I found a scrap of the Vancouver Sun and, assuming this wasn’t too old, it was at least December 24, 1999.

    “Kelly, Kelly!” Someone was calling out.  I could tell it was aimed at me.  It was another addict.

    “Hey,” I grumbled.  I was desperately asking the brain of this body to give me a name.  I could not tell from all the harm that this brain had suffered if the trouble was with retrieving, or not knowing.  “Susie,” I said.

    “Did you score?  Did you?”

    “Oh yeah.”  Susie, up close, seemed truly strung-out.

    “Anything left?”

    “Nah.”

    Susie looked at me, working hard to focus.  “You look real bad, Kelly.”

    “I’m dead on my feet,” I replied.

    And then, over my shoulder, I saw him.  Robert Willie Pickton.

    “Shit,” I said.

    “What?” asked Susie.  I pointed in the serial killer’s general direction.  Susie shuddered; I thought she was going to faint.  My mind was charging through facts.  Recently the Vancouver Police released a report discussing how they and the RCMP had messed up the investigation of this psycho.  Six murder convictions with up to 49 murders, depending on the reliability of that jailhouse confession.  Remembering these facts was tricky, but didn’t the cops only start taking the missing women seriously, now, in 1999?

    I started to run, well hobble – I don’t think my host body was much of an athlete – after Pickton.

    Susie started yelling:  “Kelly!  Kelly!  Where ya goin’?”

    “We’ve got to stop him,” I yelled.  Susie was shuffling along beside me.

    Of all things, a Vancouver cop stepped out and put himself between me and Pickton, who was walking serenely down the street with a woman who was clearly a DTES resident.

    “Officer,” I said, “you have to stop that man.  Pickton.”

    “Hey, sweetie; it’s Christmas Eve and you shouldn’t be exerting yourself.  You don’t look so good.”

    I stared at the police officer.  His mind was somewhere else.  He was not listening and had no intention of listening.  I was in the dead body of someone who was a non-person.

    “OK,” I said, “I’ll just walk nicely.”  And I tried walking slowly around the officer.  He blocked my way.

    I stared at his badge.  “OK, officer 34592, I cannot perceive any reason why you would be impeding my way.  I am not doing anything illegal or in fact particularly annoying, which is more than I can say for you.  May I please pass?”

    The officer stared at me like I was an alien.  I realized that he towered over me, which was result of me being in a small body more than he being particularly large.  The problem is that by this time, Pickton was gone.  The officer was still not moving.  I was beginning to think that a well-spoken voice coming from a down-and-out homeless person (who was actually a corpse) had stunned him into inaction.  I’m not sure what that damn ghost thought I was going to accomplish here, but I thought I’d give it my best shot and then get the hell out.

    “Listen carefully,” I said, “the man that walked by is directly responsible for the missing women in this neighbourhood.  I know the cops all think that the women down here are high risk, have risky life styles and can’t be properly traced.”

    “Yeah!” said Susie – I’d honestly forgot she was there.

    “But,” I continued, “that’s no excuse for you letting dozens of these women be lured to a farm in Coquitlam, murdered, chopped up and then fed to pigs.  Are you hearing me?”

    He stared at me.  The expression was inscrutable.  “How do you come by this information?”

    “Good grief; it speaks.”  I figured my exit needed to be dramatic.  I leaned toward him and whispered, “Because I’ve seen it.”  And then I let go, kind of like what the ghost was asking me to do with my own body back in 2010.  When I let go, I really hoped that Kelly would fall into the arms of the officer, dead.

    ***

    I was back in the hospital bed, glowering at the ghost.  “Just what was that supposed to prove?”

    “You tell me; you were there.”

    “You put me there,” I was snarling.  I wanted to rip his face off.  Pity he was a ghost.

    “You let me. But, let’s not argue.  It’s decision time.  Let go of your body, just like you did Kelly, and come with me.  An eternity of hanging around with the chance of being annoying … what could go wrong?”

    This is the kind of situation where you want to do the exact opposite of the person asking you to do something.  However, there was a certain appeal, a hope of something beyond my life, whereas waiting for the end had the distinct option of there being nothing at the end.  It seemed clear the ghost’s interest in sending me back in time was to teach me how to come and go from dead bodies so I could do what he wanted.

    When a ghost visits you on Christmas Eve, you can’t help but think of A Christmas Carol.  Form me, going back in time those two times was worse than that happened to Scrooge.  He at least knew he could not interact.  Regardless, I had basically the same question as Dicken’s character: why show me this if I’m beyond all hope?

    In the end I thought it best to stick to my anti-social tendencies.  Hope might be for suckers, but quitting was for losers.

    “I don’t know your name, ghost, but I’ve had a good think and I’d like you to go screw yourself and let me die in peace.”

    And he was gone.

    ***

    Two hours later I was not feeling very well at all.  I figured I had about seven liver cells left.  Then a medical party broke out in my room.  People were unplugging me and plugging me into different bits of equipment and generally acting panicked.

    A doctor I’d not seen before shoved her face into my face.  “Mr. Jamison, I’m going to be your surgeon.  We’ve just received a matching liver.  Do you understand me?”

    I nodded.

    As I was rather briskly wheeled down a corridor, one of the nurses joining along was the ghost.

    “Did you know this was coming?” I mumbled.

    “Of course I did, you idiot.  If I can send you back in time I can at least know a liver was on its way.”

    “Why?”

    “I wanted to be sure you were worthy of the liver.  Use it well or I’ll be back, at which point you will have a very bad time.”

    I passed out, I think, and went into the operating room.

    Epilogue Christmas Day

    “Tommy, can you hand me my cell phone?”  I was awake after the operation but still felt like a tube farm.

    “Sure.”

    I decided to text my daughter:  Santa brought your father a new liver for Christmas. Can we talk?

  • 2009:  The Smudge on Orion’s Belt

    2009: The Smudge on Orion’s Belt

    December 22, 2008

    Mélanie Beauchamp was star gazing.

    During the Christmas period of 2008, Vancouver had enjoyed unusual amounts of snow with lower than normal temperatures.  Mélanie thought she’d dodged the weather in Montreal by coming to Vancouver to visit friends.  Montrealers, at least, knew how to use shovels. Vancouverites, when they try to clear snow, seem to make the attempt with garden spades and flimsy plastic shovels.

    Mélanie did not have astronomy on her agenda; she was, in fact, taking a break from teaching the subject.  However, when the heavens had parted on December 22nd, she was thrilled to see Orion huge and clear above.  She scrambled to find her friends’ aging Celestron telescope after which she put it together on their top floor deck and began to look outward and upward.

    Her friends had just left the rooftop deck – complaining of cold – Les Vancouvérois sont tellement poules mouillées, she thought, meaning Vancouverites were wimps.  As she took what she thought was her last glance through the telescope, she observed a smudge – an unfamiliar celestial object – on Orion’s belt.  (Orion is a large constellation; in the middle there is a band of stars that comprise Orion’s belt.)

    Mélanie focused in on the smudge as best as her telescope would let her; she was totally unfamiliar with the object she was observing.  It reminded her of the way satellites and other artificial orbital artifacts reflect light, but the object did not move like something in orbit and it certainly did not look like any deep space celestial object.  Furthermore, she’d never seen anything like it in that part of the sky – and she’d observed Orion on far clearer (and colder) nights than this.

    The Celestron had a camera mount meant for old single lens reflex cameras, which thankfully was compatible with her digital SLR.  Fortunately, she had set up the motor drive, which synchronized the telescope’s movements with the earth’s rotation. This allowed her to take some high quality long exposures.

    She packed up the telescope, and returned to her friends’ living room where they had a hot cup of tea waiting for her.  Mélanie uploaded a couple of the images from her camera to her friends’ computer and posted the images to a network of astronomers.  She provided her GPS coordinates along with the images and simply said, “Anyone have any idea what the hell this is?”

    December 24, 2008

    Mélanie’s email account was full.

    She’d not been thinking about her discovery much; she was certain some reasonable explanation would present itself after the holidays.  But, when she checked email at the time she planned to send out some Merry Christmas emails, she found that many of her astronomy associates were freaking out and sending her better resolution images of what she had observed.

    The other astronomers confirmed that the object she had observed was indeed artificial and it was not produced by humans.

    Mélanie wasn’t sure what to think.  As she sat in the living room, surrounded by Christmas decorations, near a tree with blinking lights, she felt limp.  A piece of alien space junk. This phrase repeated itself over and over in her mind.  She’d always believed that the universe was certainly big enough to have self aware, space-travelling life forms other than humans.  But it seemed very unlikely that humans would ever encounter them because of the vast distances between solar systems and the incredible age of the universe.  She imagined that this piece of space junk could be a million years old from a solar system hundreds of light years away.  Or not.

    December 27, 2008

    Mélanie’s voice mail box was full.

    The message from her boss at McGill started with the phrase: “Mélanie, what have you done?”

    There was a message from Bob McDonald, from CBC’s Quirks and Quarks, requesting a call back.

    An intern from the Discovery Channel was requesting a call back.

    Mélanie dutifully recorded the names and numbers in her book, but the only person she called back was Pierre Gautier, the Chair of the Experimental and Observational Astrophysics division of McGill’s Department of Physics.  She told him what had happened – hadn’t he checked his email on the 23rd of December? No, he was in the Eastern Townships with his mother who was still annoyed that she lost her rotary phone a few years back – and it wasn’t until he got back to Montreal that he also was blitzed with calls and email.

    Mélanie and Pierre agreed that the reason there was not more press coverage was that the discovery occurred over the holidays and that Barak Obama’s impending inauguration was preoccupying much of the US government.

    “How do you want me to handle the press that has already called me?”

    “Well,” Pierre replied, “I think that you should call them back and limit your answers to the knowledge you have and avoid speculation.  Prior to that, study all the data that your colleagues have been sending you.  You’ll probably be a bit famous in our circles, but honestly I can’t think of anyone better to handle the media.  It would be disrespectful to you were anyone else at the university to speak on the subject.  It’s not like you’re a 10-year-old backyard astronomer.”

    “Pierre,” Mélanie replied, “I know some 10-year-olds who have better telescopes than what I used to observe this thing.”

    “That may be,” he replied, “but according to the worldwide astronomy community, you spotted it first.  They are starting to call it the Beauchamp Object.”

    Vraiment!”

    January 5, 2009

    Mélanie was back in Montreal and preparing for her first class of 2009.  On her non-academic to-do list was:

    – Buy new phone with unlisted number – Set up new email to give only to trusted family and friends – Run through the trajectory calculations sent from Paul in South Africa – Get to the gym – Call Mom about Dad’s doctor’s appointment

    Pierre walked into her office and put a shiny new Blackberry on her desk.

    “What’s this?” she asked.

    “I never can get you on the phone, so I made the University buy this one and it’s listed as a computer tech support phone.  No one knows it’s going to you.  I set you up with a new McGill email account with no ties to you.  The Philosophy department was glad to help; and they can’t track their computers or phones worth a damn.”

    Mélanie crossed the two items off her list.  “You must be psychic.”

    “I am merely well-informed,” said Pierre.  “You think you are busy doing press work now, wait until Paul’s trajectory numbers make the main stream media.”

    “You analyzed them?”

    “No, no.  A friend at NASA analyzed them.  But just you wait, I don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

    Later that night, Mélanie finished her own review of Paul’s trajectory numbers.  The Object was indeed heading in Earth’s general direction.  She’d been telling the press, over and over, that The Object was an ellipsoid 350 km long, 140 km at its widest and 70 km at the highest.  It was moving slowly and tipping end over end at a frequency of one revolution every hour.  When asked “what’s it made of?” the answer was “no idea”; when asked “where’s it from?” the answer was “no idea;” when asked: “where’s it going?” well … now it was time to revise her answer.

    This “Beauchamp Object” or, to use NASA’s preferred nomenclature, an ESADO (Extra Solar Artificial Debris Object), was going to pass very close to Earth.  This “ESADO” was 35 times the estimated size of the meteor that is attributed to the extinction of the dinosaurs.

    “ESADO” made Mélanie think of cheap Spanish wine.  She left her apartment and headed to the nearest Dépanneur to buy a bottle.

    January 20, 2009

    Mélanie was watching Barak Obama’s inauguration on TV.  “Does he know?  Does he believe it?”

    February 24, 2009

    Mélanie was back in front of her TV, watching Barak Obama give his State of the Nation speech.  In the past month, the media had been running with the story of the Beauchamp Object (the term still made her blush) reporting that it was heading toward Earth, and that NASA and all official agencies were being very tight lipped.

    Mélanie hoped that President Obama would tackle it in his speech tonight.

    Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, and the first lady of the United States, who’s around here somewhere.

    I have come here tonight not only to address the distinguished men and women in this great chamber, but to speak frankly and directly to the men and women who sent us here.

    I know that for many Americans watching right now, the state of our economy is a concern that rises above all others, and rightly so. If you haven’t been personally affected by this recession, you probably know someone who has: a friend, a neighbor, a member of your family.

    As the speech went on, focused almost exclusively on the economy, Mélanie fretted.  The recession wasn’t going to matter a damn if the planet was struck by 2.7 million cubic kilometres of unknown metal.  As she listened to the speech, she could feel that it was winding down.  But Obama surprised her.

    There are surely times in the future where we will part ways. But I also know that every American who is sitting here tonight loves this country and wants it to succeed.

    I know that.

    That must be the starting point for every debate we have in the coming months and where we return after those debates are done. That is the foundation on which the American people expect us to build common ground.

    And it’s with the idea of common ground that I must confirm some information you may already know. Major media outlets have been reporting a large artificial object, known as the Beauchamp Object or an ESADO – NASA can explain that acronym for you – is heading to Earth within this calendar year.

    I’ve met with leading scientists and they tell me that The Object is most likely to pass us by, but there’s a chance it might not.  If it hits us, it would cause incalculable damage.

    I have therefore ordered NASA and related agencies to suspend all other work until we’ve assessed the Beauchamp Object and dealt with the risk.

    Because someone made this object, someone not of our Earth, we face technical and spiritual questions in addition to our immediate fiscal crisis.  We live in truly incredible times.

    But I am certain that America and the world will come together and lift this nation from the depths of challenges, particularly if we put our people back to work and restart the engine of our prosperity, if we confront without fear the challenges of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not quit, then some day, years from now, our children can tell their children that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, “something worthy to be remembered.”

    Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

    Mélanie got a text message from Pierre:  “You are going to be very, very busy.”

    March 16, 2009

    David Letterman was winding up his monologue.

    We have a good show for you tonight, folks … Julia Roberts is here.  <<huge applause>> Our musical guest is Bell X1 and, to lighten the tone a little, we have Melanie Beauchamp, the lady who discovered the huge piece of space junk that threatens to kill us all.  <<pause>>  And I was worried about Leno’s new show … <<cut to commercial>>

    Mélanie was pacing the Green Room in an elegantly sexy, but not actually comfortable, Dior suit that her mother insisted she wear.  “How the hell did I end up here?” she thought.  A fight-flight response did not begin to describe her nerves.  Julia Roberts, her security guard and press agent passed Mélanie.  To the entourage’s annoyance, Julia Roberts stopped and said to Mélanie, “Are you nervous?”

    Absolument, uh, yes, of course!”

    “Good,” Julia said, “you’ll do great.”

    This left Mélanie and the two Julia handlers to watch the show on the Green Room monitor.  As Letterman greeted Julia, she whispered to him, “Is it OK if I stay for your interview with Melanie Beauchamp?”

    “You can stay on my couch as long as you like,” said Letterman.

    Julia stayed fairly close to the usual topics of family and funny happenings on the set of Duplicity.

    And when we get back, Melanie Beauchamp, ladies and gentlemen.

    “Julia’s not coming off,” said Handler 1.

    “She has to come off; we have an appointment.”

    “She’s not coming off,” they said in unison and turned to Mélanie and continued.  “Did you know she was staying on?”

    “Uh, no,” was Mélanie barely coherent reply.

    A Letterman staffer said, “Ms Beauchamp,” we’re ready for you.

    Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Melanie Beauchamp, who was the first to observe what NASA’s calling an ESADO.  <<pause>> I hope someone got paid a lot for that dumb term.

    Mélanie walked on stage to healthy applause and a strangely jazzy rendition of “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by REM.  Dave greeted her and gave her a brief hug.  Julia Roberts stood and kissed Mélanie on each cheek.  Once settled on the couch, Dave motioned Paul, and said, “OK, Paul, that was weird.”

    Letterman:  I have to tell you Melanie, for a scientist you look great.  In some cases better than some A-listers I get on the show.  <<Julia makes a face>> Present company excluded.

    Beauchamp:  Of course!

    Letterman:  Because Julia’s here, I’ll jump right in and ask, “Who are you wearing?”

    Roberts:  It’s Dior, Dave.

    Beauchamp:  It’s my mother’s fault.

    Letterman:  How’s that?

    Beauchamp:  She owns a dress shop in Montreal and she said “There’s no way you are going on Mr. Letterman’s show and not wearing something nice!”

    Letterman:  She called me “Mr. Letterman”?

    Beauchamp:  “Monsieur Letterman,” to be exact.

    Letterman:  Wow.  I think I could get used to that.

    Roberts:  Calm yourself Dave.

    Letterman:  Melanie, there are so many questions in my head about this ESADO thing that I guess I’ll just ask the obvious, “what the heck is it?”

    Beauchamp:  Well, there’s no consensus right now.  We know for sure that it’s not an asteroid or a comet because of its shape, which is kind of a disc, a shape that just does not appear in nature.

    Letterman:  So, somebody made it?

    Beauchamp:  Yes.

    Letterman:  But, it’s huge.  215 miles across?

    Beauchamp:  Yes, about that.

    Roberts:  And if it hits us?

    Beauchamp:  That would be bad.

    Letterman:  How bad?

    Beauchamp:  Really bad.  The meteor that people say led to the extinction of the dinosaurs was only about 6 miles wide.

    Letterman:  Ouch.  But it’s not likely to hit us, right?

    Beauchamp:  Again, there’s no real consensus on that either.  We will know for sure this December, but what I’m hearing from NASA and the European Space Agency is that they don’t like how close it will come.

    Letterman:  I hear the bookies in Las Vegas won’t make odds on it because if it hits, they can’t collect.  <<laughter>>  But the real question is, can we do anything about it from here?

    Beauchamp:  In my opinion we should use the Space Shuttles to examine it up close because, how cool would that be? And, I’m sure there has to be some way to change its course so it won’t hit us.

    Letterman:  Would you want to go in the Shuttle?

    Beauchamp:  Of course!  But I am not qualified.

    Roberts:  I read that you have two degrees and are a tenured professor.

    Letterman:  I thought I was the one who had research staff.

    Beauchamp:  Well, if you want someone from Quebec who’s really qualified, you want Julie Payette.  She’s already an astronaut, she has a Master of Applied Science in Computer Engineering, is a commercial pilot, speaks five languages, has about 600 hours of space time, is a classically trained musician, and is a mother of two.  I’m a big fan of hers but thinking about what she does in a day tires me out.

    Roberts:  Dave, you should have her on the show too.

    Letterman:  I will, if we live.

    Back at her hotel, Mélanie was too tired to think.  She carefully extricated herself from the Dior suit, showered, put on comfortable pajamas and flopped into bed.  Although it was dinner time, she did not care.  She was asleep.

    March 17, 2009

    Back in Montreal, Mélanie was at her mother and father’s house trying to fill them in on every detail about the Letterman experience.

    “Maman, if you keep asking questions, it won’t be worth watching the show.”

    Letterman came on the TV and the three of them watched in silence.

    “You were brilliant,” said Mélanie’s father.

    “The dress really worked; you looked lovely,” said her mother.

    “I’m going to bed,” said Mélanie.

    Once comfortable in her bed, her phone rang.  Mélanie looked at the display.  PAYETTE.  “Oh crap,” Mélanie thought.  “‘Allo?”

    Mélanie, c’est Julie Payette.

    Comment va-t-il?

    NASA m’a appelé dix minutes passé. Merci beaucoup; Je suis assigné à la mission.”

    “What mission?”  Anything to do with NASA compelled Mélanie to speak in English.

    “The Shuttle missions to move The Object.  Had I known someone talking about me on Letterman would sway crew assignments, I’d have hired a press agent!”

    April 10, 2009

    Mélanie walked into Pierre’s office at McGill.  She placed a hand-written note in front of him:

    Stop the dirty lies you dirty bitch – there’s no such thing as aliens – God created the earth and us in His likeness.  You’ll pay for you’re lies bitch.

    “Yes, well.  He doesn’t spell your correctly, does he?”

    “Pierre …”

    “Yes I know.  It’s getting too much.  I have a confession to make:  I asked the IT department to filter your email because we were getting worried. People’s vitriol increases as we get closer to contact with The Object.  People are focusing on you and that’s not good.”

    “But, I don’t want to quit.  Or hide.”

    Pierre’s desk phone rang.  He picked it up.  “Yes, yes, send them in; the timing’s perfect.”

    Mélanie stared at Pierre.

    “I took the liberty,” he continued, “of asking for some security help.  Since you are crossing borders all the time, I contacted a friend of mine at the Canadian Border Services.  They, in turn, asked sister agencies for resources.”

    Three large men entered Pierre’s office.

    “Mélanie, please meet your shadows.  James, Luc and Konrad.”

    Mélanie looked at the three men.  She was five-foot-eight, an OK height, but these guys were at least six-four.  And built like brick walls.  She shook their hands.

    James spoke first; he had the distinct tone of someone who chewed gravel.  “Yes, Ma’am we will be taking shifts covering you 24/7.  Our respective departments did a risk assessment and at this time we feel that our presence should deter the basic crazies from annoying you.”

    “24/7?”

    “Yes, Ma’am.  Three eight hour shifts.”

    “I guess I know where to go for a last minute date, then, eh?”

    “If necessary Ma’am.  However, I think I can speak for the three of us, when I say we aren’t much fun.”

    June 12, 2009

    Mélanie was waiting in the Green Room for The View.  Her talk show circuit had seen her on the road so much that she was starting to get used to the process.  She had the feeling that NASA and the other Space Agencies were using her as a distraction from their planning process.  She knew that the CPUs were likely wanting to melt under the demands to simulate the mission to move The Object.  Her not-so-inner scientist wanted to know what they were thinking.

    One of The View‘s production assistants said, “We’re ready for you Ms Beauchamp.”

    Whoopi:  We are thrilled to have on the show today Melanie Beauchamp, the McGill Professor of Astronomy who first observed what is now called the Beauchamp Object in the night sky.

    Mélanie gave all the ladies a quick hug hello: Joy, Sherri, Elizabeth, Barbara and Whoopi.

    Whoopi:  So, I understand you’ve been on the road a lot!

    Beauchamp:  It’s true, but this is an opportunity that you simply cannot turn down.

    Joy:  What I want to know is … what’s with those guys with you?

    Beauchamp:  Ah, my “shadows.”  A gift from the Canadian government I can’t turn down.

    Whoopi:  Are you saying that because this Object is alien – I can say stuff like that; I used to be on Star Trek – that people are blaming you?

    Beauchamp:  Certainly I am a person associated with this situation.  The Object has brought up many questions that have seemed to have unhinged people.

    Joy:  And those big men to keep the nutcases away from you?  I kind of like the dark-haired one.

    Beauchamp:  Luc? Oh, he’s fine.  But you don’t want to watch these guys eat.  It’s scary.  <<laughter>>

    Sherri:  Now with this being a panel of women interviewing you, is it just luck that they found a scientist who dresses as well as you?

    Beauchamp:  Oh thank you.  When your mother is insistent on haute couture and bonne comportement it doesn’t matter how much of a geek you are under the garments and make-up.

    Sherri:  You have such a cool accent.

    Barbara:  Of course what we want to know is what is NASA doing about this piece of space junk?  If it hits us, it’s end-of-the-world stuff.

    Beauchamp:  NASA and other agencies are keeping the analysis secret because they are likely in a brain-storming phase.  If you get distracted by reactions to ideas that you may throw out anyway, it tends to waste time.

    Barbara:  Do you get any advance warning of decisions or plans they make?

    Beauchamp:  Maybe a little.  But by the time I do my own analysis, the information is out there.  I don’t like talking about stuff until I figure it out.  I think people expect me to make it simple.

    Elizabeth:  What’s your favourite theory about where this Object is from?  I’ve seen a number of your interviews and you never really answer this question, but I’m dying to know what makes sense to you.

    Beauchamp:  You’re not going to let me dodge that question, are you?

    Elizabeth:  No way!

    Beauchamp:  OK, this Object is not moving very fast.  Assuming it was made in another solar system, it’s been on the move for literally thousands, maybe millions of years.  I think it’s an artifact (maybe part of a space station or space ship) of another civilization – one that has long since vanished.

    Barbara:  You don’t think anyone’s on The Object now, do you?

    Beauchamp:  No, The Object is not under power and there’s no variation in its temperature.  If there was activity on or in it, something would show up.  A lot of telescopes have looked at this thing now.

    Whoopi:  Wow, I just never thought I’d be in a real life Star Trek episode.  We’ll be right back with Melanie after we get some bidniss done.  <<cut to commercial>>

    July 4, 2009

    Two days earlier, Mélanie had received a preview to the plan for the Shuttle mission to move The Object.  It was ambitious.  At first glance, almost insane.

    Mélanie’s popularity required her to rent a different apartment in Montreal.  It was a tiny flat – she didn’t need much as she was on the road so much – but it allowed her to escape for small periods of time.

    Barack Obama was on TV, giving a July 4 speech.

    As we celebrate our amazing country as it faces an historic economic challenge, I have the privilege today of giving you an update on our “Outer Space” problem.

    The Beauchamp Object is still coming toward Earth and our best scientists do not feel it’s good enough to sit on our hands and hope for a miss.  We need to make sure this Object is out of our way.

    These same scientists also don’t hide their curiosity about The Object – we all share it – and I agree that we can’t miss an opportunity for study.  But, I said to them: “safety first; curiosity second.”

    In concert with all world space agencies, with a command centre on the International Space Station, we will launch in December all three Shuttles in our fleet to meet this threat.  Discovery, Atlantis and Endeavour will be loaded up with portable thrusters that will be attached to The Object.  Then the thrusters will be fired up in a controlled manner and will change the movement of The Object and take it out of our way.

    This plan to me embodies both American spirit, ingenuity and a new found ability to co-operate with other nations.  What I have seen in the world in our ability to rise to challenges has made me more proud than I thought possible to be an American and citizen of the world.

    Mélanie fretted.  What she read and was hearing from people willing to talk to her off the record was that everything about this mission was at maximum.  There were going to be an unprecedented number of shuttle launches to put equipment on the International Space Station.  The distance that The Object was going to be engaged was at maximum distance for the Shuttles.  The strain on the astronauts was going to be huge.

    But what was simple was the idea for moving it.  The thrusters they had in mind were cheap to make, relatively light, and could be networked by computers to manipulate the thrust.  A large number of thrusters would be needed but the level of control would be significant.  Overall, it was a much less dramatic solution than trying to blow up The Object or something equally Hollywood.

    Her phone rang.  It was Pierre.

    “Hello?”

    “Mélanie, can you come to Ottawa with me tomorrow?”

    “Why?”

    “The Prime Minister wants to see us on Monday.”

    July 6, 2009

    The cab from the hotel dropped Mélanie, Pierre and Konrad – the security agent on duty at the time – in front of Parliament Hill.

    Hill Security escorted the three to the Prime Minister’s Office where they waited.  Eventually an Aide to the Prime Minister ushered all but Konrad in to meet Stephen Harper.

    The Prime Minister shook their hands and asked them to sit.

    “I have to say that you two have done an excellent job representing Canada during this situation with The Object.  I’ll be frank in saying that I’ve taken a fair bit of flak for not meeting with you sooner.”

    “What can you do about the press, hein?” said Pierre.

    Mélanie was shocked by Pierre’s glibness, but kept silent.

    “I’ll get right to the point here.  First, I want you two to know that I want you to keep the good work you are doing going.  There’s a lot of speculation and fear-mongering going around and I appreciate you sticking to the facts.  Second, I know that you have security.  Has it been adequate?”

    Harper looked directly at Mélanie at this point.

    “Ah, yes.  The three principal agents have been totally professional and I feel safe,” said Mélanie.

    “I’m glad to hear it.  I want you to know that if you need any further protection, we will arrange it.”

    “OK,” said Mélanie.

    “Third,” continued Harper, “President Obama has arm-twisted the world governments into funding this mission, the cost of which is massive.  He’s using a formula of percentage of GDP.  What I really want to hear is that this Beauchamp Object – I’m sure you are thrilled that name took and not that ESADO name that NASA’s trying to use – is for real.  That the threat is real and that we have no other choice but to commit to the mission.”

    Mélanie was shocked that someone at this level of government could harbour any doubts given the readily available data on The Object.

    Pierre was a faster talker.  “Prime Minister, I assure you that this is for real.  The closer The Object gets to Earth, the more the odds improve in favour of it hitting us.”

    Harper turned to Mélanie.

    “Yes, sir,” said Mélanie.  “I crunch the numbers as I get them from our sources and there does not seem to be any doubt.”

    “OK,” said Harper, “What about the plan that NASA’s come up with?  It sounds complicated.”

    “It’s only half complicated,” said Mélanie.  “The brilliant part is to employ the many thrusters instead of trying to find a single source of movement.  This gives much more room for the unexpected and in the end delivers more control over the moment.  Our own technical limitations are what make things complicated.  We would rather meet The Object deeper in space.  But, the Shuttles have limits.  Other limits include payload per Shuttle, which is why so much gear has to be taken up to the Space Station ahead of time.  Since we don’t have a clue what The Object is made of, they have to plan for different scenarios when they try to move it.”

    Pierre cut her off.  “Prime Minister, she could go on for days.  The point is that in our opinion – and we’ve literally been at the problem longer than anyone – NASA and the other Space Agencies have come up with a risky but do-able plan.”

    Harper looked at them both.  “Well, I guess we’re in with both feet.”

    August 31, 2009

    Mélanie was dipping her feet in Lake Massawippi.  She was hiding at Pierre’s mother’s cabin in Quebec’s Eastern Townships where it was stinking hot (32 Celsius) therefore she was outside in a bathing suit, sitting on the dock.  She was away from the media and the science of her life, but the presence of Luc reminded her that she was not back to normal.  He looked ludicrous in regular undercover cop clothes.

    “Luc, get a bathing suit and come in.”

    “Sorry Ms Beauchamp.  I’d love to, but one photo of me in the water with you would ruin us both.  How about next summer?”

    “You think there’s going to be a summer for anyone next summer?”

    “A man can hope.”

    November 27, 2009

    A strange hush was coming over the world.  With the exception of people for whom the stress of possible global disaster had unhinged, crime was down, the markets were flat. All commodities were static with the exception of wine and spirits; it seemed many people were self-medicating. Everyone waited, even though contact with The Object was not due until December 23.

    Meanwhile, Mélanie was on CBC’s The National.

    Mansbridge:  Mélanie, it’s good to have you on the show again.

    Beauchamp: It’s good to be back, Peter.

    Mansbridge:  We are less than a month away from the final stage of the mission and you are the envy of every journalist in the world because you have been involved since the beginning. What do you think of the chances of success?

    Beauchamp: Chances are hard to calculate when there are unknown variables. But, I know from talking to so many people that the best people in the world are doing the work.  The Object has given the whole world a common focus never seen before.  There’s no reason the mission won’t succeed.

    Mansbridge:  It’s difficult to avoid pointless speculation, but I am really curious about your views on one concept.  The Object seems unerringly aimed at Earth. With Space being so huge, isn’t that unlikely? Which makes me wonder, was it intended for us all the time?

    Beauchamp: I think The Object being observable by us at all is unlikely. The fact it’s drawn to Earth is, in my view, the result of the angle at which The Object entered the solar system and Earth’s gravitational pull.  The Object has taken years and years to get here.  If this were deliberate, it would be like throwing a baseball at someone, but instead of throwing it with speed, you’d get on your hands and knees and roll it along the ground to your intended target.

    Mansbridge:  <<laughing>> This is why the media likes you.  One last question: once the Shuttle crews get their eyes on The Object, do you think there will be clues as to its origins?

    Beauchamp: Oh do I ever hope so.

    As Mélanie was leaving the CBC studios in Toronto, her phone rang.  It was Pierre.  “They want you at Cape Canaveral as soon as possible.”

    “Why?”

    “They figure they owe you as much and, it seems, they consider you their lucky charm.”

    December 23, 2009

    Discovery, Atlantis and Endeavour were all in orbit.  Mélanie had the pleasure of meeting all the crews as they boarded the orbiters.  She had wished Julie Payette special luck as she boarded Endeavour.

    She could not imagine how brave these people were to be undertaking such a mission.  She felt that she was just the mouthpiece – she had not done anything but review their plans, and talk about them in plain language with the public.  Now these men and women were going to execute the most dangerous space operation ever conceived.  The price of failure was unimaginable.

    Konrad was shadowing Mélanie that day.  They walked down a corridor toward an office they’d set up for her, but she was interrupted by a Mission Control Specialist.  “Ms Beauchamp, they’re ready for you in the VIP mission observatory.”

    She and Konrad were ushered to an unmarked door and led in.

    Inside were some of the more famous faces in the world.  They all had comfortable chairs that watched the status screens and live feeds of the mission.  President Obama interrupted a conversation with some aides and approached her.  “Ms Beauchamp, a pleasure to finally meet you.” And they shook hands.

    “The honour is mine, Mr. President.  You can call me Mélanie if you wish.”

    “Well, Mélanie that’s great.  I hope to be able to introduce you to Michelle, Malia and Sasha later.  They find all this technical stuff pretty dry so they’re taking a break.  The girls think you are pretty cool.”

    “That’s terrific; thank you for inviting me.”

    “It seems fitting.  You better take a seat, if I’m right the Shuttles are about to make first visual contact.”

    Mélanie was seated and watched the big screen resolve.  The radio chatter from the Shuttles and Space Station were piped into the room.  The Object looked like a dull grey disc.  As the Shuttles moved into position, the perspective was lost and the whole screen looked grey.

    Endeavour was in charge of the scientific research.  The mission had been allowed a very narrow window of time where it would take samples and do visual recording of the surface.  Endeavour lit up the surface of The Object and everyone in the VIP observatory gasped.  Once the light hit the surface, a variety of markings, which seemed impossible to be anything else but language, appeared.  “Are you all seeing this?!” said Endeavour.

    “Yes,” replied Mission Control.  “Stay focused.  We’re on a tight time line.”

    Mélanie thought that – assuming the plan worked – a whole new discipline of xeno-linguistics had just been born.

    Each Shuttle had special equipment to deploy the small thrusters.  The trick was to make sure they all attached in the pre-planned location.  Each thruster would have just the right momentum to reach The Object and would issue a tiny bit of thrust to keep it stuck on the surface.

    It was going to be well into the next day before the job was complete and the thrusters could be fired.  No one on the planet missed the point that due to the limitations of how far the Shuttles could travel from Earth, The Object had to come dangerously close to Earth before the plan could be executed.

    December 24, 2009

    Mélanie did not sleep and did not stop blogging on her computer.  She took bio-breaks only as needed, kept a video line open to her parents, and really did enjoy meeting the Obama girls.

    So far the mission had gone according to plan.  They were 90 percent finished with the deployment of the thrusters.  Then the worst sound you could hear on the radio came through.  “We have a problem,” reported Atlantis.  “A thruster has got away from us – looks like its gas tank burst.”

    “We’re hit,” reported Endeavour.

    “What’s going on?” asked Obama.

    “Get me a camera on this!” ordered Mission Control.

    The VIP observatory screens showed a scratchy image of Endeavour‘s tailfin.  A large portion of it had been broken off.  Endeavour was listing oddly.

    Endeavour, do you have attitude control?”

    “Yes,” reported Endeavour.  “We are in the process of getting ourselves back into position.”

    “Any other damage?”

    “All systems normal; it looks like our damage is strictly external.”

    “Stand by.”

    Mélanie was feeling light-headed.  Endeavour was not coing home.  She figured Mission Control was wondering what to do.

    Endeavour,” called Mission Control.  “Deploy the rest of your thrusters asap.  Once you are done, get yourselves to the Space Station.  We stick to the plan.”

    “Acknowledged.”

    It was 10:43 PM eastern time. The Shuttles had moved off and the thrusters on The Object fired up.  The calculations for how much thrust had been repeated, simulated and repeated endlessly.  Now it was time to see if the math worked.

    It was going to take more hours of watching monitors to see if it worked.  Mélanie thought the waiting would drive her crazy.  It occurred to her that if it did not work, the only humans left would be those on the Space Station. They would be short lived witnesses to the end of humanity.

    December 25, 2009

    By 2 AM, Mélanie was personally sure that the crisis had passed.  But it was up to Mission Control to call it.  They were confirming with the International Space Station that their ground-based readings were correct.

    At 2:12 AM eastern time, Mission Control announced:  “We are relieved to report ‘mission accomplished’.”

    “Not a bad Christmas present,” said President Obama as he worked the room shaking hands and hugging everyone he could find.

    Mélanie’s three shadows stood nearby.  She threw herself at each one in turn and kissed them hard.

    A text message came in from Pierre.  “I guess you can take the day off.”

  • 2008:  Dead Man Laughing

    2008: Dead Man Laughing

    Tom entered his Yaletown apartment, put his laptop case on the hall book case and concluded that Christmastime was a bad time to visit the doctor.

    It was December 22, a Monday, and it was nearly 1 PM.  He had chosen not to go back to the office after his visit to the doctor.  He had text-messaged his staff to say he was afflicted with a bad case of It’s-Nearly-Christmasitis: a good lie that involved them not hearing the tone in his voice.

    His wife and two teenaged sons were out: school or work or shopping or something.

    Tom looked out his living room window onto the view – a great view, but one that did not give him any pleasure.

    It was a rare sunny December Vancouver day.  Tom felt he could not stay in and decided to rebel against his doctor and go for a walk.  But where?  On the coffee table rested a newspaper insert touting what to do in Vancouver at Christmas.  Stanley Park.  Christmas Train.

    The Lion’s Gate Bridge should do fine, thought Tom.

    He powered off his phone, put it in his pocket, grabbed a scarf and stepped out the door to the elevator.

    ***

    His condo was near Homer and Pacific.  When he walked to cross Pacific (on the green light) he heard the screeching of brakes and saw a woman, on her cell phone, driving with her left hand that also held a cigarette.  She waited for him to walk further into the intersection and then raced through, never looked at him and vanished.  Self-absorbed, Yaletown, entitled, rich, empty-headed chick.  Tom thought.  At least it was a 2008 blue BMW M6 convertible.  Nice car.  Pity about the driver.

    As if spoken by someone right beside him, Tom heard an Afrikaans-accented voice: “You know, Tom, back in Cape Town we used to say that BMW stood for ‘Break My Window’.” Tom never laughed harder than when he had hung out with Boyle.

    Tom looked to the right as if Boyle were actually standing there.  But he wasn’t of course; Tom hadn’t seen Boyle in 20 years.  Not seeing Boyle would continue; he’d been brutally murdered in the 1990s during a carjacking in Johannesburg.  They had met doing post-grad work in Cape Town.  Tom’s sense that Boyle had been right beside him did not lift until Tom had reached Davie Street.

    At Davie, Tom turned left and headed west.  The incident with the car made him ponder cars.  As a mode of transportation, the car was insane.  Usually one person was driving in something 20 or 30 times their weight, burning fuel that, were the exhaust fumes pumped into your house, would make you sick and force you out of your home.  Tom wondered who first ever approved the mainstream development of the automobile.  Wouldn’t some King somewhere have been shown this?

    Officer of the Court:  “Your Majesty, I present Herr Karl Benz.”

    King:  “How do you Herr Benz?”

    Benz:  “I am vell, your majesty.  I vill be demonstrating today zee internal combustion engine as it applies to a horseless carriage.  Shall vee proceed outside?”

    King:  “Why outside?”

    Benz:  “Safety, your majesty.”  (This should have been the first clue.)

    Once outside, Tom imagined Benz showing the King a simple car driving around a gravel pathway.

    King:  “Herr Benz, what’s that smell?”

    Benz:  “Er, engine exhaust your majesty.”

    King:  “Will they all smell like that and burn the inside the Royal Nostrils?”

    Benz:  “Vee are verking on zat problem.”

    King:  “Hmm.  Where does this exhaust go?”

    Benz:  “The vind takes it away.”

    King:  “Away where?”

    Benz:  “Away.”

    King:  “And you envision many hundreds of these on the roads of the kingdom.”

    Benz:  “Yes, your majesty.”

    King:  “Riiiiiight …”

    ***

    Tom was nearing Burrard Street and realized that, despite his sense that cars were silly, he had not seen a bus.  Despite all the moaning people do about how horrible cars are, public transit as an option was also insane.  One bus ride on a hot summer’s day with a smelly, loud, mentally ill alcoholic was enough to put anyone but the most desperate off transit.  In your car you can listen to your music, smell your own smells and talk on your cell phone (until they ban it) as loudly as you want.  Buses have leaking noise from iPods, more variety of smells than Marrakesh’s market on a hot day, and drivers with feet that suffer from Random Use of the Brake Syndrome (RUBS).

    Tom felt that meeting destiny was best done on foot.

    Continuing down Davie Street and crossing Burrard was like changing worlds.  The cultural diversity expanded.  Old, young, Asian, straight, gay and more.  Tom thought he always had good “gaydar,” but in the West End he simply assumed that men holding hands was a key indicator.  He couldn’t help but laugh at the recent US election where a (sort of) Black/African American President was elected and at the same time the African American population in California voted to define marriage as being between boys and girls only.  Tom’s mind was jumping about like a frog on a hot plate and he recalled one of his many recent sick days at home on the couch.  On Halloween Wanda Sykes was a guest on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.  Tom couldn’t recall how she had led into it, but Sykes argued that it’s harder to be gay in America than Black because one did not have to come out of the Black Closet or reveal a hidden Black Lifestyle.  Tom started snickering and realized that it was funnier to remember this than it was to watch the first time.  In some ways he felt that he didn’t deserve to find this funny; he was white, straight and could only consider him self middle-aged if he planned on living to 102.

    ***

    Unsurprisingly, at Thurlow Street, there was a Starbucks.  Tom felt that his journey would be better with a latte.  His feet were starting to hurt and he hadn’t even got to Stanley Park yet.  He joined the line up and stood behind a woman in yoga gear who had a spectacular butt.  Tom wondered just how much money that Chip guy at Lululemon had made dressing women in pants that made almost any ass look good.

    It also seems, Tom thought, desperately unfair that I can’t pat this bottom or say, “Jesus, your ass is fantastic, can I see more?”  Or perhaps something less threatening like, “Thank you for showing me your ass; it makes me feel better by dumping the right chemicals into my brain.”  Ironically, were he caught looking, he would be considered a pervert when in fact he was just highly heterosexual – or at least he was until he got sick.

    At the counter she ordered “A tall soy milk latte with a shot of sugar free vanilla.”

    Tom took extreme effort not to laugh but stay focused on her ass.

    When she turned to leave, and head to the pick up counter, she smiled at Tom and said “Merry Christmas.”

    The Starbucks barista said, “You were looking at her butt, right?”

    “How could I miss?  Grande Latte extra hot.”

    “Sure.  She knew, you know.”

    “How?”

    “They all do.”

    “I guess it’s not just Santa Claus who’s watching.”

    ***

    Continuing down Davie Street, Tom reached Broughton Street and saw the first clear view of the ocean and the mountains.  He stopped, partly to catch his breath, and partly to admire the view.  The road started downhill and so did some of the people.  There was a crazy guy holding his hand in the shape of a gun, using his index and middle fingers as the barrel.  He was “shooting” at something, but Tom could not figure out what.  The nutter had a salt-and-pepper beard, work boots, blue jeans, a sweater that could not possibly be warm enough and the stiff-neck posture of a man who is off his meds.  Tom kept walking.

    Further west there was a police car and a paddy wagon in the process of rousting a young couple who had “drug dealers” written all over them.  Tom felt they could not have been more obvious had they had Buy Heroin Here tattooed on their foreheads.

    ***

    When Davie met Denman, Tom crossed the street and moved onto Beach Avenue, which led straight into Stanley Park.  He found a sign saying he was in Stanley Park; at this point Tom realized he wasn’t sure what direction to go.  He could have taken the Sea Wall route practically from his apartment’s back doors, via False Creek, but he’d wanted a more direct route.  He dimly recalled there being a small playground and a road that went around Lost Lagoon Lake.  It took only a few minutes to reach it.  On his way there, he found a group of tourists admiring four raccoons.

    Better be careful, Tom thought, they’ll take you hostage for your food. Remember what happened in Germany!

    Tom was recalling an article he had read that raccoons had become a menace in Germany after their deliberate introduction. Apparently a moron had asked a crazy guy, specifically Hermann Göring, for permission to release raccoons to “enrich the local fauna.”  The concept of Nazi raccoons made Tom smile.

    Upon further observation, Tom noticed the tourists were feeding the raccoons; the critters were stationed almost directly below the sign that instructs people not to feed the wildlife.  Tom veered away from them so that they would not see him laughing.  He then found a map of the park and he figured out a way to get to the Causeway, which was a kind of mini highway that cut through the middle of Stanley Park, giving access to the Lion’s Gate Bridge.

    By the time he had walked over to the pedestrian underpass that let him gain access to the sidewalk on the Causeway, Tom realized two things: this was a longer walk than he thought and his feet hurt.

    Cars hurtled past him as he walked up the grade toward the bridge.  His mind was becoming less focused, but somehow he could only think of absurd things.  He caught a whiff of skunk, and he wondered if someone on the newly elected Parks Board would try to argue that Stanley Park was a wild space.  This ludicrous debate had kicked in when a massive wind storm had damaged the park in 2006.  Tom imagined himself at a Parks Board meeting trying to argue for the reintroduction of native species to the park, namely bears, wolves and deer.  Tom could imagine the cricket players of Brockton Point whacking black bears with cricket bats.  He also wanted to argue for shooting permits to eliminate black and grey squirrels that had been imported from Ontario and Quebec.  In fact, forget shooting the squirrels.  Let the wolves and coyotes eat them.

    As his feet continued to pulse painfully in his shoes, and certain tender areas were starting to chaff, Tom wondered if he was going to make it to the bridge at all.

    He focused on one step at a time and let the noise of the rushing cars put him in a neutral mental state.

    ***

    He reached the Prospect Point off-ramp that goes into Stanley Park – the spot where the tow truck always waits for someone on the bridge to break down – and Tom said, “Oh for Christ’s sake!”

    Tom realized he was on the wrong side of the road.  He had no intention of contemplating his ultimate destiny looking into Vancouver Harbour from the Lion’s Gate Bridge.  He wanted to look west, to see if he could see Vancouver Island (it was a clear enough day) and imagine the open ocean beyond.

    The cars on the Causeway were running two lanes north and one south, and were all going no less than 60 km/h.  Even if he could sprint across the road, he’d be road kill before he could take his first deep breath.  This was not a fitting end.  Tom imagined the comments at the funeral:

    Mourner 1:  How’d he die?

    Mourner 2:  Tried to cross the Stanley Park Causeway on foot.

    Mourner 1:  What a goddamn idiot.

    Then Tom remembered he could leave the Causeway via the off-ramp and go over an over pass, which was in plain view in front of him, and cross over to the other side.

    He trudged up the road, which was not meant for foot traffic, and traversed the overpass, from where he caught a glimpse of the still-under-upgrade-construction Prospect Point café.  The tricky part was walking down the west side off-ramp road.  It had a very sharp curve to it; he noted that cars were not paying attention to the 30 km limit as they blasted past him.

    It was dark in the woods and he realized, although the sun had not set, it was low in the south west.  It would be a terrific view from the bridge – if he ever got there.

    Back on the correct side of the Causeway, he finally got onto the foot path on the west side of the bridge and made it to mid span.  He leaned against the railing, panting, sweating and wondering what the hell he thought he was doing.

    Tom reached took a breath.

    He looked from left to right.  His first view showed the trees of Stanley Park, the Sea Wall path, and in the distance, he could faintly make out Vancouver Island’s mountain range.  Only one freighter was anchored, looking forlorn.

    Looking straight ahead, he identified the point of land behind which Horseshoe Bay hid, with its ferries to Vancouver Island and the Sunshine Coast.

    To the right, of course, was West Vancouver.

    Suddenly all Tom could think of was the Mayor of West Vancouver, who had recently been re-elected with a margin of only 635 votes.  Completely without control, Tom’s mind flooded his visual memory with this image:

    And Tom could not stop laughing.  Ever since the mayor had been embroiled in allegations that the West Vancouver Police had had drinking parties in the police station, she was on the news nightly with her astonishingly retro hairdos – ones that made Tom recall his mother’s friends.  His memories came from being six years old and Tom the little boy wondering: how the hell do they sleep with hair like that? Doesn’t it break?

    Tom leaned against the Lions Gate Bridge railing and laughed until he was in tears and finally spent.

    Once his breath settled, he heard Boyle’s Afrikaner voice.  “Laughter is certainly the best medicine Tom, but I recommend laughter and beer.”

    Tom wiped his face with his sleeve and noticed the sun had just started to touch the trees of Stanley Park.  He figured he’d better hurry if he was going to get somewhere useful while it was light out.

    With a distinct limp – his feet felt like two squashed watermelons – he walked back to Stanley Park and the exit to Prospect Point.  He pulled out his cell phone, powered it up and rang his wife’s number.

    “Hi Honey,” she said.

    “Hey,” Tom replied, “I need a favour.  Can you pick me up at the Prospect Point Café?”

    “Really?  How’d you get there?”

    “I walked.”

    “Get out.”

    “Yep.  Could you also find the boys and bring them?  We need to talk about my last appointment at the doctor.”

    “Jesus. Tom.  I might be an hour by the time I round up the guys.  Are you OK?”

    “I’m as OK as a second medical opinion and beer will make me.  I think the café is still licensed.  Take your time; I’ll rest my feet and enjoy the view.”

  • 2007:  The Only Reality You Have II

    2007: The Only Reality You Have II

    Editor’s note.  In the summer of 2075, during the production of Daniel Turner’s biography, I had been assured by those who knew the man that I would find unusual things in his personal writings and notes, which were publicly released five years after his death.  I had not expected to find evidence to suggest that he and his friend Dale Cromwell were either delusional or, as their diaries suggest, from an alternative universe.  Just writing the words “alternative universe” brings all my research work into question.  But, I have assembled this article with the intent to – in a short space – give you an idea of how their minds worked during that pivotal 2007 period.  Full transcripts of the diaries are, of course, available online.  This compact version should give you a glimpse into these fascinating lives that, regardless of your views on them, were doubtless key catalysts of the massive social change that raced through The Protectorate in the previous fifty-five years.

    Daniel Turner’s Diary – January 10, 2007 I have been in Toronto since discovering the Cessna wreck at Buttonville.  I had thought that I’d go underground to try to find Dale (or somehow prove to myself he didn’t exist) but I have come to the conclusion that I won’t be able to operate this way.  It’s like being dropped off in rural China with nothing but a smile and trying to find people. Also, I am finding that depression is setting in and I have decided to start writing this secret journal just to keep my nut screwed on. I am also having misgivings about leaving my own frozen body out in the woods for people to eventually find.  It strikes me that my life here would be simpler if I didn’t have the fear of the police coming up to me and wondering why they have a corpse in an alien aircraft with my face on it. January 14, 2007 It was back breaking work (and took three nights) to use a sledge to haul enough gasoline to the crash site.  I think I did a bit of overkill getting the fuel out there and dumped over the entire airframe.  I also wanted it really, really hot.  I didn’t want the local police to be able to figure anything out.  Then I cleared brush from around the plane to create a firebreak so that I wouldn’t burn the whole of Buttonville to ashes.  As ghoulish as this seems, I took B&W photos of the site, including the corpses.  I will have to find a B&W darkroom to rent later to process the pictures.  Can’t send those to the local photo shop! It also worried me that I too would go up in flames.  I therefore wore a snowsuit over a sweater and regular clothes.  I set up a line of twigs and needles that was sprinkled with gas.  I dumped the snowsuit on the wreckage, walked back to the end of the twigs-and-needles fuse and lit it.  I ran away and did not have to go back.  The fireball was spectacular.  I kept a moment of silence and then drove the hell out of there.  It was an odd feeling.  I had just cremated my original body; I had taken over this universe’s Dan Turner.  I couldn’t help but imagine that Dan Turner was dead; his mind and soul gone where we all go when we die.  Same with Dale.  But now I had to find him to be sure. January 22, 2007 I promised myself that I was going to write every day, but I could not think of anything since the cremation.  I was wandering around a very grey and unexciting copy of Toronto.  Like Vancouver, it had all the street names, but none of the style.  Possibly worse was the fact that it was culture-free.  There were the so-called thralls (slaves) and white people.  I was pondering the problem of how to find Dale.  I went to bookstores and libraries trying to figure out how I’d search for Dale.  Assuming he was here at all, my next assumption was that he’d be in the US or Canada.  It turns out that only companies can own slaves (or what they call ‘hold rights of indentured servitude’).  Apparently the concept of individual slave owners is archaic.  It is doubtful that I will emotionally ever get past this whole slavery thing. Anyway, there seemed to be no central database that had names of slaves – at least not one accessible to individuals.  So this left me needing to set up a company.  But what would my company do?  While in a bookstore, in front of a magazine rack and I noticed that the titles were all really, really boring.  I was used to a blast of beautiful faces and bodies on the covers.  The sexiest cover was on a car magazine. Then it occurred to me. A toned-down version of Hugh Hefner’s concept of Playboy might just work.  If there were ever a society with pent-up demand for a brighter, sexier existence, it is this one.  Also, this generation is behind the times on the birth control pill and access to safe sex products: these items had only come out in the 90s. Technically I work for Molson’s, although I was now overdue to return to work.  I have a wife, who I don’t really know, who honestly would be fine-looking for the magazine I have in mind.  If the publication were to promote a lifestyle that was based on the idea that gentlemen want beautiful woman, fine cars, good booze – and I focus on that – I might be able to find Dale and have some fun in the process.  In the end, though, I have to form a company in order to find Dale.  It was time to return to Vancouver. January 25, 2007 Lindsey was not too happy to see me.  I felt bad for her because she will never get the response from me that might make her happy.  No matter what she felt, I have lost a whole world and my best friend could be a slave somewhere doing god-knows-what. So I took the offensive and apologized.  I said that the coma had messed me up and I wanted to do well by her and that I had a crazy but work-able idea.  At that point I gave her the vision of the magazine and that the side-effects of it would be that women would become real women who weren’t just housewives or secretaries, but totally sexy.  I was frank with her that I worried that a side-effect of this would be objectification.  I was caught off guard when Lindsey said, “And we aren’t objects now? It wasn’t until 1950 that we had the right to vote.  We were almost as non-persons as thralls and we were even white and bore the children.” I said to her that this crazy idea of mine might not work.  That it would ruffle feathers, it might just not fly and,  if she did not want to be the first Gentlemen’s Monthly Girl, that’s fine. “As long as I don’t have to wear stuff that makes me look fat,” she said. January 29, 2007 So, I finished the first day of work at Molson’s.  My marketing job is more of a reporting job using what I could have sworn was a mainframe terminal from the 80s.  Green screen and all.  I remember seeing systems like that at my first job – the IT guys had them for legacy systems.  Fortunately, I was able to BS my way through most of the stuff. I am not planning on staying at the company long.  My hope is to find out what the ad  buying process is and then hopefully build some contacts so that the first run of the magazine will have some advertisers.  Beer and magazines with beautiful women are made for each other. Setting up Gentlemen’s Monthly Enterprises was fairly straightforward.  This society is fairly free enterprise and seems to have not bogged itself down with bureaucracy.  The matter that everything is done on paper is getting annoying. I’m an email and online kind of guy.  The Internet, if it exists, is still totally controlled by government and/or military. February 14, 2007 I decided it was time to disclose to Lindsey about the other universe.  I was so focused on finding Dale that it was clear to her that I had another agenda.  She is enjoying the work on the magazine, despite the controversy.  So I took her out to dinner – we can now afford it – and explained it all.  I think that the rolls of film and the wallets that I retrieved from the crash site went a long way to convince her. “When will you abandon the search?  How do you know he’s not dead?” she asked. “You are very kind; you didn’t ask me when I was going to realize I was insane.” “Insanity is a possibility, for sure,” she said.  “But, how in heaven’s name do you forge wallets like these?  And what benefit is there to forging the wallet of a thrall?” “I will keep looking for a couple of years,” I answered, “under the guise of building up the right staff for the magazine.  If I don’t have a lead by that point, I’ll have to concede defeat.”

    Editor’s note.  Many of Mr. Turner’s entries between January and December 2007 involve details of setting up his company which I leave for you to review online.  The diary entries clearly show his search for Dale Cromwell was a growing obsession.  To get the full impact of this journey, I will now insert entries from Dale Cromwell’s diaries as well as Daniel Turner’s.

    Dale Cromwell’s Diary – December 12, 2007 Daniel is making me write.  Since there’s no psychological help for people with skin colour like mine in this fucked up world, Daniel said that writing it out was best.  At least it gets my brain working … Where to start?  The last year is a blur.  Waking in what they laughingly call a hospital for slaves was a shock.  They don’t use the word slave – thrall – what the fuck is that? – Anyway, they thought I was crazy.  It must have seemed that way given the shit I was saying about having an apartment, living in Toronto, actually not being the property of anyone, let alone General Motors.  I had no idea what was going on.  The beatings – by black people mostly – taught me to shut up.  Then, it was shift after shift of bending the same bit of fucking aluminium over and over.  Automation was minimal – it was as if the computer age had got to 1970 and stopped.  But why automate when all you have to do is breed slaves?  Probably the most disgusting aspect of the situation is the fact that men are studded out to black women who are considered good stock.  Most of “my kind” are honestly pretty fucking stupid.  Generations of no access to books and education (beyond what was needed for the job.)  And, if the companies want, they could breed in and out traits – just like cattle. I was depressed for months.  And now and then I’d let my big mouth blast off.  Then the black supervisor would pound the shit out of me for a while and then put me back on the line.  Every time they told me this would go on my record.  The supervisors said this with grave overtones – which had no meaning to me.  I figured later that the more marks in my record I had, the less likely I’d get a turn boinking the slave lady who was breeder of the week.  Jesus, what a fucked up system.  By the time this was dawning on me, I had figured out there was no way I was in the world I knew.  No way.  But how?  Why?  Where was Daniel?  I remember the plane.  How I let that idiot talk me into flying is beyond me.  I was totally shitting myself before that damn storm came up.  Then, boom.  I wake up in a stinking hospital in Detroit.  God. Daniel showing up was freaky.  I was planning to kill myself at this point because the life before me was a horrific vision.  Of course, I wanted to take as many of them with me as possible.  Regardless, it was only three days ago (feels like a year) I was taken into an office with white people.  A couple of white guys in suits sat at a table, with my file, and when the supervisor and I entered, they told us to sit.  A few minutes later, Daniel walks in with a six-foot-six black dude who looked meaner than a US Marine on a bad day in Iraq.  I was dumbstruck.  The GM whites were fawning over Daniel.  “Mr. Turner.  A great pleasure to meet you.  An honour.”  Blah blah blah.  And Daniel was sucking on an unlit pipe and wearing a blue suede jacket.  God, he looked stupid.  And then he fucking winked at me and flashed a smile.  And I knew it was him, really him.  The GM suits were asking him if this was a transaction he really wanted. “Absolutely,” Daniel said.  “The work I need him for is radically different than yours.  His record shows he’s not suited here.  Might as well make the best use of the resource, eh?” And then it hit me.  Dan was buying “my rights”, a euphemism for becoming my slave owner.  “Mr. Dennison”, Daniel said to the 6-6 guy, “could you review the contract please?”  The GM suits and my supervisor were looking shocked.  I guessed that slaves didn’t read, let alone read contracts.  I was keeping my mouth shut tight.  Once 6-6 was done, Daniel signed the contracts with a flourish.  “Mr. Dennison, please take Mr. Cromwell back to his accommodation, help him gather his belongings and bring him to the limo.” “Yes Mr. Turner.” As I walked down the corridor, 6-6 did not talk.  Neither did my supervisor.  It didn’t take long to pack.  I had nothing.  And we marched back out the gates of the barracks to a waiting limo.  6-6 opened the door and we stepped in.  There was a beautiful white woman sitting beside Daniel.  She said, “Is this him?” Daniel said:  “Dale, if I asked you: ‘what happened on 9/11?’ what would you say?” “Terrorist attack. Twin Towers.  George W. Bush.  Afghanistan.  Bin Laden,” I replied. Daniel lunged at me and hugged me.  The guy started crying.  Never thought of him as a crying kind of guy.  However, this was an exceptional situation.  So much so that I think I fainted in the car; it hit me like a brick that I was finally out of GM. Daniel Turner’s Diary – December 14, 2007 This is the first chance I’ve had to write since finding Dale.  I am really worried about him due to the treatment he suffered. It’s hard to believe that all that drowning in paper looking for Dale worked.  I am still annoyed, despite my success, that data about slaves is kept in individual companies’ files and is only accessible when you try to buy thrall rights.  Companies are required to log their slave discipline records.  Dale did not disappoint me; he had persistent anti-authority issues on his record. I do smile at my luck.  My search process found Mr. Dennison.  His IQ – had I a way to measure it – has got to be around 175.  His size makes people think he’s stupid when in fact he’s a genius.  I let him loose in my private library, which included history, business and other manner of material and he was like a kid in a candy factory.  Anyway, that’s how my contract manager came to be.  Dennison was also crucial in finding Dale. So when we walked into the office and saw Dale, it was as if I no longer felt alone in this world.  He validated that I was not insane. Lindsey and Mr. Dennison were shocked to see me so animated.  They knew I was looking for Dale, and I think they thought I was mad.  They truly became believers that I was from another world when we found Dale and they realized he was not raised here. What scared me more was Dale’s condition.  He passed out in the limo the day we picked him up.  Dennison carried him into the mansion and took him to the guest suite.  We tossed blankets over him and left him to sleep.  It was a full 24 hours later when Dale emerged.  I had been checking on him periodically and decided he needed sleep more than anything else.  I heard the shower in the guest suite going.  I had left him a note that he could clean up if he liked and change clothes.  When he came out of the room he said: “Where the hell are we?”  . “It’s a long story buddy,” I said.  “Are you hungry?  We could go down to the kitchen and talk.” I asked Dale what he remembered.  His story with the approach to Buttonville was consistent with what I recalled.  “My theory is that we fell through a hole and landed in this alternate universe. Kind of Bermuda Triangle-ish,” I said. In the kitchen I started making a couple of sandwiches and Dale asked, “What’s with the fancy digs?” I shook my head.  “After I landed in this world, I was shocked to find out that slavery existed.  I went to the crash site and found our original bodies and the Cessna.  I burned it all.  I want to be free to find you and I discovered that the only way I could find you was to start a company, because only companies can buy rights.  I am sorry it took so long.  I just feel sick that I couldn’t find you sooner.” “I appreciate it,” Dale said.  “I was near the end.” “What’s your company?”  Dale asked.  I explained the whole Hugh Hefner business model and he questioned my ethics, particularly around the objectification of women.  I showed him a copy of the magazine and he realized that it was tamer than the last Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  I hadn’t thought the publication would be so popular; clearly there had been pent up demand. “I have a favour to ask,” I said to Dale.  “I am curious to see what you think of what’s happened to history.  I have gone over all the history texts  I can find and the past seems to match my memory up to the US Civil War, or in this case, the US almost Civil War.  Can you look over the texts and let me know what you think?” Dale Cromwell’s Diary – December 16, 2007 I have spent two days in Daniel’s rather extensive library.  I can’t believe how much money he made selling a few editions of his magazine.  To call it soft porn would be misleading.  It’s so tame that you’d think Maxim was hard core.  But this society is so socially conservative, I just can’t imagine how I am going to live here.  And there’s not a lot of choice.  Part of my mind was hoping for a way back.  Not likely.  The crash site photos, the complete alien nature of my wallet from my 2006, and the fact that Daniel cremated our bodies don’t leave much doubt that we are here to stay.  As I look at my scarred hand that I’m writing with I agree with Daniel:  those were our actual bodies he cremated and we are some kind of invaders in the bodies we are using now. On the history front, I may not have been a history major, but things look totally normal until the US Civil War period and then bam.  Off kilter totally.  How there can be people with our names and similar bodies seems strange.  Apparently Lindsey was an old classmate of Daniel’s in our world.  For me, I wouldn’t know if any of my relations exist.  The access to records for slaves is nearly zero.  It’s freaky that Daniel found me at all.  Smart boy I tell you. I headed into the kitchen and found Daniel and Lindsey having brunch.  Daniel has set up this totally different persona that he puts on when he’s outside the mansion.  Once back inside, he’s himself again.  I think he’s only that way around Lindsey and me.  I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat with them. “Daniel, you are right about this whole world taking a big detour at the time of the US Civil War.” “Weird, eh?” “What’s making me mental is that we are assuming we are not crazy and that we are in an alternate universe.  There’s no way to prove that we not are hallucinating.” “The fact we are hallucinating the exact same thing makes that argument difficult to sustain.” “OK, so what’s your theory?” “Well, I think that it’s totally suspicious that the difference started at the Civil War.  To me someone went back in time and messed around.” “Time travel?!  Come on.” “Think about it.  Doesn’t this feel artificial to you?  The world is neatly divided up into US controlled-western hemisphere, Japan-controlled Asia, German-controlled Europe, butted up against the still-standing Soviet Union.  The wars that did happen were not nuclear (i.e no Hiroshima) and the body counts in each war are less.  It’s as if someone traded the lives and freedoms of so-called minorities for relative world peace.” That’s how I remember the conversation going.  Daniel was paranoid that some evil red neck time travellers were using the world as their own social experiment.  All this time Lindsey had just been staring at us.  How freaky must this be for her? “So, Lindsey,” I said, “you believe this guy when he says we’re from an alternative universe?” “Pretty much,” she said.  “Maybe his theory is off, but this is not the Dan Turner I knew.” “What about the coma – couldn’t that have just messed him up?” “The change is too fundamental.  Daniel doesn’t hit.  Doesn’t drink.  Is respectful of almost everyone.” “I do too drink,” said Daniel. “Wine with dinner doesn’t count.  When we got home last year from the hospital, you didn’t know we had a drinks cabinet.  Besides, what are the chances that an insane coma patient would have been able to find you?”  Lindsey pointed at me.  “You, who are the least thrall-like thrall I’ve ever seen.” “How so?” “Look at the way you are sitting.  Casually – like you belong here at the table with white people.  Daniel’s asked Dennison to sit with us a hundred times.  He can’t do it.” “He will, eventually,” Daniel said. “Are you,” I said addressing Lindsey,” comfortable with me sitting here?” She paused.  “Frankly?  No.  But sometimes, when I see you guys talking, I forget – I forget the fear that’s been hammered into me.  And that has, well, a miraculous feeling to it.” “Wow,” I said.  “It’s really that bad.  Daniel – do you have a plan?  I don’t think your fledgling soft porn industry can be that fulfilling.  And I’m stuck; I can’t travel; I’m not even a person for god’s sake.” “My idea,” said Daniel, “is to start as much non violent social change as we can.  I can’t live in this world and (involuntarily) endorse slavery.  However, open rebellion in a police state usually leads to a death squad.  So, we need to be subtle.” Daniel Turner’s Diary – December 17, 2007 This may sound weird but I’ve decided to marry Lindsey.  Oh sure technically we’re already married, but I’ve fallen in love with her.  Last month I fully and completely mourned the loss of Vera.  I don’t see any way of finding her. Her parents (in my world) were new Canadians.  And even if I did find her, she wouldn’t be her.  So when I think of Vera, I imagine that she died when I torched the Cessna. I’ve been hanging out with Lindsey because she has been incredibly good to me and (I am sad to admit) she a means to two ends.  She keeps me legit in this society and frankly, as the first Gentlemen’s Monthly Girl, she is stunning.  And she’s really gotten into training the subsequent women who are either models in the magazines or hostesses at the clubs.  It’s been truly a lot of fun breaking the rules and taboos here.  There are so many to break!  Unlike what happened in my world, I am training the women we hire to be as savvy about business (and business men) as possible, plus Mr. Dennison is teaching self defense to the ladies.  Somehow he got a hold of martial arts books and created his own course.  These girls look so good because they are curvy and strong.  Plus if any of these women can’t handle a thrall for a teacher, we let them go; it shows they just don’t get it.  I wish I could just free all the slaves (who am I? Moses?) because I find just thinking about it offensive. Anyway, Lindsey:  I will ask her to marry me.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m too crazy. Daniel Turner’s Diary – December 18, 2007 Lindsey said yes (after a lot of laughing and snorting).  I had brought with me a choice of five rings to replace the crap one Dan Turner bought her.  What a dickhead that guy was.  In the end she was touched and confessed that she was worried I’d run off with one of the models.  The potential for casual sex is pretty intense in this business, but I was never one for that kind of thing.  I never cheated on a girl friend: I kept things fairly serial, mind you; I always had a girlfriend. Also, she’s the only woman I trust in this world.  Dale and I will be brothers forever.  He and I are truly stuck with each other the way family members are.  Mr. Dennison is the only other person I trust.  He is very interested in my views of a free society where people aren’t discriminated against (as much).  Although I have to admit that when Dale and I were talking about same-sex marriage, which had been legal in my Canada for a couple of years before we left, I thought Mr. Dennison was going to freak out.  His self control, which is considerable, was shaken by the very thought.  Both black and white cultures have worked hard to eradicate the gay community (honestly, they still use the word gay to mean happy) so when Dale and I decribed going to Brian and Simon’s wedding (they were work friends) Mr. Dennison thought we were crazy. But in the end, this helped convince Mr. Dennison to go along with my security plan.  He could see why we were at risk from a variety of threats.  Many, many people would think Dale and I were beyond being heretical trouble-makers; in this paranoid police state people vanish and we would be first on the list, if we let them. Dale Cromwell’s Diary – December 19, 2007 I had a long talk with Daniel last night.  I laughed when he told me he proposed to Lindsey even though they were married.  They are thinking of starting the convention in this society of renewing marriage vows.  It’s a good publicity stunt because he’s trying to come across as the guy who breaks the rules but is also about family values. But the serious part of the conversation turned to what we do in this world.  I have to admit that I was surprised that Daniel was so sympathetic to my otherness in this world.  Because, back home, I’d have to be a black, gay, Jewish member of Al-Qaeda living in Alabama to get the same sense of otherness I get here.  The slaves (thralls, whatever) think I’m some kind of freak and of course the white people wonder why I’m not back in the factory bending bits of fucking aluminium.  So, when Daniel said he hated this world because it made him a slave-owner and the whole thought made him sick, we decided that we had to set a goal.  Namely we wanted to see the end of slavery before we died.  The proviso is that in the process we don’t get killed, which is exactly what would happen if we started marching in the streets.  I like Daniel’s more subversive approach.

    Editor’s note.  During the Christmas period of 2007, there were two entries that seemed to be the peak of the references to Turner and Cromwell being from another world, or another version of our world.  Accepting simultaneous dual mental illness is difficult.  However, there is no physical evidence to corroborate their stories.  Was this some kind of joint practical joke?  It is left to the reader to draw his or her own conclusions.

    Dale Cromwell’s Diary – December 24, 2007 It took me all day to stop shaking.  Yesterday I walked into Daniel’s study to find him in conversation with two strangers.  I found it odd not to see Dennison.  Daniel never had business meetings without him in the room.  Plus these guys looked wrong … somehow modern.  The suits they were wearing were cut more sharply than the current baggy suits.  The younger of the two looked like a secret service agent from my world. “Ah, Mr. Cromwell.  I am Dr. Evans.”  When I looked at him, he did look educated.  Fifty-ish. Angry behind his eyes.  “It’s good to meet you.  Mr. Turner has been confirming some suspicions.” “Who are you?”  I was stalling because I was sizing up his partner, who looked more dangerous. “They’re from the future, Dale.  Our future,” said Daniel. “No way,” I said. “Yes,” said Evans, “We’re from the early 22nd century.  We went back in time for research purposes and created this universe.” “Right.  How’d you do that?” “It was an accident.  We thought we’d be invisible, but instead we became tangible and that created a rupture.  Our theory is that alternate realities are created spontaneously: a natural process.  Our intervention created this one – artificially.” “How fucking reckless was that?” I asked. “Please.  This is beyond your primitive understanding. You can go forward in time without damage; you can’t go back.  We’ve been skipping ahead every decade or so to see how our adjustments have been taking.” “But,” said Daniel, “you did choose the Civil War era deliberately, right?” “Of course.  We are historians.” “So, I conclude that the continuation of slavery, regardless of what name you gave it, was your doing?” “Yes.” “Why?” “We concluded that the US Civil War was a major mistake and that the United States would have benefited from a more peaceful resolution.  Also the economic benefits of maintaining slavery as long as possible were very compelling.  In the world view we felt that Europe, the Russian sphere of influence, the Americas and Asia should be kept separate until such time as they economically, socially and culturally develop mutual tolerance.” I simply stared at this guy.  He was playing Lego with the whole world.  It was cold.  Totally with no perception of the impact on individuals or groups.  Plus, he’s wrong (or lying).  How do you develop mutual tolerance in isolation?  The people here talk about the Chinese and Japanese with terms so rude I can’t even write them down. “So how do you explain us?”  I didn’t know what else to ask.  The enormity of white jerks from the future totally fucking with the universe and creating one just for their own amusement … I shake thinking about it.  I don’t know if it made me feel better that Daniel was fairly on the ball about what had happened.  Who’d have guessed?  So this Dr. Evans mother kept talking: “You gentlemen are most peculiar.  We have observed tears in space-time where artifacts from our original universe came through.  We assume this to be a side effect of the rupture we created.  But you two are the only people to survive.  Well, survived from a psychic perspective; you are occupying other men’s bodies.  You know that, don’t you?” “Of course,” said Daniel.  “I cremated our original bodies myself.” The secret service looking guy – whose name I never found out – was tensing up every second that passed. “How resourceful,” said Evans.  “So I can only surmise the minds that were in the bodies you occupy now are where we all go when we die – wherever that is.” “What do you want?” said Daniel.  “Wait.  Let me guess.  I can’t imagine you came here out of simple curiosity.  Tell me if I’m wrong:  you stopped in to check on your little project and found us behaving in a clearly non standard way.  And you figure ‘damn, they’re messing with our plan.’ And now you’re here to ask us to stop or else you’ll use your 22nd century mojo on us.” “We certainly are asking you to stop interfering,” said Evans. Daniel suddenly slammed his hand three times on his desk.  “What about slavery?  The Jews? Women?  And who knows what other cultures you exterminated in this reality?” To understand what happened next, you have to realize that Daniel had not told me a lot of stuff.  I had no idea how paranoid Daniel was.  His office was lined with bookshelves.  Dennison had free rein in the study because the guy loves books so much. I thought it visually hilarious when Dennison and four other black dudes (who were around his size) came out from behind the book shelves.  It was the classic rotating bookshelf with hidden rooms.  The secret service guy took one of our guys down.  Broke his neck in a flash.  Dennison however was right on top of the secret service guy and the wet crunch was gross, and I think that sound will haunt me forever.  The other two guys pinned Evans down, keeping his hands away from his body in case of hidden devices.  This was planned.  Our guys had rehearsed this. Daniel’s face was a twisted, angry thing that I’ve never seen before.  He kneeled down beside Evans and said, “Mr. Dennison is going to take you now and ask you some questions about history.  Good luck.” Dennison then handcuffed Evans with hands in the back and took him through the rotating shelf door into a part of the mansion I’d never seen.  The other two of our guys took the two corpses right after them. Daniel looked at me.  “I think I’m going to be sick.” “How did you know?  You knew,” I said.  “You knew so well you planned for them.” “It was instinct.  I just could not believe this Leave-it-to-Beaver world could have been an accident.  Not when the changes started at the US Civil War.  I also bet their argument of it being an accident was only partly true.  I bet they came back to make changes, but didn’t think a new universe would be created.” “What’s Dennison going to do with them?” “I’ve asked him to find out some stuff, but in the end, what do you think Dennison would want to do with someone who put people through 200 years of slavery for their own idiotic reasons?” Daniel Turner’s Diary – December 24, 2007 I told Lindsey what happened in the office.  She was sombre.  I think there was a glint of amazement that my guesswork on what had happened was so close. She, Dennison and Dale are the only people I’ll talk to about this. I consider the actions I took with Dr. Evans and his sidekick as self-defence.  It was obvious that they wanted to end our lives. It’s funny/peculiar that I spent a year imagining this Evans guy.  Trying to picture this:  who would go back in time and mess with things that led to such obviously sick conclusions?  Why not try to institutionalize tolerance rather than slavery?  Maybe I’m just an optimist.  I figure that most groups of people can find common ground and mutual respect.  Especially if they agree to look for it. But Evans was close to what I imagined: an arrogant white guy.  But, I suspect that arrogance is the only reason I’m alive.  I doubt he thought some primitive 21st century guy could outsmart him.  Keeping it simple was the key. When they showed up with fake ID for what they call Revenue Canada here (i.e. Homeland Revenue – god, no escape from stupid names) I knew it was wrong.  This society just does not work at Christmas time.  Asking to dismiss Dennison was another giveaway. According to my speculations, they had to be sure we were what they thought.  Conversely, once I was sure they were as psycho as I imagined, I signalled Dennison and his crew. Of course with time travel, anything is possible … are there more of these guys around?  Evans was dead by the time Dennison got him to the cell.  Seems like he had a suicide capsule.  In the end we didn’t learn much.  I suspect there’s time travel equipment hidden somewhere.  Somehow I doubt we’d find it, even if we looked. I wish we hadn’t had our own loss of life.  I guess I knew they wouldn’t be wandering around the timeline without being able to defend themselves. I promised Dennison that I would do everything I could to get slavery abolished.  I guess I can get on with that with less paranoia.  It’ll be a refreshing way to live. Dale’s pretty spooked by the whole thing.  He actually wasn’t supposed to be there.  I hadn’t wanted him to see my plan in action, but oddly I think it was best; he knows for sure just how much I hate the situation he’s in due to his skin colour in this world. Well, I guess I’d better sign off here and get to the Christmas celebrations.  Always a party at the Gentlemen’s Monthly Mansion!

    Editor’s note.  As you can tell, these diary entries indeed make writing a biography complicated.  How can a scholar go forward with the supposition that our entire world, as it exists, is the result of 22nd century time travellers?  Or that two key figures in our recent history were from an alternative reality?  As you read the detailed notes, it’s not as if Turner and Cromwell describe the world they come from as a utopia.  But, whether they were delusional or not, it seemed these men tried to take the good from the world in their memories and bind them to the good in our world.  Turner and Cromwell were old men when the selling of the rights of thralls was ended.  I believe they died happy with their accomplishments.

  • 2006:  The Only Reality You Have

    2006: The Only Reality You Have

    You know it’s a bad day when you wake up in hospital and you hear, “Mr. Turner; I’m a nurse.  Do you understand me?”

    It was worse when I realized I could not speak and could only nod an acknowledgement to the nurse.  She said, “You’ve been in a coma.”

    The advantage of no speech was that it avoided really stupid and self-injurious questions.

    My hands were also too wobbly to write on a pad of paper so I had to wait for people to tell me things.

    “I’m Susan, matron of the floor.”

    I nodded.

    “You have been in a coma for nearly a month.”

    It was good for the matron’s ears that my voice wasn’t working; my language choices would have been questionable.

    “I will advise your family and they should be here soon. Go with God.”

     

    This left me time to think.  First, when was the last time there was a matron in a hospital?  Second, what was with those funky white hats? It reminded me of nurses from old 1950s Hitchcock movies.

    The bigger mystery was the VGH (Vancouver General Hospital).  Last I knew, I was in Toronto.  Then I realized that I could not recall what I was last doing.  I lived in Toronto; what was I doing being a coma patient in Vancouver?

    I concentrated instead on trying to encourage my arms to move properly.  It felt like I had the worse case of pins-and-needles ever.  I slowly sipped on water through a straw, trying to see if I could lubricate my throat enough to talk.

    Then the matron escorted my mother to my bedside.

    This would not have been a problem, or a cause for surprise, had my mother not been dead these past 15 years.

    I may not remember how I got into a coma, but I sure as hell remember being by this woman’s bedside when she died of cancer.

    I started to choke up with tears and, fortunately for me, the matron interpreted this as happiness at seeing my mother and waking from a coma.  The pure shock of someone (who was supposed to be dead) hugging me nearly caused me to faint.  My curiosity refused to let me pass out.  Also, even if this were the most detailed hallucination ever, it was sure a gift to see my mother again, and in good health.  She seemed to have aged pretty well.  By my reckoning she’d be close to 90.

    If you could describe a mind as racing, that’s what mine was doing, but accompanied by the smell of burning rubber.

    It was at this point I made a decision that probably saved me from long term incarceration.  My friends describe me as an intuitive introvert: I shut up and think until my instincts tell me what to say and that it’ll be something good to say.  My instincts were screaming at me.  Something was terribly wrong, and not just wrong in a mixed-up sense, but wrong in a the-tiger-is-going-to-come-into-your-cave-and-eat-you sense.

    I did have partial amnesia.  My instincts told me that now would be a good time to pretend to have virtually complete amnesia.

    For some reason my left hand was moving before my right.  I weakly gestured for the pad of paper.  On it I scrawled in bad lefty handwriting, “What happened?  Is my name Daniel Turner?”

    The matron immediately left my side, went to the ward desk and, I assume, called for a neurologist.  As she left, she said to my mother, “Go with God.”

    “And with you,” replied my mother.

    The last time I heard a religious exchange of this sort was at the end of a church service.

    My mother sat in the chair by the bed and looked at me.  I tried to have a look of puzzlement, as opposed to panic, on my face.

    “Yes, honey, you are Dan Turner,” my mother said. “There’s really not much to tell,” she continued.  “You were at work and reported to the company’s nurse that you were experiencing headache and nausea.  Then you collapsed.  They rushed you to the hospital and they could not revive you.  They’ve been working on trying to figure out the cause of your illness.”

    Well, I thought, that was helpful.  My right hand was starting to wake up and I tried writing on the pad with it.  “Where do I work?” I scrawled.

    “Molson’s Brewery,” my mother said.  “You’re in marketing.”

    Marketing? I thought.  I’m a damned financial analyst.  What the hell am I doing in a marketing job?

    “I think we better wait for Lindsey to get here.”

    I blinked.

    “Your wife,” said my mother.

    Shit, I thought.  This was going to make the amnesia claim trickier.  How could I not remember living in Vancouver – with a marketing job – and not remember being married?

    What would have been helpful was knowing what did happen.  The last thing I remember is picking up my buddy Dale from the office.  But what date was that?

    “What would be best is to lie back and rest,” said my mother.  “Lindsey will be here soon.”

    The humour behind needing rest after lying in bed in a coma for a month was not lost on me.  However, real rest might help me remember.

     

    I must have fallen asleep.  The next thing I knew a rather attractive woman, who was crying and kissing me, was sitting on my bed beside me.

    Lindsey, I presume, is what I thought.  And then it struck me … I did know her.  She had been in my Humanities class at university.  I certainly didn’t recall marrying her, but as options went this wasn’t too bad.  But where was Vera, my girlfriend?

    I lifted a weak arm and put it on her shoulder.  Lindsey was ecstatic and grabbed my arm with the same vigour I use when grabbing a life vest.  “Honey, I have missed you so much.  I’m so glad God brought you back.”

    I don’t know about other people, but I have inner voices.  The main one I listen to (other than the one that tells me to have more chips) is the one that gives me quiet advice.  This same quiet, sensible voice was screaming: “PLAY ALONG!”

    My throat was working better, so I muttered, “Lindsey.”

    She was a real crier this girl.  More tears came and she managed to say that my mother had told her I was suffering from some amnesia.

    “How are you feeling?” Lindsey asked.

    “Very confused,” I said hoarsely.

    “I can imagine,” Lindsey said.

    My hands were now moving better.  I needed to say little and stay vague.  I was trying to determine if I was insane or hallucinating or something else.

    “Yeah.  It’s so weird.  For instance …” I had to stop and sip more water, “… I can’t shake the feeling we live in Toronto.”

    Lindsey laughed.  “Sweetie, we moved home from Toronto fifteen years ago!”

    I smiled.  “What’s the exact date?”

    “December 16, 2006,” said my mother.

    I was still having trouble looking directly at my mother because my memories of her being dead were pretty intense.  “Beethoven’s birthday,” I said.

    “Silly bear,” said Lindsey.  “What a thing to remember.”

    “Sorry to be a bother,” I said, “but I really have to pee.”

     

    The doctors tested me and poked me and took blood.  I was put into an MRI machine that looked more like a cyclotron at a university.  What was going on?

    A woman with the subtle technique of a drill sergeant conducted my rehab physio sessions.  Regardless, my limbs all started to work and strength returned.

    It was the local newspaper The Vancouver Star that made me conclude I was in a different universe.  Nothing was right.  Canadawas not really a country; it was a Protectorate of the United States of America.  So was Mexicoand – from what I could tell – all of South America.  The local paper wasn’t giving me what I really needed, which was a history lesson.

    Culturally, this place seemed to be Evangelical Christian.  There was no mention in the newspaper at all about cultural events in the ethnic communities.  There was a huge emphasis on Christmas.  I couldn’t help think I was in the middle of an episode of a 50s family drama.

    On December 20, I got to go “home.”  I was very nervous.  Lindsey was being incredibly kind and I was feeling very bad for her, because she must be feeling like her husband had changed beyond recognition.  The simple fact was that her husband barely knew her.

    I had many questions, but I kept my mouth shut.  Lindsey felt like a friend I could confide in, but when I contemplated what I’d do, were I in her situation, I laughed.  I imagined saying words like “different universe” or “alternate reality.” She’d likely then say, ah hum, yes dear and proceed to phone her preacher or the police.

     

    It was raining; at least something was the same about Vancouver.  Little else was the same.  Lindsey drove a Ford Taurus, which looked more like a ’67 Mustang bloated to family car status, and took us to our high rise apartment in Burnaby.  I had been born in Vancouver, but had gone to school in Toronto and stayed.  The Vancouver I was watching, as Lindsey drove east, was neither the one where I had been born, nor the one I last remembered visiting.  It looked liked nothing had been renovated since the 60s.  It was dingy, lifeless and colourless.

    “Is any of this looking familiar?” Lindsey asked.

    “Lindsey,” I said, “you are the best wife anyone could have.  This must be so awful for you to be taking care of a man who must be acting like a stranger.  I am so sorry and I am working hard to get my marbles back in their bag.  However, the answer to your question is yes and no.  I recognize all the street names.  I bet I could draw you a map.  But none of the buildings I remember.  Isn’t that nuts?”

    “You poor thing.  The doctors are hoping that getting out and about will jog your memory.”

    “Well, I guarantee you that staying in the hospital wasn’t going to help.”

     

    Inside the apartment was worse.  I really did feel like I was in someone else’s place and going though his stuff.  I had asked Lindsey to give me time to re-familiarize myself and I went through my alter ego’s personal effects.  The thing that startled me was the pictures from his mandatory military service.  The other Daniel Turner’s posting from a few years back had been in the navy, looking for German Federation spy submarines.

    There were wedding pictures where the other Daniel Turner looked very happy.  I felt like I had stolen someone’s life and wasn’t even enjoying it.  When I looked in the mirror, I realized that this wasn’t my body.  Now that I was out of the hospital, I realized this was Dan Turner’s body, not mine.  (I noticed everyone who “knew” me, called me Dan.  I had started using Daniel in High School.)  I was living in the body that had married Lindsey.  Dan was tougher than me.  More muscles.  Scars.

    I wished Vera were here.  My girlfriend had a knack of sorting out complicated things.

    Then it hit me; Vera was second generation Chinese Canadian.  This of course made her as much a hockey-watching, maple syrup loving, poutine-eating Canadian as any of us whities.  But, where were the Chinese in this Vancouver?  In fact, where were all the Asians?  Not to mention the Blacks.  And the Natives.

     

    Lindsey looked around the door to the bedroom and asked, “Do you want to go to a Carol Sing tonight at the church?  There are a lot of people who want to see you.”

    I hesitated.

    “A lot of people prayed for you.”

    “Sure.  Let’s do it.  But, you’ll help me if I get overwhelmed trying to sort things out?”

    “Of course.”

    It was worth seeing her smile.  I could see what the other Dan loved about her.

     

    At least the carols were all familiar.  Phew.  But man, this church was bleak.  It was some flavour of Baptist I’d never heard of but even the Baptists from my world didn’t make the church this damn gloomy.

    Oddly, at church, I finally saw some darker skinned people.  They had their own area in the church, their own pews, and were separate from the rest of us.  Then I remembered a word that was used in the newspapers: thrall.  It just hadn’t clicked with me as to what they were talking about.  I thought it was some sort of union issue or something.  Then I knew: these people were slaves.  How the hell did Canada – even under US control – end up with slaves?

    Honestly, up until that point, I had my nerves under control.  I was never prone to panic but, with the realization that slavery was alive and well in 2006, I pushed out of the pew and ran for the door.

    Lindsey followed me and held me while I heaved onto the front lawn of the church.

     

    When I went to bed, I hoped that I’d fall into another coma and wake up at home, my real home.

     

    Of course this didn’t happen.  Instead, I woke early, left Lindsey in bed, grabbed the keys to the car, and left a note for Lindsey saying that I was going downtown to the library.  At first I went to the wrong building.  In this reality the curved quasi Roman looking library had not been built.  The library was still located at Robson and Burrard where I remembered there being a big music CD store.

    One reason to go to the library was to get out of the apartment and explore by myself.  The second was that there was no sign of a computer in the apartment.  At the library I noticed that the computers they did have were more like the dumb terminals I used at university in the 80s.  There was no sign of the Internet; in fact there was no sign of a GUI.  How could it be 2006 and no one had invented a graphics board and mouse-like interface?

    It was back to research the old fashioned way.  I’m no history buff, so I started with the time I thought the US Civil War happened: 1850s or 1860s – I honestly could not remember the dates.

    Interestingly, that war never happened.  It came close, but as far as my reading could show, the Confederate States realized that secession would likely lead to a conflict they could not reasonably expect to win.  In order not to lose the economic advantage slavery offered, they managed to convince Lincoln that emancipation was not in the Union’s best interests, but that enshrining Rights of Thralls into the Constitution was.  This meant that fair and reasonable treatment of slaves was enforced by law.  This included a rather ambitious enforcement policy as well as a better tracking of slaves, now called Thralls.  They were to be treated as well as could be expected for humans of their type and to be given Christian learning and comfort.

    I sat in the library shaking my head.  This meant that, had the likes of Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey ever been born, they would have been slaves.  Until someone could cure you of being African-American or South Asian, you were a slave and your children were slaves.

    This made me wonder … was there ever any jazz?

    I wandered over to the music section and it was heavily devoted to classical music.  Beethoven, Mozart, Bach and company were all there.  Contemporary music was limited to variations on Gospel, Folk and Christian Rock.  No sign of Jazz, Punk, New Wave – not even the Beatles.

    I returned to the history section and pulled out the 20th Century in Review.  I got the distinct smell of propaganda when I read it – kind of like pornography: hard to define, but you know it when you see it.  However I was able to glean that WWI and WWII had occurred but with different outcomes.  Germany was not as crippled after the Great War, but they were not happy.  In WWII, England’s near disaster in Dunkirk was in fact a total disaster in this reality.  The English army was all but destroyed and Great Britain capitulated in 1944.

    The USA had fought on and convinced both Japan and Germany that taking on the United States and its protectorates – as Canada, Mexicoand the South American countries were called – was unlikely to succeed.  In the end Japantook control of the Orient, The Russian Empire controlled what I remembered the USSR used to be and Germanycontrolled Europe.  Since then a kind of global détente occurred in which hostilities between parties was limited to skirmishes in places like (surprise, surprise) Afghanistan.  However, all four global super powers were spending massive amounts of money on the military.  Oddly, no one had dropped a nuclear bomb; Hiroshima and Nagasaki had not happened.

    I was getting cross-eyed reading all this stuff and trying to reconcile it with my memories.  So, I decided it was time for a coffee break.  The startling lack of Starbucks Coffee shops was pretty depressing.  At the corner of Robson and Thurlow, there were supposed to be two.  There were none: only a tatty diner that served coffee, which could only be described as a brown liquid.  Reheated instant coffee from my apartment in my Toronto would have tasted better.

    My mind was tripping over the various differences between what I knew and what the books were telling me when suddenly I was stuck by a horrible thought.  I grabbed the diner’s menu and looked it over.  I asked the waitress at the counter, “Have you ever heard of a bagel and cream cheese?”

    “What’s a bagel?” she replied.

    “Never mind,” I said, “It’s just a word I heard and I wasn’t sure what it meant.”

    I walked back to the library and confirmed my fears.  None of the Jews of Europe made it out.  God could only imagine what the Russians did to those that fled in their direction.  As far as I could tell, there were no Jewish communities in Canada or the US.  Were they assimilated?  Required to convert to Christianity?  There was no mention of the Holocaust in the books because the Allies never re-took Europe and therefore never found out.  And it seemed likely that the Germans never mentioned it afterwards.  Assuming that the Hitler of this world was pretty similar to the one of mine … It was unlikely that I’d find out.

    And it wasn’t like I could ask anyone.  They’d think I was crazier than I already was.

    “Honey!  There you are.”  Lindsey had found me.

    She expressed concern that I was overtaxing myself.

    “I feel fine.  Can we go for a walk?”

    We made our way down Burrard Street to the water.  I tried to walk like I owned the place.  But things were familiar, yet not.  “I apologize again for being so … disoriented,” I said.  “This is incredibly frustrating.  Some things feel normal and some aren’t.  For example, I want to call you ‘sweetheart’, but I don’t remember for sure if that’s what I call you.  Do I?”

    “You call me lots of things,” she said with a hint of darkness in her voice.  “When you are feeling good, you call me ‘sweetie’ and ‘dear’.”

    “I don’t recall what I call you when I’m feeling bad, and I think that’s a good thing,”

    “Strangely, you are a lot more thoughtful – in both meanings of the word – since you came out of the coma,” Lindsey said.

    We were at the waterfront; there was a cold breeze off the harbour and Lindsey said she didn’t think we needed to catch cold on top of our current challenges.  Then, roaring from the west, was a float plane.  It looked more like an old WWII PBY Catalina than the Beaver Seaplanes I was familiar with.

    Then it hit me: Buttonville.

    “Do I like airplanes?” I asked Lindsey.

     

    Buttonville, by the way, is a municipal airport in the city of Markham, north of Toronto.  The last thing I remember was executing a final approach to Buttonville airport.  This was on the day they say I fell into the coma.

    For months and months I had promised my co-worker Dale a trip in the Cessna 172 that I partly owned.  As an early Christmas present for Dale, I finally arranged time on the plane and lucked into some good weather.  It was unlimited visibility when we took off and I did a pretty typical tour of the area with a sweep down by the lake, past the CN Tower and back up north of the city.

    No trouble until the final approach.

    Buttonville’s runway 21 was the short one; It was, according to my memory, 2575 feet long, which is plenty for a small plane; the other runway is 4000 feet and is used for the fancier and bigger aircraft.  Regardless, I had done my checks:

    • Primer – In and Locked
    • Master – On
    • Mags – On Both
    • Temp/Press – Green
    • Landing Light – On
    • Carburetor Heat – On
    • Mixture – Rich
    • Fuel – On
    • Seat Belts – Checked
    • prm
    • Brakes – Test and off

     

    The windsock was a slightly below the horizontal, meaning the wind was about 10 knots.  I was flying into the wind for what seemed to be a pretty typical landing.  My passenger, Dale, was calm and enjoying the view.

    I was just about to radio Buttonville Tower when the sky suddenly darkened and there was a flash like lightning, which was not normal for mid-November, and then the plane was buffeted by what felt like wind shear.  We also had a couple of those nasty and sudden altitude gains and drops, which really makes your stomach unhappy.

    No offence to Dale, who was really a man’s man, but he screamed like a girl.

    A couple more flashes followed the altitude fluctuations.  And that’s all I could remember.

     

    I was convinced that this was my last real memory.  What worried me was that my buddy Dale was on the plane with me.  If I somehow got here from there, then perhaps Dale’s mind also jumped into this reality.  This would be bad; Dale is black.

     

    Lindsey was more attentive of my comings and goings.  I had been told by Molson’s that I was not expected back to work until after the New Year.  This was a good thing.  I wasn’t ready to try and fake a marketing job in an unfamiliar world.  Lindsey had taken time off from her legal secretary job.

    There also wasn’t much to do at home.  I tried the TV once.  6 channels.  Leave it to Beaver was on its 49th season and The Dick van Dyke Show was on its 45th.  I figured that the only reason I Love Lucy wasn’t on was that Lucille Ball was dead.

    It seemed unfair to be misleading Lindsey, but I’d have had more luck convincing her I was from another planet than I would explaining my current theory.  To make her feel better and to get me better acquainted with my surroundings, I asked her to take me on memory lane trips.  This would allow me the opportunity to re-learn what this Vancouver was all about and to also give Lindsey a chance to feel like she was being a good caregiver.

    The utter absence of the gay community in the West End was a bit of a shock.  In this Evangelical Christian society I had to assume that the gay/lesbian scene was illegal and those with such proclivities were so far in the closet they were also likely hidden under large disused pieces of luggage.  Or, as I feared for the Jews, dead.

     

    One night Lindsey cornered me on a subject I was hoping to avoid.  “Have I become unattractive to you?” she asked.

    Oh crap, I thought.  “No,” I said.  That part was the truth.  Lindsey was very pretty and I definitely felt the urge when I caught glimpses of her changing and moving about the house in less than full attire.  However, my inner gentleman was convinced that to sleep with her would be sleeping with someone else’s wife.  So, I avoided the issue while concentrating on trying to figure out where I was.

    “Before your coma, you used to rather insistent.  Now it’s like you’re some kind of monk.  And, you haven’t even looked at the liquor cabinet.  What gives?”

    “They told me not to drink; and I’m afraid I won’t live up to your expectations,” I said.  However, part of me thought this was a lie; one thing I’ve learned about my alter-ego was that Dan was pretty much a lout.  I couldn’t help think that Dan Turner’s idea of foreplay was a half bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a big cry of brace yourself honey!  I suspected that if I treated Lindsey well, she’d be pretty amazed.

    “Why don’t you just let me show you a good time and I’ll tell you later how you did?”  Lindsey ran her fingers through my hair and I tingled all down my spine.  When in Rome … I just hoped that if by some miracle I ever got home, that Vera would forgive me.

     

    We had to leave for Victoria on the 23rd to go to my family’s Christmas dinner.  It was not something I was looking forward to.  In my memory I have one brother.  Apparently in this world I have an additional brother and a sister.  This was going to be odd.

    The ferry trip was like being on a WWII destroyer.  All aircraft and ships had a truly drab, grey and military feel about them.  And the laws against Sunday shopping and so forth were in full play.  No ferries were running from 4 PM Christmas Eve until after Boxing Day.  (How Canadamanaged to keep its Boxing Day tradition after its being effectively annexed by the United States was a mystery to me.)

    At least this incarnation of BC Ferries knew how to make good scrambled eggs.

     

    Victoria was the same.  Somehow I was expecting the same differences that I experienced in Vancouver, but Victoria looked and felt the same.  They hid the fact that their economy was driven by slave labour better than Vancouver.  I still wouldn’t want to live there: the dependence on ferries and the newly wed and newly dead demographics didn’t work for me.

    I tried to have fun over Christmas, trying to get to know my “new” brother and sister and their families.  But the more they tried to enjoy Christmas, the more I thought of the slaves all over North America, the Jews that never made it out of Europe, and Dale – my friend in the plane – where was he?

    “Dan, how are you?  You are looking blue.”  It was the sister I’d never known.  I started to cry.

    “What’s the matter?”

    “I am so frustrated.  I wake up from this damn coma and all I can think about are crazy things.”

    “Like what?”  Lindsey had heard the commotion and moved toward where I was sitting.

    “Jesus didn’t have slaves.”

    “You mean Thralls.”

    “Thralls, slaves, whatever.  Anyway, today I heard a fairly patronizing sermon about obedience.  Jesus wasn’t about obedience to anything in this world.”

    “But scripture says …” someone started saying

    “Stuff scripture.  It’s not the word of God.  If it were the literal truth, there would have been some reasonable length of time between Judas betraying Jesus and His crucifixion.  Somehow between a late dinner and the next morning, Jesus was tried by at least two levels of government, imprisoned, a large crowd assembled, and a long painful walk taken – followed by a lengthy and nasty death.”

    This outburst kind of put a damper on the Christmas Party.  I left the party and went into a room by myself.  Lindsey followed me; she simply sat and stared at me.

     

    Back at home on the 27th I went to the bank, took out as much money as I could, leaving some for Lindsey, and headed to the airport.  A flight to Toronto, a rental car, then a fast drive across what I hoped would be recognizable highways to Buttonville Airport.

    On the plane, which was one of the noisiest passenger jet planes I have ever been on, I drew out my final speculations on where I might have crashed the Cessna.  I would need to see the actual airport to adjust for any local variations.  I could not get a good map of the airport at the library. They seemed a little paranoid about access to that kind of information.  On Google, I could have got decent satellite maps of the area.

     

    That night I stayed at a truly ugly hotel near Toronto Airport.

    The next morning, while driving through the outskirts of Toronto, I was shocked by how bleak it was.  Growth of the city was at about 1970s levels and I couldn’t figure out why until I realized that there were many fewer immigrants, particularly from Europe and Asia.  Toronto was a very colourless place, even with a light dusting of snow.  The infamous highway 401 existed, but not as wide. The 404 wasn’t there at all.  I drove north on an undivided highway to Buttonville Airport.

    It was quiet at the small airport.  On the wall they had a map of the runway, singular.  When I was flying here, there were two.  I spent some time trying to imagine where things might be, and made some sketches in a notebook.  I remembered a lot of development around the airport.  In this world, there was only bush and farmland.

    Back in the car, I put on more warm clothes, drove north of the airport, parked the car on the side of the road and headed into the bush.

    With a compass and map – I had to re-read the instructions on how to do this – I set up a search pattern.

    I had to admire my own tenacity.  I was pretty darn cold by the time I found the site.  The Cessna was hidden among trees and grasses.  It looked like it had skidded only a few feet.  Given the airspeed, it should have left a greater mark.  I took a deep breath and clenched everything from my butt to my jaw before I opened the cockpit door.

    There I was.  Dead.  Frozen solid.

    I felt horrified.  But relieved.  Here was the plane I was piloting, crashed in a world where Cessna 172s didn’t exist.  I wasn’t crazy.  But this situation was.

    I went around the nose section and opened the other door.  My passenger, Dale, was equally dead and frozen.

    What conclusions was I to draw?  Somehow my plane dropped through a hole and landed in this different reality.  My mind jumped into the body of my alter ego.  OK … what happened to Dan Turner’s mind?  The same place we all go when we die?

    Worse yet, what if the same thing happened to Dale?  That might mean that he’s a slave somewhere.

    I stood looking at the two frozen corpses.

    There was no way back.  There was no reversing the polarity of the neutron flow, or reversing my course through a worm hole, or clicking my ruby slippers a few times.  This was the world I was in; like it or not.

    Keeping my mind from spiralling out of control was tricky; I kept my cool by focusing on the practical aspects of the here and now.  Eventually the locals were going to find this wreck and either it would be covered up, or be the most sensational news story of the century.

    Perhaps the most gruesome thing I’ve ever done was this:  I moved the dead bodies around enough so that I could retrieve their wallets from their pants pockets.  These items would provide me with a reminder of my real past and where I was going.

    The sun was setting.  It was time to get back to my car and get the hell out of here.  I wanted to find Dale.  If he existed and was alive, I was going to free him.  Somehow.

    My life as a fugitive vigilante on a foreign world had officially begun.